I want to cry/scream/run/break down all at the same time.
This morning my best friend K called me. Her mom passed away. (Her dad passed away when she was younger, so she has no parents, no grandparents, and one great grandma left and K is only 23).
I had the most horrible nightmare last night - I woke up covered in blood, puke, and urine which hasn't happened to me since I was ritually abused.
A new alter popped up today. Her name is Kamry and she is 2.
I have four doctor's appointments tomorrow after work that are over an hour away.
I have been switching so much today, I'm not sure which way is up.
And K really really wants me to go stay with her this weekend - she lives three hours away.
So I have to decide which doctor's appointments to cancel, how I am going to avoid going back to my parents house so I only have to drive 3 hours instead of 5, and how I am going to make myself okay enough to be there for her one hundred percent.
I am VERY stressed out right now.
I am breathing and focusing on calming myself down. Everything will be okay and everything will work out if this is what needs to happen right now.
My dream was so horrible. I was stuck in this tiny room, backed up against a wall. I felt like I was about 10 or 11 years old. Three of my past abusers were there (my uncle, and two of my Grandma C's ex husbands). They took turns raping me for what felt like hours. They were saying disgusting and demeaning things to me. I felt like I was going to die. And no matter how hard I tried, I could not get them off of me. I could not hurt them. I could not scream. I could hardly move. And I couldn't wake up. I have never had a dream feel so real before.
I woke up not knowing how old I was or where I was. And then I saw the blood and vomit and urine - I started bawling.
It took me two hours to calm myself down and realize where I was, how old I was, and that my abusers were no where near me.
**End of triggers**
So my day has been pretty rough. Luckily I only have a half a day at work tomorrow due to all of the doctor appointments.
I have a feeling I won't be sleeping tonight...
And if I do end up going to stay with K for the weekend, I don't plan on taking my laptop so I may be offline for the next couple of days.
P.S. Did I mention that if I go see K this weekend that my ex-best friend Rae will be there also? Ya...I'm freaking out.