Sunday, March 14, 2010

Grandma C

I hate Grandma C.

I have recently had many memories come up that involve her in some of my past abuse. So far I have seen glimpses of her holding me down or standing off to the side watching it happen.

What I do remember - and have never forgotten - was her abuse with food and body image. I used to spend the night at her house/apartment quite often when I was younger (and now I'm starting to remember all the abuse she exposed me to). Every time I was there, she would always suggest going swimming. I used to love to go swimming because of the way the water felt when I flowed through it. Now, I cannot even look at a swimming pool without feeling dirty or betrayed. While we would be swimming, she would always comment on my body - too fat, too thin, whatever. I was a skinny kid. I should not have had any body image troubles - but my Grandma definitely had them. She had been thin when she was younger and over the past 20 or so years, she has gained a lot of weight. I think she felt the need to take it out on me.

So every time I would be swimming with her, she would always comment on how I ate to much (which wasn't true at all) and that my "baby fat" would never leave. By the time I was ten, I was so convinced that I was fat (even though I was no where near it) that I used to hate eating in front of people - fearing that they would see my 'fat' and scold me for it. So, I began hiding food in my room. I would skimp through every meal I ate so no one would see me eating very much, and then at night I would eat and eat and eat. This was not good, mostly because the food we had that I could hide were sweets, candies, cookies, chips, etc. I started to put on weight, which only encouraged my Grandma more.

Why am I talking about this? Well... over the past few months, I have been having repressed memories surface of her abusing me or watching me be abused by her ex's (she's been married at least 7 different times). And she comes over for dinner at least once a week - usually on Sunday. For the past 12 or so weeks, I have hid out in my room because I am so upset with her for all the things she made me think and do when I was too young to understand and now it is so ingrained into my head that I can't stop thinking horrible things about myself. I don't want to see her ever again. The only problem is... I haven't told anybody about the memories I've remembered.

The last time and only time I have ever shared a memory of abuse with my parents did not go over well. I only told them a tiny fraction of it and they both flipped. My mom denied it, saying there was no way it could have happened. My dad, on the other hand, believed me and stormed off. He was so mad that he couldn't even look at me for over a week. If I tell them about Grandma, I will get the same reaction I'm sure. And I don't want to be the one who kicks her out of my family's life. I know I need to get away from her, but I don't know how to.

I told my therapist what I have remembered about my Grandma when it first happened a few weeks ago. She told me to think about telling my parents. I am scared to death to tell them. I know it is not my fault what she did to me, but I still don't want to be the reason she is kicked out of our house.

I am so torn... I don't want her to do the same thing to my sister's, but I also don't want them to hate me. So here I hide out in my room while she is over for dinner. I just hope she doesn't come find me...


  1. Sending you hope to find the answers you need. Trust yourself. I am so sorry for your pain.

  2. How old are you physically?