What is the difference between the two?
T and I talked about this during our session today. She asked me how power and force were different. I said when I think of force, I think of "push" and when I think of power, I think "pull".
She then asked me if I created my splits out of power or force. I thought about it for a minute, and then I said "force".
'Why did you say that?' she asked.
'Because,' I said, 'I forced myself to split so I didn't have to deal with the hurt and the pain and the abuse anymore.'
'You are right on,' she said. 'What do you think the splits use now? Power or force?'
I wasn't quite sure how to answer this question. When I think of power, I think of control. When someone has power, they have control. When I think of my splits, I don't necessarily see them as having power - or control - right now, because of the rapid switching, dissociating, and major loss of, well, control. I didn't think they used force either, because if that were the case then I would be in a very bad state right now. And although I feel like I am crashing down hard and fast, I don't think it is because they are forcing that upon me. So I answered, 'Power. Except, I don't think they have either right now.'
'You are right on.'
We then talked about regaining that power for myself and the splits. Someone needs to be in control - in a good way. There needs to be healthy decisions going on, a secure and safe system, a way to deal with simple and hard things. We need to be able to sleep at night to function during the day. We need to be able to focus and remember things. We need to get better physically. Right now we are not in that place, so we need to find our way back.
T and I then talked about my need for control.
We try so hard to be in control. On the outside, we make it look like we are normal, and possibly as far from in control as possible so no one knows that we are in control. Even though deep down in us somewhere we know we can never be in control, which seems to push us to want to be in even more control. And that vicious cycle just keeps going round and round until we break.
She told me that this will cause us to self-destruct and completely fall apart. I agree with her.
So my assignment this week is to let it go. Don't try so hard to control everything and just let it go. Part of my assignment is to write down the things that I feel I have a need to control and why I feel I need to control them. I have two weeks to do this since we cannot meet next week due to Memorial Day weekend.
I also brought up with her about how I feel that she has been acting different and how I don't feel that she is really hearing me (see post). She told me she had had a couple of rough weeks but it is over now and she is back on track. She showed me all of her notes from our more recent sessions and I am surprised at how good of a note taker she is. I feel so much better about the whole situation. When I walked in right before our session, I could just tell she was doing so much better and she looked happy. It was such a huge comfort after such a rough couple of weeks.
And also you can see that I did not leave town to go be with K for the weekend. I talked to Rae last night and this morning and we decided that it would be better if we stagger our visits so that K can have support for a longer period of time instead of all in one weekend. I agreed with this and I am actually very relived. I really needed to see T and I was under way too much stress. I am hopefully going to be going to visit K next weekend.
I also got my student teaching assignment this afternoon! I am very excited and I will actually be student teaching in one of my old elementary schools, so that should be interesting. I was assigned 4th grade which is a HUGE relief! I really want to teach 5th - 9th grades and I was so worried that I was going to get K-3 or something, but 4th is great. I am very excited! I still don't have my other student teaching assignment. Since I am a dual major (Special Ed and Elementary Ed) I will do 8 weeks regular ed and 8 weeks special ed, so I am still waiting on my special ed assignment. I am hoping for a junior high placement so we'll see!
Okay this post is long enough. I hope you all have a fabulous weekend!