I'm still processing it.
I don't even know what to say or where to begin.
I can't even remember if I have talked about "her" on this blog.
Today was my session with T. We brought back some more of the splits that were released. I am finally starting to feel more whole and complete - which is totally the opposite of DID but hey, it's my "normal" so go with it.
I was walking to my car after the session and I opened my phone to check my messages. There, sitting in the front of my inbox messages was a message from Caly.
Some background on Caly - we met when I was about 8 and we were friends for 11 years (about 3 - 4 of those years we were best friends). We went to the same elementary, junior high and high school (she was one grade ahead of me). We both ended up going to the same college and in my second semester she asked me to be roommates with her.
Long story short, she emotionally, verbally and sexually abused me the nine months we lived together. I didn't know about the sexual abuse part until a couple of my splits came forward about it a year later. She had an ongoing relationship with one of my splits that I had no idea about. And when I was out she would emotionally and verbally abuse me. It was a horrible situation to be in.
After several of my other friends telling me to move out, I finally found the courage and found a place with my other roommate and we moved out. This PISSED Caly off to no end. She ended our friendship.
Caly told me I had used her and that she had "given me everything" and that I was ungrateful, etc. She never wanted to see me or talk to me again.
That was three years ago.
I have seen her maybe 3 times since then. Twice was to pay for rent, and once at a baby shower of a mutual friend. That's it. No contact, no nothing.
And then I get this e-mail from her today saying "I just want to say that even though you screwed me over repeatedly, I would like to bury the hatchet."
Really, Caly?? Really?? I screwed you over?!?!
And what is with the random e-mail? Is she going through some life changing thing that has made her see that she shouldn't hate people? That she needs to make amends with everyone she's wronged?
I really don't know what to do. I haven't responded yet, and I'm not even sure how I would respond.
I feel like I keep getting thrown these huge life changing things lately... I'm just barely starting to heal from the crazy new therapist releasing most of my splits, and now I have to deal with a past best friend/abuser who apparently wants to make things "all better" between us. And then I start student teaching on Wednesday...
I have been in a weird funk ever since I read the message. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest - almost like what you feel like just before a panic attack, only the panic attack never comes! Ahhhh..... I just want Caly to go away. I was fine not talking to her.
This message has brought up a lot of old memories - most of which I didn't want to relive. She put me in a very dark place and I don't want to go back to that. I don't want her to have control over me anymore. But then I also want there to be some closure between us. I highly doubt I will ever be friends with her again but it would be nice to know that she doesn't hate me anymore - for whatever her reason is.
Blah... What a day... What a week! :/