Saturday, July 24, 2010

I Didn't Know... I'm So Sorry...

Last night I was talking to my sister, Renee, after I got home from hanging out with some friends. She came into my room looking concerned – I could tell she had something on her mind that she wanted to tell me.

This is normal. Renee always comes to me whenever she needs to vent about anything, talk to someone who will listen, rant and rave when she’s upset or angry, or just plain ramble on about whatever comes to her mind. I love listening to her because she is so animated and her memory is almost perfect. She remembers every detail and I often wish I could remember things as well as she can.

I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom putting some stuff away in a bin under my bed and she came in and sat down next to me. She started talking about her day and what she’s been up to this past week. Then the conversation took a turn...

I’m used to my sisters asking me if I remember doing certain things. It’s their way of asking me if I was out or not during a certain time, without offending me or causing an upset within my system.

But I didn’t know that they were aware of every time I switch.

Renee began to tell me all the times I have switched when I’ve been around them (my sisters). When one of them notices I am not “out”, they signal to each other so everyone is aware that it isn’t me.

I had no idea.

I had no idea that I switched that much. I had no idea they were all aware of how often I switch. I had no idea how much it affects them daily. I had no idea how long they had been aware of all of this.

I wasn’t sure how to respond at first. Part of me was glad that they could tell when I wasn’t out, because I hate when my splits do things I don’t approve of, etc. But I didn’t know it scared them. I didn’t know it was so hard for them to not see me as often. I didn’t know that it made some of them upset, sometimes to the point of crying, because of things my splits have said or done in their presence. I didn’t know how aware they were of me and my splits.

We talked for three hours about all of this. We came to the conclusion that if one of my splits offends her (or any of my sisters) that she/they should tell me when she/they know I am out, so I can work with the splits on what had happened.

After she left to go to bed, I sat and thought about my mom – how she cannot tell when I switch and how she doesn’t understand my DID. And then there are my five sisters who know every time I switch and who ask me questions daily about DID so they can understand me better. It is such a huge contrast.

I had no idea that they knew… I don’t even know what to do.


  1. Although it probably feels a bit overwhelming that your sisters know more than you thought they did, maybe it is a good thing too? It sounds like they do want to try and understand more about what is going on for you. The more they know, the more they can also try and support you.
    Take care,
    Cassie x

  2. Two years ago, my best friend asked about my switching. I didn't know she knew. I thought I was hiding it pretty well. Turns out quite a few people knew. Those who are more sensitive to energy shifts seem to catch on a lot quicker, even when the hiding is pretty good. They didn't want to offend me, or scare me, or jump in to something that wasn't their business, so they didn't say anything for a long time.

    It's so freeing now, to be able to be open and honest with my friends, to not have to hide or cover for others inside. It has been a great support to me. I hope you are able to find similar support and freedom with your sisters. It's obvious they care, and that they want to know all of you better. What a wonderful gift (even if unsettling at first)!

  3. Bee,
    It sounds like your sisters love you alot. And you are so very lucky that they want to learn and are trying to understand. It must be so helpful when your sisters can fill in the gaps of your day. But I get how it may feel embarrassing because you may or may not be aware of everything. I love my older sister but I get so frustrated that she doesn't seem to want to learn anything about DID. I sometimes secretly wish my sister was multiple. I want someone inside my house to attempt to understand. Sorry I haven't emailed recently, been intense. Talk to you soon :)

  4. I hope the both of you felt better after you talked about it. Hubby doesn't believe I have it and no one else here knows. Sounds like you have some extra support you didn't realize you had.

  5. Sometimes I think mothers don’t want to see it. I think they do notice, they just choose not to acknowledge it?

    Having sisters are really special! I don't think you need to be too hard on yourself? Maybe they could even become friends with your splits! I agree with them telling you what your splits have been up to. It will give you a sense of how often they come out and what they are up to in that time.

  6. Bee,

    I hope this turns out to be an unexpected blessing for you. My son knew for a long time that his mom was DID before she shared it with him. It made it so much better for everyone because it reunited our family and also because the insiders now could be a part of the family for real. And he added such a wonderful element to the healing journey of the girls. It may take a little time getting used to it, but it sounds like your sisters will be a treasure for you and your insiders!!


  7. My boyfriend will sometimes point out when someone's been out and I didn't even realize it. He says he can tell by my breathing patterns who is out before I even speak, even when he's not looking at me. There's something really comforting about someone recognizing all of us and accepting us all. Makes us brave...