(As promised, my friend Brynne started her blog this morning. Here is the link.)
Toy Story 3 came out recently and I got to see it twice, with different people both times. When the first Toy Story movie came out in 1995, I had just turned 7 a few months before and was really struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. I did not fit in at school, at church or at home and I felt very abnormal around people in general. My aunt took me to see this movie on a Saturday and the one and only thing I remember is how the movie made me feel. I put myself in Andy's place and all of his toy's were like my alters (although at the time I had NO idea that I had alters) and it made me feel like someone finally understood me. No one else in the movie could see the toys moving except for the other toys and Andy felt a very special connection to them. I fell in love with this movie. When Toy Story 2 came out I was ecstatic. My world was coming back again and I instantly fell in love with this movie as well.
After the second one, I figured they were done making Toy Story movies. I had completely forgotten my special connection to these movies until I heard of the making of a third movie. All of my splits were extremely excited and I couldn't figure out why. I knew I had loved the first two movies as a child but their excitement almost seemed unnecessary. Last Thursday, my grandparents, my cousin H and I all went to go see it after we had gotten off of work. As soon as the toys lit up the screen, I felt that special connection again.
But this movie connected even more so than the first two. Andy was leaving for college. He would be starting a new chapter in his life but he had these old toys lying in his toy-box that he had had since his childhood. It was like me having my splits since childhood. He didn't want to discard them, so he packed them up to be put in the attic. Of course, placing them in a trash-bag made his toys feel like he was just getting rid of them. I felt my heart ache. I would never want to do that to my splits.
I don't want to give the movie away for those of you who want to see it, but the adventures the toys go on in this movie made me think of how my splits would do anything to find their way back to me or to help me. There is a part towards the end where they are in the incinerator - all of them join hands for their final moment together. This part made me think of integration being forced on me. I literally started bawling in the theatre because it was so upsetting to me. I never want to lose my splits that way.
At the end, Andy goes to the little girl's house and he is playing with his toys like old times and everyone is so happy. He then makes the choice to leave them behind with this little girl because he no longer needs them. This part made me think of integration again, only it would be a collective choice between my splits and I. I again started to cry at this part.
This movie really spoke to me, like it always has. I don't know if any of you ever felt a similar connection to these movies, but I sure have! I hope it makes sense why I have such a strong connection...haha. I can see how this post would not make sense at all if you weren't following my thinking...
I hope you all had a good Monday! Go see Toy Story 3 :)
-Bee
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Unexpected
I got a call from my best friend B last night. B was diagnosed with Schizophrenia about 5 years ago, and yesterday she had set up an appointment with her T and a new T to all meet together so she could make the transition to a new therapist. B has struggled with her medications the entire time she has been on them - sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. If she forgets to take them or chooses not to take them, sometimes she does much better and sometimes she does much worse. She never takes her meds when she is pregnant and she usually does pretty well without them. So this appointment was mainly to see what to do about her meds and to meet this new T.
For the past couple of months, her T has been consulting with this new T about a possible misdiagnosis from B's first therapist. Both her current T and her new T believe she has DID, not schizophrenia (B was abused very badly from the time she was born to the time she moved out at 18).
She is in shock. I mean, all this time she has thought that these people she sees and hears are a result of schizophrenia when in fact it is DID. Every time she has tried to explain to me what she experiences over the past 5 years, I always thought it sounded more like me - like DID. But I never knew what to do about it and I figured her doctors knew better than I did. Apparently they didn't.
We talked for about 4 hours last night. I must admit, I am kind of excited to share this with her. I have researched and studied DID non stop for the past 4 1/2 years (ever since I was diagnosed) and I finally get to share it with my best friend to help her through this. I was recommending books I found most helpful and websites I have discovered. I told her she should start up a blog, if she wants to, and be a part of this DID world. Her husband has been so supportive of her and I think he is so awesome. He told me he will be calling me frequently to ask questions and borrow all of my books.
I don't know if it is weird for me to be excited like this, but I am. I feel like B and I can really be there for each other like we have been since the beginning. So I may be posting a link to a future post of mine so you guys can meet her and help her out too.
It is crazy how things can change so drastically... I hope you all had a great weekend!
-Bee
For the past couple of months, her T has been consulting with this new T about a possible misdiagnosis from B's first therapist. Both her current T and her new T believe she has DID, not schizophrenia (B was abused very badly from the time she was born to the time she moved out at 18).
She is in shock. I mean, all this time she has thought that these people she sees and hears are a result of schizophrenia when in fact it is DID. Every time she has tried to explain to me what she experiences over the past 5 years, I always thought it sounded more like me - like DID. But I never knew what to do about it and I figured her doctors knew better than I did. Apparently they didn't.
We talked for about 4 hours last night. I must admit, I am kind of excited to share this with her. I have researched and studied DID non stop for the past 4 1/2 years (ever since I was diagnosed) and I finally get to share it with my best friend to help her through this. I was recommending books I found most helpful and websites I have discovered. I told her she should start up a blog, if she wants to, and be a part of this DID world. Her husband has been so supportive of her and I think he is so awesome. He told me he will be calling me frequently to ask questions and borrow all of my books.
I don't know if it is weird for me to be excited like this, but I am. I feel like B and I can really be there for each other like we have been since the beginning. So I may be posting a link to a future post of mine so you guys can meet her and help her out too.
It is crazy how things can change so drastically... I hope you all had a great weekend!
-Bee
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
"Was She Ever Different?"
Lothorien wrote a post today that I want to base my post on.
Whenever my T or one of my doctors or someone else who is aware of my DID asks my mom, "Was Bee ever different when she was younger?", my mom always answers, "She was just my little Bee."
My mom is not very observant. She has her set view of how the world should be and that is how the world appears to her. She is so set on me being "normal" that she tends to view me as "normal" until something goes wrong - which in turn makes her upset because she doesn't understand why. Then there is my dad, who was hardly ever around when I was younger but when he was, he would physically and verbally abuse me. My mom either never noticed this was going on, or made herself believe that it was not going on - because her world had to remain the way she saw it.
I remember sitting on the floor in my kindergarten classroom with my classmates turned towards me. They were laughing at me. I had no memory of what had happened before and I was very confused...
I was holding a piece of chalk, standing in front of the blackboard. My first grade teacher kept saying over and over "what is the answer, Bee?" I had no idea why I was even up there...
I am standing in front of an auditorium full of people. I am clothed in a long dress and bonnet, singing a song I didn't know the words to. My second grade class was performing the play we had practiced all year, but I had no memory of these practices...
