Thursday, March 18, 2010

So Much On My Mind...

I'm not even sure where to begin...

The day started out with me waking from a horrible nightmare that was definitely a memory popping up to remind me of the horrible things I have gone through. Several anxiety attacks later, I began throwing up. My stomach was hurting so badly by the time I normally get up for work and I felt like dying.

I got ready for work anyway, treating it like any other day. I drove to work, arrived at work. And then one of my co-workers asked me how my morning had been.

I almost burst into tears.

I told them I would be okay, as long as I could stay sitting and not move very much. They had me sit up front by the ladies who work the front desk. I was okay with that.

I started working on the computer work and about an hour or so into it, I heard one of the ladies having a very frustrating conversation on the phone. As soon as she hung up, she proclaimed, "I HATE people with multiple personalities!"

Let's just say, it was an awful, awful morning.

By lunch time I was so exhausted and in so much pain, that they sent me home. I managed to sleep for about two hours and now I am feeling a little bit better. I know I shouldn't have gone to work in my fragile mental state and weak physical state, but I don't call in sick to work. Ever. It's just not my thing, even if I am truly very sick.

I'm supposed to go stay with a friend this weekend. We haven't seen each other in about a year so I'm really looking forward to it. I leave in the morning. But I'm starting to worry... I'm afraid of another trigger to a horrible memory, or getting so sick that I spend the whole time lying down. My friend knows I am sick, so I am sure she would understand and we would just be lazy and watch a bunch of movies, but still... I feel like I need to be hyper and happy and bouncy and giddy like two college girls should be.

I shouldn't make such a big deal about it. I know it will be okay. I think I am just stressed from the nightmare and from being so sick all the time. I wish my doctors could figure out what is wrong... They are starting to piece it together - hence all the new medications - but I know they are missing something because I am still not getting any better. Sometimes it feels like I am slowly getting worse.

I feel like I need to have a long, good cry. But no tears have come. My therapist tells me all the time that I need to cry more. But after years and years of abuse, I have taught myself not to cry and now that has backfired on so many different levels because I so desperately need to cry.

My energy levels are so low today. I just want to be alone but I can't be. No one lets be just be alone. With a huge family, there is little time to be alone. That's partly why I need to move out. I need my space and my alone time, or else I'm not going to be able to go on much longer. I have some splits that can only be out when I'm alone because they shouldn't be out around other people. Like Kate. She could maul a bear with no fear and still be just as angry. And Emily; her hallucinations are so bad that she has to be in a controlled and secluded environment to be able to calm down.

I really, really needed to see my therapist this week... I just hope I can make it until Tuesday...


  1. Oh sweetie I am so sorry for your pain. That was so awful what you heard at work, remember that she wasn't directing that at you and you are perfect just as you are.

    I keep wanting to say to you are you interested in hearing about my T.? I know that is so presumptous please forgive me if I have crossed a line. I am not sure but I think we live close. I wish I could meet you if you wanted to.

    Listen, you can do this. You are doing this. ONe step at a time dear one. Be patient with yourself. Be yourself, you are enough.

    Polyvore is a place where many of us survivors work on art therapy It is so easy and the support is tremendous. There is a link on my blog on the right side.

    Big fat xoxo

    I hope you feel better.

  2. Me, too, what Vickie says. Block out the ugly words and focus on you, not on her. Don't give her any more power over you. I hope you have fun with your friend!

  3. Vicki,

    I think we do live pretty close. I live in Gilbert and I think you live in Mesa so that's pretty darn close! I used to live in Mesa actually. I would be interested in meeting though! That would be really neat.
    I am interested in hearing about your T. I really do like mine though. She knows me so well and helps me so much. She is LDS and it has been hard to find an LDS T. who works with DID.
    Thank you so much for your encouragement and your comments. It means so much!


    Thank you so much for comments. It's nice to know that I have people who care.


  4. Bee,
    No words can express how thankful I am for finding your blog recently. I too have nightmares that result in hours of throwing up. I took meds to try to counteract the nightmare-throw up stuff, however they did not work. Good Luck and keep trying until they figure out whats going on. As for the crying thing, it will come with time. I hope you had a good weekend you deserve it. Take Care.

  5. Hope,

    I know how you feel! I'm so glad I found yours as well and thank you for taking the time to read my blogs and comment on them. It means a lot.