Thursday, March 11, 2010

Define Normal

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not have the voices in my head. I would definitely miss them. We have some pretty good times. Laura always makes me laugh; Carly and Lynn keep me in a good mood; Janelle always has profound insights to just about anything; Tayela keeps everything organized and moving forward. It all seems so normal to have everyone here all the time. I'm almost afraid of losing them.

When my therapist first mentioned integration a few years ago, I freaked out. I rejected it immediately. I felt like she could never understand what it would be like to suddenly lose your sole support group. Now, my perspective is still pretty much the same but now I understand why she wanted full integration to be the goal. She wanted to give me a chance to have a "normal" life.

I actually did integrate quite a few of my splits. I originally had 103 and now I have 27. It was way too crowded and confusing with 103. Sometimes it's crazy with 27 but I feel like I know them so well.

I'm not sure where I am going with this post... but even though every day is a challenge with DID, I am glad they are here. And I am glad I am not the only one who has this. I am sad with why myself and others have DID, but I think it shows people how strong our minds can be when we are faced with horrible things.


  1. 103?
    How would someone keep track of all of them.
    I'm still learning and trying to understand all
    of this. I do not see a T. I will only talk to my
    Phyc Dr. or the PA. I tried T in the beginning
    when I was diagnosed with MMD but I didn't
    feel like it was doing any good and that I was
    waisting my $. I'm thinking about asking the
    PA what she thinks about all this. How would
    I even approach her tho? I have an appointment
    on the 15th. I'm scared, anxious and I'm
    getting a little sick to my stomach just thinking
    about doing it. *sigh*

    I'm glad I found your blog. I don't even
    remember how I found you......


  2. I actually have had up to almost 400 alters at one time. So 103 really wasn't that many for me. I wasn't able to keep track of all 103, but my main alters could. Having 27 is WAY easier. I know each of them by name and I know quite a bit about each of them. We have grown very close the past 2 1/2 years.

    What does MMD stand for? I have never seen that acronym before. I had a VERY hard time finding a therapist I liked, but once I found the one I have now, I have been able to learn so much and to start the process of healing. I wish you luck! Thank you for your comments :)

  3. Major Depression Disorder.... sorry (MDD)

    I've struggled with depression most of my life but it wasn't medicated or even acknowledged.
    I completely crashed about 12 years ago after a tramatic experience with someone whom I'd put complete trust in. Trust is a very hard for me to do. At this time I doubt I will ever do the complete trust thing again.
    I'm on meds. I'm feeling better this past year. Better than I've felt in a very long time. And I'm trying to taper some of my meds. They make me feel dead. I hate that feeling.
    I'm 47 yro. Married. No children by choice (I would hurt them I know).

  4. Oh! Okay, I know what that is.

    I also struggled with depression for most of my life, and it is actually what wound me up in therapy in the first place. When I was put on meds my junior year in high school, I started getting bizarre symptoms. A year later, my therapist officially diagnosed me with DID. My T video taped most of our sessions starting when I first started seeing her. I had no idea why she would want to video tape me, until a year later when she finally told me that I had DID.

    Right now I am not taking any meds for DID. We have found (the hard way) that meds just do not work for us. I'm 22, not married, and no children yet.