My third grade class is sitting in a circle on the floor in the front of our classroom. The teacher is calling on random students to answer multiplication facts. It is my turn and I don't know what "times" means...
I am sitting quietly at my desk doing an assignment when another one of my fourth grade classmates accuses me of stealing her "lucky pen". The teacher searches my desk and finds a pen that I have never seen before...
I could go on but I think I am getting my point across. I do not remember much of my childhood.
When I was four or five years old, I was so scared that I would never know what it was like to be another person. I would only be "me". I would only see out of my body.
One time I was sitting in my family room playing with the FisherPrice Little People. My mom was sitting on the couch next to me. I felt my lips move and someone else's voice leaked out and said a bad word. My mom grabbed my arm and told me to never say it again. But the voice came out a second time and said the bad word. My mom threatened to put soap in my mouth. I tried to tell her that it wasn't me. I wasn't saying the bad word! But the voice came out again to say the bad word. My mom got up to get the soap. I ran to my room and hid under my bed where she couldn't reach me. I stayed there until it got dark. My dad came home. He moved my bed and grabbed me before I could get away. My legs hurt so bad. My mom put soap in my mouth. I didn't understand why I got in trouble for something I didn't do. It wasn't my voice. I didn't even know what the word was. It sounded like a different language.
I learned to pick up on my surroundings within seconds of "waking up" in a place. I didn't know why I couldn't remember things. I didn't know I could walk to get to different places. I was just always there.
I have a twin sister and I used to think we could really "switch places". Now I realize that I would switch with an alter and I would be in my "dome" or "beehive" until we switched back.
I used to think everyone could switch places with the twin inside their head. I used to tell my sisters who they would switch with. They would go along with me but they never understood what I meant. They just thought it was a game I liked to play. Now they realize I really did switch with someone.
I always felt I was very different from everyone else - even Brooke (my twin sister). I learned to read minds - in a sense - very early on so I knew how to be and act around people. I was very numb - I didn't feel anything. I was never happy. I wanted to die at a very young age. I could never cry, even if I got hurt really bad. I would never tell anyone when I was sick because I didn't want anyone to think that I couldn't fight back. I would be gone for days or weeks or months and it would feel like I was only gone for a few minutes. I would find new toys or furniture in the house and not remember when we got them. In school I would either know the answers and not know how I knew them, or I wouldn't know the answers at all and feel like I should know them.
There was always this "buzzing" noise going on inside of my head. Sometimes it would be quieter, like a gentle hum. Sometimes it would be so loud that I would get a migraine and start throwing up.
I was so afraid that I was going to go blind when I was younger that I practiced being blind. I would close my eyes and find my way through the house or outside. I would turn out all the lights and wander around the house until I knew where everything was.
I have never slept very much, even when I was younger. I would lie in bed at night and watch the shadows dancing on my bedroom walls. Sometimes I would lean over the bunk bed I shared with my sister and watch her breathing - just to make sure she was still alive.
Every time I would be in trouble (for something I didn't remember doing) I always knew that timeout wouldn't be very long because I could go inside my dome and play with my friends until one of my parents came to get me.
Every time I looked in the mirror, I didn't recognize who was looking back at me.
I didn't feel like I was real. I felt like I was just floating through this world on my way to another one. I didn't see how everyone else could live just by themselves with no friends around them or inside of them.
Whenever I was scared, I had a place to hide in the dome. Someone was always there to help me out.
The first person I ever met who could switch places with someone inside them was Caly. I had met her when I was 8, but we didn't become friends until I was 15. One night, I told her I could switch with other people and they would be me. She told me she could do it too and she showed me. (At the time, neither of us had any idea that we both had DID. We both just thought we had a bunch of friends that could only talk to us through each others bodies.) It was the first time in my life that I felt understood. We were best friends for 4 years after that.
When I was five or six years old, I remember trying to figure out what "real" was. I didn't feel real, so I wondered if anyone else was real. Since I couldn't feel any emotion or anyone else's emotions, I began to think that no one was real. For a long time I thought that God controlled all these bodies around me with a remote control. I thought I was the only one who could think and move and do things on my own, except that I didn't feel like I always had control. Sometimes I could see and hear things but I wasn't controlling my movements or my thoughts or my actions or my speech.
I could go on and on but this post needs to end at some point. I'm curious to see if other people with DID experience some of the same things?
-Bee
Whenever my T or one of my doctors or someone else who is aware of my DID asks my mom, "Was Bee ever different when she was younger?", my mom always answers, "She was just my little Bee."
My mom is not very observant. She has her set view of how the world should be and that is how the world appears to her. She is so set on me being "normal" that she tends to view me as "normal" until something goes wrong - which in turn makes her upset because she doesn't understand why. Then there is my dad, who was hardly ever around when I was younger but when he was, he would physically and verbally abuse me. My mom either never noticed this was going on, or made herself believe that it was not going on - because her world had to remain the way she saw it.
I remember sitting on the floor in my kindergarten classroom with my classmates turned towards me. They were laughing at me. I had no memory of what had happened before and I was very confused...
I was holding a piece of chalk, standing in front of the blackboard. My first grade teacher kept saying over and over "what is the answer, Bee?" I had no idea why I was even up there...
I am standing in front of an auditorium full of people. I am clothed in a long dress and bonnet, singing a song I didn't know the words to. My second grade class was performing the play we had practiced all year, but I had no memory of these practices...
My third grade class is sitting in a circle on the floor in the front of our classroom. The teacher is calling on random students to answer multiplication facts. It is my turn and I don't know what "times" means...
I am sitting quietly at my desk doing an assignment when another one of my fourth grade classmates accuses me of stealing her "lucky pen". The teacher searches my desk and finds a pen that I have never seen before...
I could go on but I think I am getting my point across. I do not remember much of my childhood.
When I was four or five years old, I was so scared that I would never know what it was like to be another person. I would only be "me". I would only see out of my body.
One time I was sitting in my family room playing with the FisherPrice Little People. My mom was sitting on the couch next to me. I felt my lips move and someone else's voice leaked out and said a bad word. My mom grabbed my arm and told me to never say it again. But the voice came out a second time and said the bad word. My mom threatened to put soap in my mouth. I tried to tell her that it wasn't me. I wasn't saying the bad word! But the voice came out again to say the bad word. My mom got up to get the soap. I ran to my room and hid under my bed where she couldn't reach me. I stayed there until it got dark. My dad came home. He moved my bed and grabbed me before I could get away. My legs hurt so bad. My mom put soap in my mouth. I didn't understand why I got in trouble for something I didn't do. It wasn't my voice. I didn't even know what the word was. It sounded like a different language.
