After I found out about M, I was pretty upset. I hid it well while at work and then I left to go to my session with T. It takes me about 55-60 minutes to get to her house from work so it gave me time to breathe and work on clearing my mind.
We started the session and I started to feel really sick and my mind became so foggy. It was hard for me to think or focus on what we were talking about and working on. My stomach was swollen so big it looked like I was pregnant.
I kept trying to pull myself out of the fog but I couldn't and then I started to lose time. I wanted to tell my T that I couldn't control what was happening and I couldn't figure out what was going on. I finally just gave up and let it happen.
After about 30 minutes of this weird state of mind, I was able to ground myself and come back. We started talking about my nightmares from the past week. She read the first two and we were able to talk through them - discussing my fears within them and why I would dream them. But the rest of them really stumped her as to why I would have them. Several of them were memories of ritual abuse, but the others were so random that she didn't know where they would be coming from.
That's when I realized there was a new split - Annie. She is seven years old and sounds like the frog kid from Little Rascals, only girly sounding. T thinks that she was the split who holds onto most of the ritual abuse and that is why I'm having more dreams lately with ritual abuse things in them. I guess it's time to make even more room inside my head for yet another alter. It seems like a lot of them have been popping up over the last few months.
After the session, I started to feel very anxious and nervous because of my big test the next morning. I felt like I hadn't really studied for it, even though there are no study guides for it - just one practice test they provide online. No matter what I did, my mind was racing a mile a second. Not good...
So I decided to ask my dad for a blessing. For those of you who are LDS know how important and comforting and helpful priesthood blessings can be. We believe that blessings come straight from God and can help to heal and give comfort. I have been asking my dad for blessings a lot more recently because I have been so sick and in so much pain. This time would be no exception, but I also wanted to be comforted about my test and my alters to understand how important this test is. The phrase that seems to be in each blessing I have received over the past 2 years is "give her the strength to endure the trials she has been given."
Sometimes I really wonder why I am given strength for my trials instead of being healed. I know I will be stronger for going through these things, but sometimes I am just really tired of being so sick and in pain all the time. But I do feel that strength come to me every time I receive a blessing from my dad and somehow I find myself going a little bit longer with this illness.
~To be continued~