Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Tears Won't Come

It's like I'm not living.

My mind is blurry, I cannot think.

It is as though I am drifting off to find a better place.

I really need to see my T. Lately she has gotten more patients/clients so she can't see me as often and I'm starting to feel the effects of it. After losing most of my splits, I have not done well at all. I never wanted to integrate in the first place, so releasing them was the worst possible thing to happen.

As I go longer and longer without my other splits, I find myself struggling to function. I am trying so hard to appear "normal" but it's just too hard. Something is really wrong in my mind and I need my splits back - all of them.

I'm so afraid of the damage this release has caused. I can't believe I actually trusted this other therapist. I never let my guard down. I never trust until I have known a person a long time. What the h*ll was I thinking?!?!

I'm tempted to call my T... I keep losing major gaps of time. I know the littles who are left are so depressed and distraught that it is making it even more difficult for me to function.

These past two weeks have been horrible and I just want to go back in time and tell myself not to go to that new therapist. She really messed up my mind, my system, my life. I want to cry but I can't. The tears won't come...

1 comment:

  1. Offering you hugs. I read your description of what happened to you. It is possible that it was of a spiritual nature more than an emotional/mental nature.

    I hope you can figure out what you need.