Wednesday, July 14, 2010


I didn't go to work today, but for good reason! My cousin, who has been gone for two years on a church mission, arrived home today and my whole family went to welcome him home at the airport.

My assignment was to video-tape the whole thing. I captured the moment his mother hugged him for the first time. She was crying and holding tightly to his arm. It almost made me tear up!

We went out to lunch after everyone got in their hugs and hello's. It was so weird to see how much he has grown up and he is so talkative now! He used to be extremely shy and withdrawn. Now he is like a social butterfly.

Brooke had the best time teasing him. He couldn't believe she is getting married! He asked each of us what we have been up to and where we were in school now. He couldn't believe I will be graduating in December. We've all changed so much.

But during all of this happiness, I found myself dissociating - pretty hardcore. No one in the group had abused me, so I didn't have to try to avoid anyone and I didn't feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I wonder why I dissociate when I don't have a "need" to. I found myself missing bits of conversation and having to catch up. I wonder if anyone else had noticed me slipping away?

I know Brooke did. She kept lightly grabbing hold of my arm (she does this when I need help being "grounded" when I don't realize it). It's kinda funny... she gets engaged and then all of a sudden has this need to be close to me.

This whole week has been really off-setting for me. I feel like so much is happening and changing but I can't keep up with it no matter how hard I try.


  1. I often switch in crowds. It is fun to see a missionary come home though.

  2. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and hoping your weekend is better than your week.

    Take care.

    Sending safe hugs if you'll accept them.


  3. Sometimes it is a small, seeming unrelated trigger that we are unaware of. It may be a single benign word or look or anything. Sometimes it is an emotion. And sometimes it's just defenses misfiring. It happens to all of us. We sometimes dissociate for no known reason and can't even fathom one. It just happens.

    I hate it too, by the way. These defenses that worked so well to protect us in childhood often get in the way of our enjoyment in the present.

  4. Sunshine,
    I do too. It's rather annoying most of the time... It was my first time in the airport with a missionary coming home! It was an amazing experience.

    Thank you so much.

    I totally agree. If only we could find a way to use them in a way that would help instead of hinder.