Wednesday, March 17, 2010

On The Fence...

Have you ever been talking to someone and them BAM you've lost time? Whether it was a couple seconds of the conversation, a couple minutes, or the rest of the conversation altogether?

It happens to me quite a bit. Especially when I am in pain. Today was no different.

I was at work, lunch time, and I was eating with some co-workers. We were talking, having a good time. All of them left except for one, and she started talking to me. I'm usually the one she talks to about her personal life because she doesn't have anyone else. Today she was telling me about her daughter, but I could not for the life of me keep myself focused and 'out'. I kept switching and I was losing huge chunks of the conversation. By the end of the conversation, I had no idea what she was talking about. I was just nodding and smiling or frowning - which ever seemed appropriate.

Sometimes I get so discouraged in those situations. I never know whether to just allow a switch and trust that a split will keep the conversation going, or if I should fight to stay out? Most of the time, fighting it makes it much worse - like today. But there are those rare times where I can be out and present with no problem - after some major fighting. I don't know... Maybe it was because I was in a lot of pain today.

I drove over to my grandparents house late last night because I couldn't be at my parents house any longer. I cannot even begin to express how much BETTER I feel just by leaving that toxic house. All my splits are functioning so much better than the past couple of days. That's probably a sign telling me that we should move out.'s been a long day. Fighting my splits to stay 'out' is really exhausting. Hopefully that means I will actually sleep tonight!

I still haven't been able to see my therapist this week and it is starting to take affect of me and the splits. I think I really needed to see her yesterday and her canceling at the last minute really threw us for a loop. I was up half the night last night with Allie because she was so upset about it. But what can I do? I'm not the kind of person who can just call up her therapist and give her a piece of my mind. I wish I could, I really do, but I just can't. I don't even tell her that I'm upset with her once I do meet with her. It's like I freeze up. Like it doesn't "really" matter, even though it kind of does.

Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I'm not. I feel like I need to be "careful" around my therapist so she doesn't decide to stop seeing us. It's a weird place to be.

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