Friday, May 14, 2010

What Happened, T?

Today has been so hard... I can't remember anything at all. I think I'm dissociating so badly at this point that I don't even know if "I" am actually out.

I have been holding back these feelings about my T for a few weeks now, hoping that things would straighten out and turn out to be nothing but they seem to be getting worse.

Lately, I feel like my T is having memory problems. We talk about something really big or important in a session, and then the next week it will come up again and she will act like it is completely new and I am sitting there telling her that no, it is not new - we just talked about it last week. But she will have no memory of it. She proceeds to tell me that it is a "breakthrough" and so on. This has happened so many times over the past two or three months that I am beginning to wonder what is going on with her...

Then there are things that we have worked on in the past that I am done working through and I have healed and moved on, but she proceeds to bring them up over and over and wants me to keep working on them. Sometimes she brings up things from so long ago that I have completely forgotten about them. She isn't purposely bringing up old stuff - it is like she has totally forgotten what we have done and she really wants me to be able to work through them. Only problem is, I've already done it!

She has never had a problem like this before. She usually has a much better memory than I do. I don't know if I should be worried about this or what. I tried talking to her about it about two or three weeks ago but she didn't seem to understand how concerned I was about it. And then the next session it was like we never had talked about it at all. Is this totally weird? Or am I reading way too much into things?

Sometimes I wonder if she is actually writing things down on her notepad that I am saying or if she is just scribbling nothing. She tells me she will e-mail me after our session - like a specific assignment for me or the splits, or things she wants me to bring to the next session, or things to start thinking about, etc - but she never e-mails me. And when I show up at the next session, she doesn't even mention the assignments she was suppose to e-mail me! It's just so confusing... She's not even old - she's about 42 or 43. I don't know. I just really don't know.

I didn't get to see her on Tuesday because her daughter was really sick and I thought I would be okay with it but today has just been so hard for me that I am really wishing I had seen her. Now I have to wait until next Friday because I start working full time on Monday, and that's only if her schedule works out.

And that's another thing. In our last session I told her that I would be switching to working full time during the summer and that I would need to start meeting with her on either Monday mornings or Friday afternoons. She told me that Friday afternoons would be perfect for her and to plan on that for the summer. So today I e-mailed her to confirm next Friday, and she told me that she didn't know if it would work and she would get back to me. Um...what?! She had just said that she could!! I am so confused....

I'm not sure what to do with this whole situation. I really love my T and I don't want to stop going to her, but I feel like something is going on with her that is starting to affect our sessions and my getting better. Should I bring it up with her again and see if we actually get somewhere with it? I just don't know...


  1. I would bring it up. Actually, I have brought up stuff like that. What I did, tho, was to ask a question, like, "I remember telling you (such and such), and I gave you a name (or color), do you remember what it was?" My T has everything on his phone/comp so he pulls it out and types in a search word and finds it. That way, I know he's actually writing things down. But if your T is going thru something difficult, it's not up to you to "live thru it". Definitely, bring it up.

  2. "...She's not even old - she's about 42 or 43." - gee thanks! I'm 43.

    Do you feel comfortable printing this post out and giving it to her? Maybe she needs a kick in the butt to get herself and your therapy back on track. You have been with her a long time, right? Perhaps she has become complacent with your therapy.

    I think you need to tell her to get the most out of your time, money, and mental health. She needs to know to keep her job and to continue being a positive and healthy partner in your care.

    You are so honest in this blog and with your mother and sisters and you owe it to yourself to be just as honest with her.


  3. Ivory,
    I have brought it up (how you suggested) in the past few sessions but it doesn't seem to spark any memory for her, so maybe I need to be more bold? I'm just scared to I guess...

    One of my splits wanted me to put that! I didn't mean it as offensive in any way! So I'm hoping it didn't come across as such.
    I'm not sure if I feel comfortable printing out this post and giving it to her... I may eventually have to do that though. I have been with her for a long time - about 5 1/2 years. I don't like pointing out other people's faults to them so maybe why this has been so hard for me. I still have a few days to mull it over before I meet with her again.

    Thanks for your comments!


  4. I was joshin' ya. You're a swell gal. A real hip chick. *sigh*