I learned to pick up on my surroundings within seconds of "waking up" in a place. I didn't know why I couldn't remember things. I didn't know I could walk to get to different places. I was just always there.
I have a twin sister and I used to think we could really "switch places". Now I realize that I would switch with an alter and I would be in my "dome" or "beehive" until we switched back.
I used to think everyone could switch places with the twin inside their head. I used to tell my sisters who they would switch with. They would go along with me but they never understood what I meant. They just thought it was a game I liked to play. Now they realize I really did switch with someone.
I always felt I was very different from everyone else - even Brooke (my twin sister). I learned to read minds - in a sense - very early on so I knew how to be and act around people. I was very numb - I didn't feel anything. I was never happy. I wanted to die at a very young age. I could never cry, even if I got hurt really bad. I would never tell anyone when I was sick because I didn't want anyone to think that I couldn't fight back. I would be gone for days or weeks or months and it would feel like I was only gone for a few minutes. I would find new toys or furniture in the house and not remember when we got them. In school I would either know the answers and not know how I knew them, or I wouldn't know the answers at all and feel like I should know them.
There was always this "buzzing" noise going on inside of my head. Sometimes it would be quieter, like a gentle hum. Sometimes it would be so loud that I would get a migraine and start throwing up.
I was so afraid that I was going to go blind when I was younger that I practiced being blind. I would close my eyes and find my way through the house or outside. I would turn out all the lights and wander around the house until I knew where everything was.
I have never slept very much, even when I was younger. I would lie in bed at night and watch the shadows dancing on my bedroom walls. Sometimes I would lean over the bunk bed I shared with my sister and watch her breathing - just to make sure she was still alive.
Every time I would be in trouble (for something I didn't remember doing) I always knew that timeout wouldn't be very long because I could go inside my dome and play with my friends until one of my parents came to get me.
Every time I looked in the mirror, I didn't recognize who was looking back at me.
I didn't feel like I was real. I felt like I was just floating through this world on my way to another one. I didn't see how everyone else could live just by themselves with no friends around them or inside of them.
Whenever I was scared, I had a place to hide in the dome. Someone was always there to help me out.
The first person I ever met who could switch places with someone inside them was Caly. I had met her when I was 8, but we didn't become friends until I was 15. One night, I told her I could switch with other people and they would be me. She told me she could do it too and she showed me. (At the time, neither of us had any idea that we both had DID. We both just thought we had a bunch of friends that could only talk to us through each others bodies.) It was the first time in my life that I felt understood. We were best friends for 4 years after that.
When I was five or six years old, I remember trying to figure out what "real" was. I didn't feel real, so I wondered if anyone else was real. Since I couldn't feel any emotion or anyone else's emotions, I began to think that no one was real. For a long time I thought that God controlled all these bodies around me with a remote control. I thought I was the only one who could think and move and do things on my own, except that I didn't feel like I always had control. Sometimes I could see and hear things but I wasn't controlling my movements or my thoughts or my actions or my speech.
I could go on and on but this post needs to end at some point. I'm curious to see if other people with DID experience some of the same things?
-Bee
Monday, June 21, 2010
The Outcome
I want to thank everyone who replied to my last post, whether by comments or e-mail. Both helped me tremendously.
I thought I should first start out by answering questions that I have been asked over the past few days.
1. How do you feel about your doctor, who is not a trained psychotherapist, a DID or trauma specialist, bringing religion into your healing process?
My doctor and I both have the same beliefs and both attend the same church, so for her to bring up religion in my healing process is okay for me. I think it is a good thing when it is used correctly. But because she was forcing me to do something I didn’t want to do, I didn’t like it at all. I also did not like that she assumed what DID was and that my trauma wasn’t “that bad”.
2. Do you believe that your DID can be "cured" by an exorcist?
No, I do not. I believe that evil spirits could be “cast out”, so to speak, but I do not think they can get rid of alters in the same way.
3. Are you comfortable with that?
Not at all. I am not comfortable with going to a person that says they will get rid of all my alters. I do not believe that DID works that way and I think it could do some real damage to a person.
4. Is there a name for [muscle testing]?
I’ve heard it called Muscle Testing, “O” Testing and Theta Healing.
5. How do the alters feel about this?
They are feeling very anxious, scared, being forced into something, frustrated, panicked, etc. What I have figured out over the past couple of years is that they will not do something that they do not want to do. So even if I had gone to the specialist, they wouldn’t have cooperated.
6. What do you think you will do?
I want to talk to my T first to see what she wants me to do. If I do not hear from her before my appointment then I will cancel it.
7. What's the "muscle test" is it like a lie detector thing?
Muscle testing (“O” testing or Theta Healing) is used to identify and use the programs within the subconscious mind that block a person from health. The subconscious mind is your entire body. Trained doctors use the method known as Muscle Testing or Kinesiology that ask the body questions that will be truthfully answered by your subconscious mind.
So how does it work? Whenever you say or think something that resonates as true with your subconscious mind, the electrical and magnetic fields around your body become stronger and it results in the muscles also becoming stronger. If you say or think something that is false, the opposite occurs. So because both the strength of the muscles and the strength of the field are proportionate, you can test the strength of the muscles to determine what is in the subconscious mind.
There are ways to muscle test yourself as well but I have found that it is hard to test yourself when you have DID… My doctor is trained in knowing when the muscle testing is working and when it isn’t so she is able to use other methods when needed.
8. Is your doctor trying to force you to go to this specialist?
She told me that she does not want me to come back in until I have done all the “necessary” sessions with this specialist, so in a way she is forcing me to do this if I want to seek further treatment from her.
9. Does your doctor use “muscle testing” for other things?
She uses it to see if my body can handle certain medications. She also used muscle testing to see which foods I can eat and the amount I can have in one day. I did not think it would work at first but once I went on the diet she put me on based off of the muscle testing results, I had never felt better and my ED was almost nonexistent after a few weeks. She is truly amazing, except after this last appointment I don’t know if I can fully trust her again.
My T finally called me back this morning. Apparently she had gone out of town and her phone did not have service. She kept apologizing that I couldn’t get a hold of her.
I told her what was going on. T could tell I was very freaked out and stressing about this appointment. She talked me through some things to calm me and the splits down and after she understood what was going on, she asked if she could call my mom to talk to her about it. My T and my mom talked for almost an hour and then my mom told me that T was going to call this specialist to see what exactly would take place during my appointment.
