I see you, but no one else can.
I hear you, but no one else will.
I talk to you, but others think I'm crazy.
I know you, but others think you're a lie.
I've really been struggling lately with reality. I don't know if it is from a severe lack of sleep or a severe increase of dissociation. Whenever I talk about my splits (which isn't too often...) I feel like it's a lie - like I'm making them up. Only, I KNOW they are there and I KNOW they are very real. It's a horrible feeling, though, to feel like I'm lying.
My T called me on Sunday, apologizing for forgetting about our session on Thursday. She told me that she was coming home early from her trip and that she would meet with me Monday (yesterday). So after I got done at the school yesterday, I drove down there.
Our session wasn't normal though... I mean, we met in the same place and sat in the same spots we always do, but something was just off. I don't know if I was having trouble communicating things to her or if she just wasn't understanding what I was saying. Either way, there was a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding going on. By the end, I felt like we didn't get anything accomplished. But then again, it could be because I'm really struggling with reality right now.
Student teaching is going better than I ever dreamed it would. I love teaching and I love the students I am working with. I feel very accepted and comfortable there and I'm just happy. I'm actually excited to get up every morning - it gives me something to look forward to. It does wear me out, however, and by the time I get home I am so dead tired that I hardly do anything productive. My pain has also been pretty severe. I've learned how to survive through it and tolerate it while at school, and then once I get home I just cry it off. I down pain killers and hope the pain will subside.
Enough rambling... I better get to sleep (or to bed, since I don't sleep) so I can be refreshed for the school day tomorrow. I hope you all had a good start to your week!