Sunday, December 19, 2010

If Only You Knew...

"I can switch bodies with you," I said.
"No you can't," Brooke replied. "It's not possible to switch bodies with someone."
If only you knew, I thought. If only you knew...

When I was younger, I didn't understand what I could do with my mind. I could create whole worlds, new friends, discover faraway places and not so far away places. I could be someone else while they were me. I could hide from the bad, the scary, the horrific, the threatening, the unthinkable. I could see people and talk to them that no one else could. But how do you explain that to somebody?

I tried to explain it to my twin sister when we were 9 years old. I told her that we could switch bodies - that we could really switch places!

She never believed me, though. She thought I was weird and stupid and that I was trying to trick her into believing something not real. I tried to tell Bri and Renee too, but they also thought it was weird. Bri and Renee would play along though, as if they could do it too - they thought it was some kind of game I made up.

It was very difficult to be so smart and be surrounded by people who couldn't do the things you could in your mind. By the time I got to second grade, I pretended to be not so smart. I purposely wrote down the wrong answers or made up random words and spellings of words to sound dumb. I hated that I was so much faster at figuring things out. I was being abused and no one even noticed. If they did, they never said anything.

Sometimes I wish with all of my heart that I could show my mom what it was like to be me growing up. Then she would understand me and believe me. I constantly go over and over in my mind all the thoughts I had as a kid growing up. Things I should have never been thinking about at such a young age. Things I should have never known at such a young age. Things I should have never comprehended as a child.

It honestly baffles me that there are people out there who don't think DID exists.

1 comment:

  1. I wish your mom could see it too, Bee! I'm so sorry she couldn't see it when you were growing up and that she can't believe you now. Hugs!