There is so much going on with me and my splits, me and my mom, me and my t, and me and my fast-approaching life. There are simply not enough hours in my day to write about it all but I so badly wish to share it with all of you!
For those of you who have been following my blog know that my mom and I do not have a good relationship. My mom never abused me, so that is not the issue with us. It is mostly her misunderstanding of my DID and her wanting me to be "normal" and her denial that anything - relating to abuse - happened to me. But my experience with this new therapist (see last post) has changed our entire relationship.
Since my mom was there in the session with me, my t and the new therapist, she was able to experience a lot of things with me that she has never seen before. My t encouraged me to talk with my mom after this horrible session because she would be the only other person to understand at least a fraction of what I was going through without having to do a bunch of explaining. I was very apprehensive at first because my mom is quick to judge things and I was in no state of mind to take any such thing. But I was brave and decided to try it.
My mom thought that me getting rid of most of my splits (only 6 remaining after the session with new therapist) was a huge step "in the right direction" to being "normal". But after a day without my main splits, I could see that I was going down the wrong path and failing miserably. I needed to bring them back.
I calmly explained this to my mom. I told her that it wasn't going backwards if I brought some - or all - of them back because without them I would not be okay. I would be way worse than not okay. I could see it in her face that she did not like the fact that I would need to bring some (or all) of them back, but I could also see that she was willing to accept it. That is HUGE.
I have been talking with my mom a lot over the past week about how I am doing and what my t and I have figured out since the horrible session with new therapist. It is weird for me to have this connection with my mom. I still feel like I'm telling her lies when it really is all true. I don't know why I feel this way - maybe it's my way of being defensive without showing it on the outside.
But something my mom said to me during one of our conversations really stuck out to me and to be honest, it surprised me. She told me (a little teary-eyed, might I add) "I cannot believe how strong you are. I don't know why you have to go through this but I don't think I could ever deal with what you have to deal with. You are constantly amazing me."
It really touched my heart. I finally feel like she is starting to want to understand what I deal with constantly.
Over the past few days, she has gotten more "gutsy" at asking me questions about my abuse. I have been very vague and most of the time I tell her I don't want to talk about it. She seems to trigger me a lot, unintentionally. It gets me all anxious and worked up. But I kind of hope we do get to a point where I can at least talk about it a little bit with her. I don't want her to know everything - there is no way she could handle it. But I think I do want her to know at least some things.
I finally got brave enough to say I didn't want to see Grandma C anymore. She comes over every Sunday for dinner and I'm sick of hiding from her. I want to be able to be in my own house and not have to worry about running into her or having to see her. My mom talked to my dad and supposedly they are going to work it out with her so she doesn't come over as often and hopefully eventually not at all. I know for a fact that Grandma C will NOT like that. I just hope it all works out...