Sunday, December 12, 2010

You Still Cause Me Pain

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how many countless times I have told my mom that I cannot be around my abusers. I feel like she never listens to me when I am talking.

One of my abusers will be coming over for dinner tomorrow. AGAIN.

I can't take this sh*t anymore!

Is my mom really that dense? Does she sit around all day trying to come up with ways to make me feel absolutely horrible? To make me have panic attacks or horrible flashbacks or body memories? Does it make her feel better? Or does she want to see if I'm really telling the truth, by exposing my abusers to me to see how I will react?

There are so many things I could type out right now to just let out how I really feel about my parents right now but I hate reading cuss words when I don't have to so I'm not going to make other people read them. But know I am thinking them. A whole big long gigantic stream of ugly words to describe what I am feeling right now towards my mom.

I wish my mom knew what she is truly doing to me every time she invites an abuser over. I wish she knew how much I hate her even more every time she does it. I wish she knew the pain she causes me, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

I can't keep doing this. I need to get out of this house, out of this town, out of this state.

Mom, why do you still cause me pain?


  1. it sucks...feel for you. it sounds like your mum is in denial. some people never stop pretending because they can't cope with reality.

  2. Your mom sounds very toxic..I'm so sorry you still have to deal with this (((((Bee)))))

  3. I"m so sorrrrrry =( but it does sounds like your mom is maybe in denial of the abuse...that way she can live w/herself without feeling like such a horrible mother. Hang in there, you can get through this. And as "exhale" said, it is true, some people never face the truth.

    Be proud that you have :)

  4. so sorry, Bee! Maybe you're not making it plain enough to her. Try filling your plate and eating in your room. Let them know how you feel. your mom does not control you and cannot make you be around them.

  5. What a horrible bunch of BS for you to deal with, Bee! I'm glad you're rounding the bend toward having a teaching job so you can get out of there--hope you can see the light at the end of this abuser-visiting tunnel. Hugs!