My T called back after her conversation with the specialist and told me that the specialist was not aware that I had DID and that she had never worked with someone with DID. Both my T and the specialist thought it was not good for me to come in. THANK GOODNESS!
T talked to me for a while trying to calm me down and talk through some more things. We talked about me having a meeting with the splits to see where to go from here. T is also going to call my doctor that recommended me to the specialist because T knows my doctor and wants to work with her to help me. My T thinks that my doctor doesn’t understand what DID is. My T also thinks that the doctor thought my DID was evil spirits living in my body instead of individuals who I created within my mind.
So hopefully everything will be all straightened out. I’m a little apprehensive about going back to my doctor but T says she wants to schedule all future appointments so she can be there with me to work through this. I thought that was extremely generous and so kind of her to do that for me. She has been amazing today and I am finally starting to feel much better. T said if this next appointment with my doctor does not work out for me then she says it would be good to look for someone else to go to.
Thank you all so much, again. This weekend has been very stressful for me and it was amazing to get so many responses.
-Bee
I thought I should first start out by answering questions that I have been asked over the past few days.
1. How do you feel about your doctor, who is not a trained psychotherapist, a DID or trauma specialist, bringing religion into your healing process?
My doctor and I both have the same beliefs and both attend the same church, so for her to bring up religion in my healing process is okay for me. I think it is a good thing when it is used correctly. But because she was forcing me to do something I didn’t want to do, I didn’t like it at all. I also did not like that she assumed what DID was and that my trauma wasn’t “that bad”.
2. Do you believe that your DID can be "cured" by an exorcist?
No, I do not. I believe that evil spirits could be “cast out”, so to speak, but I do not think they can get rid of alters in the same way.
3. Are you comfortable with that?
Not at all. I am not comfortable with going to a person that says they will get rid of all my alters. I do not believe that DID works that way and I think it could do some real damage to a person.
4. Is there a name for [muscle testing]?
I’ve heard it called Muscle Testing, “O” Testing and Theta Healing.
5. How do the alters feel about this?
They are feeling very anxious, scared, being forced into something, frustrated, panicked, etc. What I have figured out over the past couple of years is that they will not do something that they do not want to do. So even if I had gone to the specialist, they wouldn’t have cooperated.
6. What do you think you will do?
I want to talk to my T first to see what she wants me to do. If I do not hear from her before my appointment then I will cancel it.
7. What's the "muscle test" is it like a lie detector thing?
Muscle testing (“O” testing or Theta Healing) is used to identify and use the programs within the subconscious mind that block a person from health. The subconscious mind is your entire body. Trained doctors use the method known as Muscle Testing or Kinesiology that ask the body questions that will be truthfully answered by your subconscious mind.
So how does it work? Whenever you say or think something that resonates as true with your subconscious mind, the electrical and magnetic fields around your body become stronger and it results in the muscles also becoming stronger. If you say or think something that is false, the opposite occurs. So because both the strength of the muscles and the strength of the field are proportionate, you can test the strength of the muscles to determine what is in the subconscious mind.
There are ways to muscle test yourself as well but I have found that it is hard to test yourself when you have DID… My doctor is trained in knowing when the muscle testing is working and when it isn’t so she is able to use other methods when needed.
8. Is your doctor trying to force you to go to this specialist?
She told me that she does not want me to come back in until I have done all the “necessary” sessions with this specialist, so in a way she is forcing me to do this if I want to seek further treatment from her.
9. Does your doctor use “muscle testing” for other things?
She uses it to see if my body can handle certain medications. She also used muscle testing to see which foods I can eat and the amount I can have in one day. I did not think it would work at first but once I went on the diet she put me on based off of the muscle testing results, I had never felt better and my ED was almost nonexistent after a few weeks. She is truly amazing, except after this last appointment I don’t know if I can fully trust her again.
My T finally called me back this morning. Apparently she had gone out of town and her phone did not have service. She kept apologizing that I couldn’t get a hold of her.
I told her what was going on. T could tell I was very freaked out and stressing about this appointment. She talked me through some things to calm me and the splits down and after she understood what was going on, she asked if she could call my mom to talk to her about it. My T and my mom talked for almost an hour and then my mom told me that T was going to call this specialist to see what exactly would take place during my appointment.
My T called back after her conversation with the specialist and told me that the specialist was not aware that I had DID and that she had never worked with someone with DID. Both my T and the specialist thought it was not good for me to come in. THANK GOODNESS!
T talked to me for a while trying to calm me down and talk through some more things. We talked about me having a meeting with the splits to see where to go from here. T is also going to call my doctor that recommended me to the specialist because T knows my doctor and wants to work with her to help me. My T thinks that my doctor doesn’t understand what DID is. My T also thinks that the doctor thought my DID was evil spirits living in my body instead of individuals who I created within my mind.
So hopefully everything will be all straightened out. I’m a little apprehensive about going back to my doctor but T says she wants to schedule all future appointments so she can be there with me to work through this. I thought that was extremely generous and so kind of her to do that for me. She has been amazing today and I am finally starting to feel much better. T said if this next appointment with my doctor does not work out for me then she says it would be good to look for someone else to go to.
Thank you all so much, again. This weekend has been very stressful for me and it was amazing to get so many responses.
-Bee
Friday, June 18, 2010
I'm So Scared
Let me start out by explaining my day (and a little of the past two weeks) so there is some background knowledge.
I have been sick for the past two weeks because of the new medication my doctor put me on. I have been in bed for almost the full two weeks. I have been in an excruciating amount of pain and have not been able to go to work. Those of you who have been following my blog know that I do not miss work, even when I am sick. So missing two weeks worth of work is a huge deal for me. That's how sick I have been.
I managed to get in to see my doctor today. I told my T before I went in to see my doctor that I had been really sick and experiencing pain that I haven't felt since I first started treatment with this doctor back in February. My T told me to tell my doctor that I have DID. My T felt that the doctor would be able to help.
I had my mom go with me to the doctor because I didn't feel well enough to drive, and I felt like I needed her there to make sure my doctor understood the amount of pain I have been in these past two weeks. When I got there I explained my symptoms, when they first started occurring, and everything else I could think of. She started doing some simple tests and the results were not coming up right. She kept redoing each test and each time she would get different results.
She then started asking if I was having nightmares or panic attacks or hallucinations from the medications. I started to get worried because I experience these all the time and they had been no worse or better within the past two weeks. So I answered no, because I believe the medications were not doing that. She then looked straight at me and said "then I don't know why your results are not consistent." That's when someone within blurted out that I have DID.
