Tonight I had a really difficult conversation with my ex-best friend. Let's call her Rae.
Our history:
We met in college. We were both first semester freshman and we were paired up as roommates with 14 other girls. (We lived in a dorm room with four bedrooms and a common room). We instantly became best friends and did everything together. Everyone thought we were twins and had a hard time telling us apart. The funny thing is, we looked nothing alike. I have blond hair, she has brown. I have blue eyes, she has brown. I am about 5'10", she is 5'7". And so on... People just couldn't tell us apart.
We remained roommates for two years, moving from the dorms to a duplex, and later from the duplex to a house. We graduated from the two year college and moved back home (our families had lived about 2 miles from each other and we had never met!) About two months after moving back, I got a nasty text message from her saying she wanted to end our friendship.
We didn't talk for a whole year. Randomly one morning last July, I got a text from her. We have been texting back and forth ever since - not frequently, but often. I have seen her in person three different times at church functions and a baby shower. We haven't really hung out yet or really talked in person because things are still awkward.
Anyway, tonight we had been texting back and forth for a few hours when she randomly brought up that she felt like she was avoiding the reasoning for ending our friendship. She asked me if I wanted to get together to talk about what all happened between us.
I really want to talk to her about it, but it scares me to death. I think I am afraid to become close friends with her again. I trusted her so much and then she basically left me behind with no intention of coming back. Both of us have changed so much in the last two years since the "break up", but part of me really wants to be friends again.
We texted for a few hours about how we felt about talking in person. About bringing up all the reasons and mistakes that were made. I told her I wasn't quite ready to talk, but that I felt like we really need to before whatever we have now can turn into a true friendship.
I feel emotionally drained and at a total loss for what to do. I really want to try to make things right between us because we had the greatest friendship. Everyone was so jealous of how close we were. I really want that back, but I don't know if I am ready to trust that much again. It was hard enough the first time...
*Sigh* I think I need some more time to think about all of this.
-Bee
This sort of reminds me of a friendship I had. In that instance, I had to walk away because she was triggering dangerous programming. She was from the same cult...which I did not remember at the time. But I wrote her a letter and came up with very real and plausible other reasons for breaking it off. I had become very codependent to her...programming kind of codependent. I felt I had to include her in everything I did. It was a mess for me. But I did not just send a cryptic message and walk away.
ReplyDeleteI have thought of trying to contact her, but have held back to this point. I can totally see why you would be reluctant to meet with your ex-friend and open yourself up to her. I can imagine that my former friend may feel the same way about me...even though I did try to break it off in the least hurtful way I could think of.
It might be good to at least hear her out on her reasons for cutting you off. Hearing does not mean you have to agree with it...or that you have to open yourself up to her. It is not a commitment to change anything between you and here. It might actually give you some closure and clarify where you really stand with her and where it might or might no be able to go from here.
Just some thoughts that came to mind as I read this.
Take good care of yourself.
I definitely want to hear her reasons. We're planning on talking in person about things.
ReplyDeleteI had another ex-friend who I was really good friends with for years and years that sounds like your friendship you described about being triggered by her. I didn't realize that that was going on until I had been friends with her for over 11 years and we were roommates at the time I decided to end our friendship. That is for a whole different post because it is way too long to explain on here.
Thank you for your comments!
I know that I have done that to friends I truly cared about, and since my DID diagnosis, I think some Others may have had a hand in that.
ReplyDeleteDo you have any idea why she did it? Could she have had a mental health issue? Could she have wondered if you had a mental health issue and been scared of that?
It would be difficult to trust someone after they just dump you like that. I hope everything goes well when you speak with her. Are you going to be honest about how she made you feel?
Lisa