Monday, March 15, 2010

Spring Break, My T, & Disappearing

Today is the first "official" day of spring break. I have spent more time on homework today than I have spent on it all semester. Why do teachers feel the need to pack spring break with homework?! It's ridiculous in my opinion... Good thing this is my last semester of college! I start student teaching in the fall.

I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow... I think we are going to do another little segment of that Oprah episode I mentioned a couple of posts ago. I hope it still goes as well as it has the last three sessions.

Last week my T mentioned that we might be switching times...AGAIN. I do not handle my schedule being changed around so much. At the beginning of August, we switched to Monday mornings and we did that for a while. And then suddenly we switched to Tuesday mornings - let me explain the "suddenly".

Every year, without fail, I disappear between the months of September and November. From the beginning of September to the end of November, I am not out at all. I do not know where I go, or what I do, or who is out. For as long as I can remember, those three months do not exist in my reality. My T and I are still trying to figure it out... we haven't even found a reason why.

So apparently between Sept and Nov of last year, we switched from Mon mornings to Tues mornings. I just BARELY got used to that change about a month ago, and now my T wants to switch to Tues nights. You may think, "oh, that's not a big change!" But it is my friend... it IS. I base my whole life around my schedule. I plan everything to the "tee" because that's how I need it to be. My splits (alters) thrive on structure. If they don't have structure, then they make up whatever they want to. And those of you with DID, know that is not always a good thing.

We will probably be discussing this schedule change tomorrow. But I probably won't bring the fact up that it will bother me and throw off my whole routine. Why? Because I feel sorry for my T. Maybe that's not the right word... I feel "bad" for her. That's still not a good word, but hopefully you get my point. Right now I am one of her two patients that she sees. She sees me once a week, and she sees her other patient about twice or less a month. I'm just waiting for the day that she will tell me she can't see me as often, and then it will get to the point where she won't be able to see me at all. I don't really know what to do. I have been going to her for 5 years now. She was the one who diagnosed me with DID. She is the one who has helped me to get to where I am today. All my splits adore her, which is rare for them to all like one specific person. Every other therapist I have tried out, they have hated - or at least most of them hated. I just hope and pray that everything will work out with her.

Well that's all for now I suppose. I may get on and post more about tonight - if I end up going to this singles thing my sister wants me to go to with her. I usually go to a singles thing every Tuesday night, but I am leaving town tomorrow afternoon so I won't be able to go.

I hope everyone has had a good start to their week!


  1. I totally despise change too. When things are even slightly off its uncomfortable. When my therapist changes our session times or days my parts don't like it either. My college does this thing when they reschedule classes to another day and it totally annoying.

    Really glad when I discovered your blog its awesome,take Care.

  2. Hope,

    Thank you for your comments! I'm so glad I was able to find your blog too. I'm glad my college doesn't change its schedule - that would be very annoying. Thanks again!


  3. I really understand!! You are so clear about everything. I was wondering have you tried Polyvore? I have a link to it at my blog. There are so many survivors there who struggle with those months of the year. Do you have any ideas of why you dissociate at that time of year?
    God Bless you dear.

  4. Vicki,

    What is Polyvore? I have never heard of it... Other people struggle with those months too? That is interesting... I've had a couple of theories, but over the years my therapist and I have eliminated them but we keep trying.
    Thank you so much.