The doctor asked, "Are you sure?" I instantly felt helpless. I do not do well when I have to defend myself. I know I have DID. My T knows I have DID. My mom knows I have DID. I answered kind of shakily, "Yes. I have DID." She then asked if she could muscle test me to make sure. I felt humiliated.
She muscle tested me and sure enough, I have DID. She then asked if I knew when my first alter was created. I told her that my T and I figured out that it was before I was 1 years old. The doctor said, "You can't even talk at 1 years old. How could you have created an alter?" By that point I was not doing well. I felt like she was attacking me. I felt sick and was in a ton of pain and I didn't have the energy to fight her on this. Nevertheless, I answered "The first alter came before I was 1 years old."
She then muscle tested me to see if I was correct. She started out with my age and worked her way down to five years old. Then 4. 3. 2. At 1 years old she looked surprised and my body revealed that sure enough, the first alter came before I was 1 years old.
I felt like I should have been confident at that point, because I had told her two things she didn't believe and then she was proved wrong. But no, I felt like I was going to pass out and have a very intense panic attack.
She looked to my mom and then at me and said, "You need to see a specialist to work through your emotional things." She said I needed to be balanced out so that she could start working on healing me physically. She called up this specialist and made an appointment for me on Monday morning.
I am terrified.
This specialist went to school for several years to learn how to rid the body of "entities" and "hitchhikers". Entities are evil spirits, and hitchhikers are alters. Basically my doctor is signing me up for an integration session. I almost fainted on the spot. Even my mom was uncomfortable with this idea. MY MOM! The woman who wants me to be normal was uncomfortable with this idea. Never in my life have I been so grateful for my mom to be on my side.
My doctor went on and on about how this specialist will help me to bring up all my emotions from my past and release them so I can heal. All of the times I was victimized, abused, involved in ritual abuse, other evil things, etc.
Basically, it will be hell opening up and swallowing me whole - and then taking away all of my alters.
I AM SCARED TO DEATH.
The doctor kept saying how I will be like a new person. Light will be shining from me. I will be happy. I will be able to heal physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. My alters will be gone - cast away. I won't even be recognized. It will be a whole new me.
Why do I feel like I'm about to be buried alive?
I have called my T several times since the doctor appointment but she won't answer. There is no way she will be okay with me doing this. My mom is freaking out because she doesn't feel like it is a good idea. I have been having panic attack after panic attack ever since we left. I'm afraid for when my splits realize what is going on. I want to cry but I'm so freaked out that I can't even do that.
The doctor kept saying how God didn't create me with alters. That alters are not supposed to be with me. It is not natural. It wasn't meant to be this way.
My alters have always been there for me.
They are the reason I am here.
I would not be alive right now if it weren't for them.
No one has the right to take them from me.
I don't even know what to do. I have no one to talk to about it because no one understands this. No one in my life knows except for my T and she isn't answering her damn phone!
I need some perspective on this. If you agree or disagree - it doesn't matter. I need someone who understands to hear me.
I am so so so scared...
I have been sick for the past two weeks because of the new medication my doctor put me on. I have been in bed for almost the full two weeks. I have been in an excruciating amount of pain and have not been able to go to work. Those of you who have been following my blog know that I do not miss work, even when I am sick. So missing two weeks worth of work is a huge deal for me. That's how sick I have been.
I managed to get in to see my doctor today. I told my T before I went in to see my doctor that I had been really sick and experiencing pain that I haven't felt since I first started treatment with this doctor back in February. My T told me to tell my doctor that I have DID. My T felt that the doctor would be able to help.
I had my mom go with me to the doctor because I didn't feel well enough to drive, and I felt like I needed her there to make sure my doctor understood the amount of pain I have been in these past two weeks. When I got there I explained my symptoms, when they first started occurring, and everything else I could think of. She started doing some simple tests and the results were not coming up right. She kept redoing each test and each time she would get different results.
She then started asking if I was having nightmares or panic attacks or hallucinations from the medications. I started to get worried because I experience these all the time and they had been no worse or better within the past two weeks. So I answered no, because I believe the medications were not doing that. She then looked straight at me and said "then I don't know why your results are not consistent." That's when someone within blurted out that I have DID.
The doctor asked, "Are you sure?" I instantly felt helpless. I do not do well when I have to defend myself. I know I have DID. My T knows I have DID. My mom knows I have DID. I answered kind of shakily, "Yes. I have DID." She then asked if she could muscle test me to make sure. I felt humiliated.
She muscle tested me and sure enough, I have DID. She then asked if I knew when my first alter was created. I told her that my T and I figured out that it was before I was 1 years old. The doctor said, "You can't even talk at 1 years old. How could you have created an alter?" By that point I was not doing well. I felt like she was attacking me. I felt sick and was in a ton of pain and I didn't have the energy to fight her on this. Nevertheless, I answered "The first alter came before I was 1 years old."
She then muscle tested me to see if I was correct. She started out with my age and worked her way down to five years old. Then 4. 3. 2. At 1 years old she looked surprised and my body revealed that sure enough, the first alter came before I was 1 years old.
I felt like I should have been confident at that point, because I had told her two things she didn't believe and then she was proved wrong. But no, I felt like I was going to pass out and have a very intense panic attack.
She looked to my mom and then at me and said, "You need to see a specialist to work through your emotional things." She said I needed to be balanced out so that she could start working on healing me physically. She called up this specialist and made an appointment for me on Monday morning.
I am terrified.
This specialist went to school for several years to learn how to rid the body of "entities" and "hitchhikers". Entities are evil spirits, and hitchhikers are alters. Basically my doctor is signing me up for an integration session. I almost fainted on the spot. Even my mom was uncomfortable with this idea. MY MOM! The woman who wants me to be normal was uncomfortable with this idea. Never in my life have I been so grateful for my mom to be on my side.
My doctor went on and on about how this specialist will help me to bring up all my emotions from my past and release them so I can heal. All of the times I was victimized, abused, involved in ritual abuse, other evil things, etc.
Basically, it will be hell opening up and swallowing me whole - and then taking away all of my alters.
I AM SCARED TO DEATH.
The doctor kept saying how I will be like a new person. Light will be shining from me. I will be happy. I will be able to heal physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. My alters will be gone - cast away. I won't even be recognized. It will be a whole new me.
Why do I feel like I'm about to be buried alive?
