Tonight I had a really difficult conversation with my ex-best friend. Let's call her Rae.
We met in college. We were both first semester freshman and we were paired up as roommates with 14 other girls. (We lived in a dorm room with four bedrooms and a common room). We instantly became best friends and did everything together. Everyone thought we were twins and had a hard time telling us apart. The funny thing is, we looked nothing alike. I have blond hair, she has brown. I have blue eyes, she has brown. I am about 5'10", she is 5'7". And so on... People just couldn't tell us apart.
We remained roommates for two years, moving from the dorms to a duplex, and later from the duplex to a house. We graduated from the two year college and moved back home (our families had lived about 2 miles from each other and we had never met!) About two months after moving back, I got a nasty text message from her saying she wanted to end our friendship.
We didn't talk for a whole year. Randomly one morning last July, I got a text from her. We have been texting back and forth ever since - not frequently, but often. I have seen her in person three different times at church functions and a baby shower. We haven't really hung out yet or really talked in person because things are still awkward.
Anyway, tonight we had been texting back and forth for a few hours when she randomly brought up that she felt like she was avoiding the reasoning for ending our friendship. She asked me if I wanted to get together to talk about what all happened between us.
I really want to talk to her about it, but it scares me to death. I think I am afraid to become close friends with her again. I trusted her so much and then she basically left me behind with no intention of coming back. Both of us have changed so much in the last two years since the "break up", but part of me really wants to be friends again.
We texted for a few hours about how we felt about talking in person. About bringing up all the reasons and mistakes that were made. I told her I wasn't quite ready to talk, but that I felt like we really need to before whatever we have now can turn into a true friendship.
I feel emotionally drained and at a total loss for what to do. I really want to try to make things right between us because we had the greatest friendship. Everyone was so jealous of how close we were. I really want that back, but I don't know if I am ready to trust that much again. It was hard enough the first time...
*Sigh* I think I need some more time to think about all of this.