Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Fighting For Myself

I am very angry at my T. I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's because she never calls when she say she will.

Maybe it's because she was supposed to go to the doctor with me and on Friday it will be the 6th week mark of NOT going.

Maybe it's because she keeps leaving me to go out of town and not telling me about it until right before or as she is leaving. (She always let's me know ahead of time when she is going out of town so I can prepare the littles and some of the other alters.)

Maybe it's because she thinks a simple e-mail to me will make things all better between us.

Maybe it's because I am hurting so much right now and really need someone to talk to but she isn't there.

Maybe it's because I feel like she can't help me anymore and it scares me because I don't know where to turn.

Maybe it's because I know how much she cares about me but doesn't seem to really hear me.

Maybe it's because I'm holding back what I should say to her but no matter how hard I try, the words just won't come.

I am so angry with her that if I don't hear back from her or my doctor by Friday morning, then after work I am driving straight to my doctor's office and sitting in the waiting room until she comes out and schedules an appointment to see me. Because I'm f***ing tired of being so sick and having to wait around for my T to be available to go with me! It's been SIX WEEKS! I can't be sick like this any longer. I need to start some kind of treatment so I am able to stand on my own two feet by the time my student teaching starts. And if my T doesn't like the fact that I am going to schedule an appointment that she most likely can't go to then so be it. I can't wait for her any longer. I can't be miserable like this any longer.

Sometimes you just have to start fighting for yourself when no one else will.


  1. I totally agree. Do what you need to do to take care of you. You are right. You need to get that appointment before student teaching. I absolutely get that, being a teacher myself.

    As for the other things, I think if you can find the courage to share your thoughts and feelings with your t, that would be great. Possibly even sharing a portion of this post with her.


  2. Bee, it really sounds like you need someone to talk to.

    I am so sorry that you feel like you are alone.

    I really hope that you and your t. can work these things out. She needs to know how you feel about her, and how she has been treating you. I suggest that you talk to her about it and if you can’t talk about it that you write a e-mail or letter. You and all your alters need to feel safe, secure and wanted.

    You need to do what is best for you on your healing journey.

    You are in my thoughts.. *hugs*

  3. Its understandable you're angry at your T. Six weeks is a long time to be waiting. Hopefully you are able to start treatment soon.
    Take care,

  4. Thinking of you...I hope you are able to find some relief soon.

  5. That sucks. I'd be ticked off, too. I hope you and your T are able to get it together soon.

  6. I would be petty upset, too, if I had a therapist who treated me like that. What you describe reminds me of a therapist I know of. It sounds to me like pretty unprofessional behavior...and possibly even unethical.

    Maybe it is time to find a new therapist. Not every therapist is a good fit for every client...and vice versa. It is OK to have needs your therapist cannot meet. But he/she should at least be able to be counted upon to keep their word.

    I hope you can find a therapist that you can work with well.