I have called my T several times since the doctor appointment but she won't answer. There is no way she will be okay with me doing this. My mom is freaking out because she doesn't feel like it is a good idea. I have been having panic attack after panic attack ever since we left. I'm afraid for when my splits realize what is going on. I want to cry but I'm so freaked out that I can't even do that.
The doctor kept saying how God didn't create me with alters. That alters are not supposed to be with me. It is not natural. It wasn't meant to be this way.
My alters have always been there for me.
They are the reason I am here.
I would not be alive right now if it weren't for them.
No one has the right to take them from me.
I don't even know what to do. I have no one to talk to about it because no one understands this. No one in my life knows except for my T and she isn't answering her damn phone!
I need some perspective on this. If you agree or disagree - it doesn't matter. I need someone who understands to hear me.
I am so so so scared...
Kinda Venting....
I have been so sick these past two weeks.
I have now missed 11 days of work in a row.
I finally got a hold of my doctor this afternoon and she managed to squeeze me in tomorrow.
I want to rip out my insides.
My T can't meet with me tomorrow because she has a job interview.
I really need to see my T.
But I'm trying to tell myself it will be okay.
When I don't think it will be.
I want to cry.
I want to sleep.
I want to scream.
I want to run.
I want this horrible, excruciating pain to go away.
I don't want to miss my 12th day of work tomorrow but I will have to to go to the doctor.
To top it all off, I had a memory come up today. One I have no memory of and yet it seems so familiar I want to puke. It was so horrifying, painful, nauseating, sickening. I keep praying that it isn't true. Because if it is, it means one of my sisters was also ritually abused like me. I don't even want to think about that possibility.
It is 4:50am. I have been up for about 68 hours now. The new sleeping meds are definitely not working.
I'm sorry this post wasn't very happy, but I am just really tired of being sick. I just wish someone could figure out what is going on with me....
-Bee
I have now missed 11 days of work in a row.
I finally got a hold of my doctor this afternoon and she managed to squeeze me in tomorrow.
I want to rip out my insides.
My T can't meet with me tomorrow because she has a job interview.
I really need to see my T.
But I'm trying to tell myself it will be okay.
When I don't think it will be.
I want to cry.
I want to sleep.
I want to scream.
I want to run.
I want this horrible, excruciating pain to go away.
I don't want to miss my 12th day of work tomorrow but I will have to to go to the doctor.
To top it all off, I had a memory come up today. One I have no memory of and yet it seems so familiar I want to puke. It was so horrifying, painful, nauseating, sickening. I keep praying that it isn't true. Because if it is, it means one of my sisters was also ritually abused like me. I don't even want to think about that possibility.
It is 4:50am. I have been up for about 68 hours now. The new sleeping meds are definitely not working.
I'm sorry this post wasn't very happy, but I am just really tired of being sick. I just wish someone could figure out what is going on with me....
-Bee
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Illness and Assignments
I am back from my trip. I honestly would have loved to just stay home this time...
I started new medications last Friday after I went to get re-tested by my doctor. Saturday morning I was very ill and I thought I wouldn't be able to do my tests, but I did them anyway. I took it easy the rest of the day until my date and then went to bed afterward. Sunday I woke up so ill that I could hardly get out of bed. I still made the crazy decision to go to the beach.
I spent the majority of the time in my tent lying in my sleeping bag just wanting to die from the amount of pain I was in. Little did I know that I was having a severe allergic reaction to one of my new medications. I was finally able to eliminate the culprit by Thursday morning and stop taking it. The whole week I was wishing I had just stayed at home.
I had a session with my T today. She gave me some interesting assignments for the week and I would like to share them.
My first assignment is to be out, ALONE, for two hours a day. My T wants me, Bee, to be out - all by myself - for two hours a day. She suggested that I start this by having the two hours be with my grandparents at their house. It is a safe environment and my splits don't feel the need to protect me as much when I am at their house. I am a little scared for this assignment and I'm also wondering how well it will work right now, especially with the rapid switching still going on. But I promised I would try it out this week. If I can only manage one hour a day then that is better than none at all.
My second assignment is to find a healthy, physical outlet for Kate to come out and participate in. I have been having more problems than usual with her this past week. She has been coming out to destroy things the other splits have made or done and has been picking on Allie mercilessly. She is on a tear and it is driving me insane. Our trampoline broke so that outlet is gone, and since I have been so sick I cannot always go running every day. So I need to find something physical for her to do to get all of her bottled up anger out in a constructive way. If anyone has any suggestions of healthy, physical outlets that have worked for you or your alters or someone you know, please let me know!
My third assignment is to work with the splits to figure out what things each individual is allergic to - including me. This will probably take more than a week but my T wants us to at least start on it. I am both interested and annoyed by the process we will have to go through to get to that point, but I am hoping it will be worth it and very beneficial to all of us.
And my fourth and final assignment is to do everything in my power to get physically better. Staying up until 3:30am is probably not helping...but I can't help it if I cannot sleep.
I have been so exhausted today. I feel like I need to take a vacation from my vacation.
And I promise I am still working on those posts I mentioned before.
I hope you all have a great weekend!
-Bee
I started new medications last Friday after I went to get re-tested by my doctor. Saturday morning I was very ill and I thought I wouldn't be able to do my tests, but I did them anyway. I took it easy the rest of the day until my date and then went to bed afterward. Sunday I woke up so ill that I could hardly get out of bed. I still made the crazy decision to go to the beach.
I spent the majority of the time in my tent lying in my sleeping bag just wanting to die from the amount of pain I was in. Little did I know that I was having a severe allergic reaction to one of my new medications. I was finally able to eliminate the culprit by Thursday morning and stop taking it. The whole week I was wishing I had just stayed at home.
I had a session with my T today. She gave me some interesting assignments for the week and I would like to share them.
My first assignment is to be out, ALONE, for two hours a day. My T wants me, Bee, to be out - all by myself - for two hours a day. She suggested that I start this by having the two hours be with my grandparents at their house. It is a safe environment and my splits don't feel the need to protect me as much when I am at their house. I am a little scared for this assignment and I'm also wondering how well it will work right now, especially with the rapid switching still going on. But I promised I would try it out this week. If I can only manage one hour a day then that is better than none at all.
My second assignment is to find a healthy, physical outlet for Kate to come out and participate in. I have been having more problems than usual with her this past week. She has been coming out to destroy things the other splits have made or done and has been picking on Allie mercilessly. She is on a tear and it is driving me insane. Our trampoline broke so that outlet is gone, and since I have been so sick I cannot always go running every day. So I need to find something physical for her to do to get all of her bottled up anger out in a constructive way. If anyone has any suggestions of healthy, physical outlets that have worked for you or your alters or someone you know, please let me know!
