Tuesday, August 31, 2010

What Is Reality?

I see you, but no one else can.
I hear you, but no one else will.
I talk to you, but others think I'm crazy.
I know you, but others think you're a lie.

I've really been struggling lately with reality. I don't know if it is from a severe lack of sleep or a severe increase of dissociation. Whenever I talk about my splits (which isn't too often...) I feel like it's a lie - like I'm making them up. Only, I KNOW they are there and I KNOW they are very real. It's a horrible feeling, though, to feel like I'm lying.

My T called me on Sunday, apologizing for forgetting about our session on Thursday. She told me that she was coming home early from her trip and that she would meet with me Monday (yesterday). So after I got done at the school yesterday, I drove down there.

Our session wasn't normal though... I mean, we met in the same place and sat in the same spots we always do, but something was just off. I don't know if I was having trouble communicating things to her or if she just wasn't understanding what I was saying. Either way, there was a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding going on. By the end, I felt like we didn't get anything accomplished. But then again, it could be because I'm really struggling with reality right now.

Student teaching is going better than I ever dreamed it would. I love teaching and I love the students I am working with. I feel very accepted and comfortable there and I'm just happy. I'm actually excited to get up every morning - it gives me something to look forward to. It does wear me out, however, and by the time I get home I am so dead tired that I hardly do anything productive. My pain has also been pretty severe. I've learned how to survive through it and tolerate it while at school, and then once I get home I just cry it off. I down pain killers and hope the pain will subside.

Enough rambling... I better get to sleep (or to bed, since I don't sleep) so I can be refreshed for the school day tomorrow. I hope you all had a good start to your week!



  1. It used to be that I didn't sleep. People thought I was exagerating, of course. How could anyone not sleep? I would sometimes get four hours, but not usually in a row. I was so tired I didn't feel tired anymore.

    I started sleeping when I started taking seroquel. I take a really low dose. I have taken sleeping pills but nothing worked until the seroquel. I used to take 50 mgs, now I take only 25 and it still works.

    Some people take hundreds of mgs. I knew one person who took 800 a day! But for sleep, a really low dose works and it doesn't seem to have a lot of side affects.

    Have you ever tried it?

    It also helps keep my moods from being quite as extreme. I still go up and down, but I don't fall into the pit quite so badly as I did before I took it.

  2. "I see you, but no one else can.
    I hear you, but no one else will.
    I talk to you, but others think I'm crazy.
    I know you, but others think you're a lie."

    I LOVE that! You have captured DID exquisitely!

    I am glad you are enjoying your student teaching. What grade are you teaching?

  3. Your little poem is wonderful and perfect. Well, we sure see you, hear you, talk to you and know you. You're not crazy and you're not a lie! And we're incredibly glad to know you--all of you!

  4. Shen,
    Yes, I've tried taking all different kinds of meds and sleeping pills to help me sleep. If it works then it only works for one night and then just doesn't work ever again for me. It's weird and frustrating so I've just given up on trying to take things for sleep.

    I am teaching 7th/8th Special Ed right now and then I will switch to 4th grade regular ed. I love the junior high kids though! It will be hard to move down to 4th...

    Thank you :)