Stood Up...

This week has been long...

Student teaching has its great days, and then not so great days. Luckily three out of the five this week were great. The other two... well... they could have been better.

I love my placement; I love (most) of the kids I work with and I am in a really good rhythm there. But those of you who have been following my blog know that I'm in a tough mental state right now, what with the releasing of my splits and all.

I do have 23 of them here with me now, so that has been good for me. I had a big meeting with everyone on Saturday and again on Sunday and things started to get better. But then I got so busy once the school week started, that I haven't had any time to myself, no meetings with the splits, and no down time whatsoever. I'm up at 5am and I'm constantly going going going until 9:30pm - 10pm at night. It's just hectic.

I have been telling my family each day that I have to have alone time or else I will crash. I cannot keep going like this without my time to myself. I just can't function without that time. And this week it was nonexistent.

So I was really looking forward to meeting with my T on Thursday afternoon - our new session time because that's the only day and time our schedules align with each other. Well, I drive the 20-25 minutes out there. I'm already a little bit late because I left the school later than normal, so I waited around about 5 - 10 minutes. I thought it was weird that she still wasn't there so I called her cell phone.

She picks up and says, "Bee? What's going on?"

"Oh nothing, I was just wondering where you are."

(T) "You were? Why?"

(Me) "Well, aren't we meeting today?"

(T) *audible gasp* "Oh my gosh I completely forgot to call you! I'm in California right now, visiting a friend."

(Me) "Oh..."

(T) "Don't we meet on Fridays?"

(Me) *slight pause* "No... we meet on Thursdays."

(T) "Wow I am so sorry. Let's reschedule for next Wednesday."

Next Wednesday?!?!? I don't think I will make it to Wednesday. Of course I didn't tell her that. I switched and someone told her it was okay that she forgot to call and that we would see her Wednesday.

Most of you - if not all of you - know that when your T leaves, it is expected of them to at least give you some kind of notice. Especially when your patient/client has DID. Some of my splits are really upset because my T didn't inform us of her trip. We didn't need to know where she was going, just that she would be gone. But we were all so focused on "make it to Thursday, make it to Thursday" that when Thursday came and we didn't see her, we fell apart. Today was really rough for everyone, including me.

And to make matters worse...
I had a doctors appointment on Monday. I'm really close with this doctor and she listens to me when she's checking up on me and making sure I'm not going to collapse from lack of food. I call her my "pseudo therapist". She knows about my abuse history and about my DID. But when I went to her office on Monday, I waited about 30 minutes in the waiting room. Then a nurse came out and told me that my doctor was sick and we would need to reschedule the appointment. I was a little irritated that they made me wait but nonetheless, I made an appointment for Friday (today) and went home.

I show up today, and I wait for 45 minutes. I ended up having to leave because I had to go to a seminar for student teaching, so I didn't get in to see her AGAIN. We rescheduled for Tuesday.

I feel so unimportant this week. Like someone to be thrown under the rug when things get too busy or there's not enough time. I really needed someone to be there for me this week and I just haven't gotten that... Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm needy, maybe I'm just overreacting... I don't know. But I feel awful and left behind and lost.

I just wanted someone to care, at least a little.