My third assignment is to work with the splits to figure out what things each individual is allergic to - including me. This will probably take more than a week but my T wants us to at least start on it. I am both interested and annoyed by the process we will have to go through to get to that point, but I am hoping it will be worth it and very beneficial to all of us.
And my fourth and final assignment is to do everything in my power to get physically better. Staying up until 3:30am is probably not helping...but I can't help it if I cannot sleep.
I have been so exhausted today. I feel like I need to take a vacation from my vacation.
And I promise I am still working on those posts I mentioned before.
I hope you all have a great weekend!
-Bee
Sunday, June 6, 2010
To The Beach I Go!
I cannot believe how crazy busy I have been!
Yesterday I melted and killed my brain cells by taking two very big tests one right after the other. It took me a little over 2 1/2 hours to finish the first one and a little over 2 hours to finish the second one. By the time I got home, I wanted to crash and burn - but I had a date. Somehow I found enough energy to jump around on trampolines for an hour! It was very fun but we were both so tired after that we got smoothies, talked for a while, and then he dropped me off at home.
Me and Rae have been talking nonstop all week so far. It has been amazing to have her as a friend again. I still have a hard time believing it. If it is a dream, I hope I never wake up from it.
I leave for the beach today to go camping with my mom's side of the family. It is a big reunion we have been doing ever since I was little and it is my favorite vacation of the year. So I will not be on for the next few days because I will not have internet.
I hope you all have a great week!
-Bee
Yesterday I melted and killed my brain cells by taking two very big tests one right after the other. It took me a little over 2 1/2 hours to finish the first one and a little over 2 hours to finish the second one. By the time I got home, I wanted to crash and burn - but I had a date. Somehow I found enough energy to jump around on trampolines for an hour! It was very fun but we were both so tired after that we got smoothies, talked for a while, and then he dropped me off at home.
Me and Rae have been talking nonstop all week so far. It has been amazing to have her as a friend again. I still have a hard time believing it. If it is a dream, I hope I never wake up from it.
I leave for the beach today to go camping with my mom's side of the family. It is a big reunion we have been doing ever since I was little and it is my favorite vacation of the year. So I will not be on for the next few days because I will not have internet.
I hope you all have a great week!
-Bee
Friday, June 4, 2010
Proven Right
My whole life has been a struggle with doctors. I have had stomach issues since I was very young. For a long time I didn't tell anyone that I was in a lot of pain. By the time I was in high school, it was so bad that I couldn't even get out of bed in the morning without taking pain killers.
I started seeing doctor after doctor after doctor. Several tests were done, as well as X-rays, MRIs, CT Scans, the works. I have been on hundreds of different medications. All the tests would come back negative, and none of the medications would work. Each doctor I went to slowly gave up on me and would tell my mom that it was all in my head. That I was making it all up.
I struggled and fought my way to make someone believe me. To believe that I was experiencing real pain - that I wasn't making it up and that it wasn't something mental. I have lost several friends over the past couple of years because they thought I was faking ill to get attention. At times my mom would get so frustrated and fed up with me because no one could figure out what was going on. My dad hated paying for all the bills that were for "nothing".
After 17 years of struggling with this pain and sickness, I agreed to be muscle tested. I realize not many people believe in muscle testing, and I used to be one of those people because having DID makes it almost impossible to muscle test. My T wanted to know if my pain and illnesses were caused by something emotional/mental or if they were physical. The muscle testing results came back that confirmed that my pain and illnesses are from purely physical things.
I WAS PROVEN RIGHT!!
My T was so surprised that all of my pain and illnesses were related to physical things. My parents were blown away. My doctors are stunned. But with this new knowledge, I can now be helped. They found that my body is not communicating with itself properly. My brain is constantly firing, which keeps me from sleeping at night. I start new medication for that tonight and I am so excited. They gave me vitamins and minerals that my body lacks from my very restricted diet. They put me on medications to "revive" my body so it will start communicating properly. My doctor thinks within a couple of months I may be able to start eating more normally again. Can you believe that?? I can hardly contain my joy!
In the session with T today, she didn't even know what she wanted me to work on for homework since my muscle testing results came back saying all of my issues were physical. So she told me I need to focus on getting better physically so we can start doing some "real work" in therapy.
I never thought the day would come when I would be proven right. And I'm so excited to be able to sleep!
-Bee
P.S. My big tests are tomorrow - the ones I have to take to qualify to be a teacher. I'm nervous but I should know all of the things on the test. I just need to focus and let all of the splits know how important this is. Ahhh!
I am also going on my fourth date tomorrow with this guy. We're going to Jump Street which is basically a HUGE room filled with trampolines. How cool is that?!? I'm very excited!
I started seeing doctor after doctor after doctor. Several tests were done, as well as X-rays, MRIs, CT Scans, the works. I have been on hundreds of different medications. All the tests would come back negative, and none of the medications would work. Each doctor I went to slowly gave up on me and would tell my mom that it was all in my head. That I was making it all up.
I struggled and fought my way to make someone believe me. To believe that I was experiencing real pain - that I wasn't making it up and that it wasn't something mental. I have lost several friends over the past couple of years because they thought I was faking ill to get attention. At times my mom would get so frustrated and fed up with me because no one could figure out what was going on. My dad hated paying for all the bills that were for "nothing".
After 17 years of struggling with this pain and sickness, I agreed to be muscle tested. I realize not many people believe in muscle testing, and I used to be one of those people because having DID makes it almost impossible to muscle test. My T wanted to know if my pain and illnesses were caused by something emotional/mental or if they were physical. The muscle testing results came back that confirmed that my pain and illnesses are from purely physical things.
I WAS PROVEN RIGHT!!
My T was so surprised that all of my pain and illnesses were related to physical things. My parents were blown away. My doctors are stunned. But with this new knowledge, I can now be helped. They found that my body is not communicating with itself properly. My brain is constantly firing, which keeps me from sleeping at night. I start new medication for that tonight and I am so excited. They gave me vitamins and minerals that my body lacks from my very restricted diet. They put me on medications to "revive" my body so it will start communicating properly. My doctor thinks within a couple of months I may be able to start eating more normally again. Can you believe that?? I can hardly contain my joy!
In the session with T today, she didn't even know what she wanted me to work on for homework since my muscle testing results came back saying all of my issues were physical. So she told me I need to focus on getting better physically so we can start doing some "real work" in therapy.
