Thursday, May 20, 2010

Shaking From the Stress

I want to cry/scream/run/break down all at the same time.

This morning my best friend K called me. Her mom passed away. (Her dad passed away when she was younger, so she has no parents, no grandparents, and one great grandma left and K is only 23).

I had the most horrible nightmare last night - I woke up covered in blood, puke, and urine which hasn't happened to me since I was ritually abused.

A new alter popped up today. Her name is Kamry and she is 2.

I have four doctor's appointments tomorrow after work that are over an hour away.

I have been switching so much today, I'm not sure which way is up.

And K really really wants me to go stay with her this weekend - she lives three hours away.

So I have to decide which doctor's appointments to cancel, how I am going to avoid going back to my parents house so I only have to drive 3 hours instead of 5, and how I am going to make myself okay enough to be there for her one hundred percent.

I am VERY stressed out right now.

I am breathing and focusing on calming myself down. Everything will be okay and everything will work out if this is what needs to happen right now.

**Trigger warning**
My dream was so horrible. I was stuck in this tiny room, backed up against a wall. I felt like I was about 10 or 11 years old. Three of my past abusers were there (my uncle, and two of my Grandma C's ex husbands). They took turns raping me for what felt like hours. They were saying disgusting and demeaning things to me. I felt like I was going to die. And no matter how hard I tried, I could not get them off of me. I could not hurt them. I could not scream. I could hardly move. And I couldn't wake up. I have never had a dream feel so real before.

I woke up not knowing how old I was or where I was. And then I saw the blood and vomit and urine - I started bawling.

It took me two hours to calm myself down and realize where I was, how old I was, and that my abusers were no where near me.
**End of triggers**

So my day has been pretty rough. Luckily I only have a half a day at work tomorrow due to all of the doctor appointments.

I have a feeling I won't be sleeping tonight...

And if I do end up going to stay with K for the weekend, I don't plan on taking my laptop so I may be offline for the next couple of days.


P.S. Did I mention that if I go see K this weekend that my ex-best friend Rae will be there also? Ya...I'm freaking out.


  1. Bee,
    I don't know what to say. Is there anyone you can talk to for a little bit? Have you tried talking to your alters? Can they help you get through all this?

    I'm sending you rainbows and unicorns and they promise to ease your frustrations.


  2. You are such a wonderful friend. I hope your presence is comforting for your friend. Be strong, for both of you.

  3. Bee,
    When it rains it pours. I hope that you and your friend can hang in there. Sorry I haven't emailed you back I will asap. But just so you know I wake up covered in those 3 things sometimes so you are not alone <3

  4. Lisa,
    I am having a hard time communicating with most of my alters right now. I think we are just so exhausted and "brain dead" from not sleeping that we can't even communicate right now. There just isn't enough energy. After my session with my T today though, I think things will start working towards the better. Thank you for your comments.

    Thank you - I definitely try to be.

    I have been hearing that saying a lot lately! It is comforting and sad to know that I am not alone. I look forward to your email :)


  5. Dear Bee,
    I have been reading and sending you my kindest thoughts and my heart.

    I have been looking particularly for a post where you again would mention ritual abuse. I don't want to assume anything so I will ask do you also mean satanic ritual abuse?
    I have wondered for so long when I read your blog if these things happened to you.

    I want you to know that for many years I would be sick and in so much pain for no apparent reason and I am now very sure that those were times when my body was purging old memories and old garbage from my abuse. Do you think this could be happening to you?

    I was satanicly ritually abused and I still don't remember it. I do however know that I have come so far in my healing from it. I have some ideas if you are interested and I want you to know I support you. You are doing a great job. You are soooo BRAVE.

    I am proud of you.