Thursday, April 8, 2010

The E-mail

I feel weird even mentioning this but I need another opinion...

My T sent me an e-mail this morning that was for my splits mostly but for some reason I happened to read it first. I don't know why but I am very offended by it, and I don't get offended very easily...

This was the e-mail:

"Ok all you splits your assignment for the week is to figure out what is going on inside of Bee. Why is everyone so upset? What did MaRae tell me that Bee denied? I am really good at reading Bee but when she tells me that what I think is not right, I have to believe her. Looking at it as a counselor is believing what she sees to be true for her, I cannot expect her to tell me anything else but what she really believes.

I would like Bee to be out more of the time. I can tell in our last few sessions she has not been out much. Right after she went to see *doctor* she was doing the best, lets work to get her back there (I went to this doctor 6 weeks ago).

What are the new splits from lower levels without names and what are they doing?

That is plenty for you to work on. I will see Bee on Tues morning.

T" (changed name)

I don't know if I'm over-reacting or not... First what bugs me about this e-mail is that it comes off as my splits are bad and I'm the victim right now - which I don't believe to be true at all. It is like she is taking my side and going against them, but I view us all to be on the same side. Second, she knows I have not been out much, but she expects me to be out more. We just discussed on Tuesday that I have pretty much no control over it, and neither do the splits. It is complicated to explain on here but my T knows that and it seems like she is going behind my back to make my splits force me to be out. One, they would never do that, especially if I do not want to be out. And two, they don't always have the ability to do that. The splits also know that if I am experiencing too much physical pain than I tend to fade more quickly and more often if I try to be out more. Therefore, my T telling them that she would like me to be out more is pointless and I thought she knew that.

T also knows that right after I went to see that doctor, I was extremely happy because the doctor had finally figured out some of the things that were going on with me physically and started putting me on a bunch of different things to help me to get better. So at that time, I was very optimistic and ready to get better. The only thing is, it will take months, maybe even years for me to start feeling better and to get better so as the weeks have gone by, I am slowly learning the slow and painful process. It is hard to be happy and "out" all the time when you are in severe pain - hence the multiple personalities in the first place.

And in the last part of the e-mail T asks about the splits in the lower levels. These splits surface when my system "fails" or has a "chaotic moment", like we had this past week with all of the fighting. So I really had no control over if I was out or not because they put their system into effect while my main system was fighting. My T and I spent over 2 sessions going over who these splits were, their names, their purpose, etc (About 4 - 5 months ago). T wrote this all down on her notepad. And now suddenly they are a mystery to her and have no names? It makes me wonder if she is really listening to me.

I am offended by this e-mail and I don't know if I should bring that up with T or not. I usually don't bring those kinds of things up with her because I feel stupid when I do. But this e-mail really bothered me and some of the splits who have had the chance to read it. I just feel like all of this work we have been doing together has not been "real" because this whole e-mail seems like she has no idea what is going on. I understand that she wants to figure out why they are fighting, but why couldn't she just say that? I don't know what to do... I'm hoping it won't affect our relationship.

She is not going to be happy when she finds out that I still have not been out much... It's just that March and April are extremely hard months for me and I really don't like being out much, but I do try to be. I know I take every opportunity to "disappear" right now because I'm having such a hard time. I set it up that way.

I just can't shake the fact of how offended I am by this e-mail... Am I over-reacting?



  1. I admit I would be offended too. I get really angry when people want just my so called "host" alter. I guess from a therapeutic point if view its just "the work" but I mean its hard to be out all the time when things are shitty. So I think its totally okay to not be out all the time, my therapist used to bother me about my so called "host" alter coming to sessions but I think she is leaving her alone right now. You should talk to your therapist about that email. Talk to you soon.

  2. Your T might just be trying to enlist the help of your alters in understanding you better or to help you. I would print the email and take it to your next appt and ask her what she wanted to accopmlish with it and why she wrote what she did. Afterall, she does say that she believes you will say what you feel...

  3. Hope,
    I feel weird for being so offended by it... It is hard to be out all the time and it is even harder when you can't control it at all. I am still thinking about whether or not to talk to her about it. Thanks for you comment.

    I know she doesn't mean to offend and that she does want to understand but I guess I felt she did it in a way that just really bothered me. I'm glad she believes what I say because I didn't have that with anyone growing up. I think I will print the email and see what happens. Thanks for your comment.