I never thought the day would come when I would be proven right. And I'm so excited to be able to sleep!
-Bee
P.S. My big tests are tomorrow - the ones I have to take to qualify to be a teacher. I'm nervous but I should know all of the things on the test. I just need to focus and let all of the splits know how important this is. Ahhh!
I am also going on my fourth date tomorrow with this guy. We're going to Jump Street which is basically a HUGE room filled with trampolines. How cool is that?!? I'm very excited!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Memorial Weekend
Happy 75th Blog Post!!
Oh do I have SO much to tell! For those of you who have been reading my blog, you know that my friend K's mom passed away recently (post here). I ended up going to her house and staying with her this weekend (Friday afternoon to Monday night). And guess who came with me? Rae, my ex-best friend.
Thursday night, kind of late, I get a text from Rae (Ex-Best Friend post). She was really worried about K and thought that we both needed to go down there to see her and to make sure she was doing okay. I was originally planning on visiting K and basically Rae was asking if she could tag along. I told her it was fine and that my mom would love that I would be traveling with someone. I drove an hour home from work, picked up Rae and then drove the 3.5 hours to K's house.
When I first picked Rae up it was awkward. We didn't really know what to say - we haven't hung out together in two years. But as soon as we got on the freeway/highway (about 2 miles from her house) we were talking like we used to - laughing, giggling, singing along to our music, joking, teasing, etc. The first hour we spent laughing and telling each other funny stories. Once we got out of the city and into the more boring open land part of the drive, we started really talking. How the past two years have been and what both of us were thinking two years ago when the friendship ended. We got to cover a lot of ground and I was not ready to get out of the car and see K once we got there. I felt like I wanted to just spend the weekend with Rae.
But here is where it gets interesting. We arrive at K's house all buddy-buddy almost best friends again and that is the first thing K notices. After giving it thought all day today, I think K did not want me and Rae to become friends again. Which I do not understand at all.
The whole weekend the three of us spent every minute together and the whole time K was being mean to Rae and awkward/weird around me. She wouldn't talk about how she was feeling and every time we would ask her how she was doing she would change the subject or pretend to fall asleep. Rae and I ended up spending every night talking while K was asleep.
By Monday night, Rae had had enough of K being so mean to her. We left and immediately Rae started venting to me. After she got it out of her system, we spent the rest of the 3 hour drive really talking again. We talked about what we had been doing the past two years, how we were different, about our families, etc. It felt like we were best friends again. We talked about all the things we needed to do together to catch up. We're going to hang out in a few days when I get back into town (she lives 3 miles from my house).
I cannot express the joy and happiness I feel! I cannot believe me and Rae are friends again! It is a miracle. I never thought this day would come. We texted for hours last night. I have been super happy all of today. Even boring things were just marvelous today!
The bad thing is... K is extremely jealous that Rae and I are friends again. Why? I wish I knew. But she has already started trying to get Rae to turn against me. The cool thing is, Rae knows what K is trying to do and she isn't going to let anything come between us again. I just wish K could be happy for us. Maybe she is jealous because Rae likes me better than her. It's not my fault Rae and I get along so well. Back when we were roommates, everyone thought we were twins - that's how freakishly close we were. And now, it looks like we have that potential again. K and Rae will never be like that and I think K is threatened by that. I just wish the three of us could be best friends together like we were when we first met each other. I guess life was simpler back then...
I will stop talking now! I just wanted to share my great news :)
I hope you all had a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend (those in the USA that is...!)
-Bee
Oh do I have SO much to tell! For those of you who have been reading my blog, you know that my friend K's mom passed away recently (post here). I ended up going to her house and staying with her this weekend (Friday afternoon to Monday night). And guess who came with me? Rae, my ex-best friend.
Thursday night, kind of late, I get a text from Rae (Ex-Best Friend post). She was really worried about K and thought that we both needed to go down there to see her and to make sure she was doing okay. I was originally planning on visiting K and basically Rae was asking if she could tag along. I told her it was fine and that my mom would love that I would be traveling with someone. I drove an hour home from work, picked up Rae and then drove the 3.5 hours to K's house.
When I first picked Rae up it was awkward. We didn't really know what to say - we haven't hung out together in two years. But as soon as we got on the freeway/highway (about 2 miles from her house) we were talking like we used to - laughing, giggling, singing along to our music, joking, teasing, etc. The first hour we spent laughing and telling each other funny stories. Once we got out of the city and into the more boring open land part of the drive, we started really talking. How the past two years have been and what both of us were thinking two years ago when the friendship ended. We got to cover a lot of ground and I was not ready to get out of the car and see K once we got there. I felt like I wanted to just spend the weekend with Rae.
But here is where it gets interesting. We arrive at K's house all buddy-buddy almost best friends again and that is the first thing K notices. After giving it thought all day today, I think K did not want me and Rae to become friends again. Which I do not understand at all.
The whole weekend the three of us spent every minute together and the whole time K was being mean to Rae and awkward/weird around me. She wouldn't talk about how she was feeling and every time we would ask her how she was doing she would change the subject or pretend to fall asleep. Rae and I ended up spending every night talking while K was asleep.
By Monday night, Rae had had enough of K being so mean to her. We left and immediately Rae started venting to me. After she got it out of her system, we spent the rest of the 3 hour drive really talking again. We talked about what we had been doing the past two years, how we were different, about our families, etc. It felt like we were best friends again. We talked about all the things we needed to do together to catch up. We're going to hang out in a few days when I get back into town (she lives 3 miles from my house).
I cannot express the joy and happiness I feel! I cannot believe me and Rae are friends again! It is a miracle. I never thought this day would come. We texted for hours last night. I have been super happy all of today. Even boring things were just marvelous today!
The bad thing is... K is extremely jealous that Rae and I are friends again. Why? I wish I knew. But she has already started trying to get Rae to turn against me. The cool thing is, Rae knows what K is trying to do and she isn't going to let anything come between us again. I just wish K could be happy for us. Maybe she is jealous because Rae likes me better than her. It's not my fault Rae and I get along so well. Back when we were roommates, everyone thought we were twins - that's how freakishly close we were. And now, it looks like we have that potential again. K and Rae will never be like that and I think K is threatened by that. I just wish the three of us could be best friends together like we were when we first met each other. I guess life was simpler back then...
I will stop talking now! I just wanted to share my great news :)
I hope you all had a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend (those in the USA that is...!)
-Bee
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