Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I Just Don't Know...

Today was so crazy and stressful…

My parents are trying to sell our house because my dad doesn’t want to keep spending so much money on it when we could be living in something smaller. The splits just aren’t too happy about moving. Today we had to get it all “perfect” to show to some people and both my parents are so anal about everything that anything we did just wasn’t perfect enough. This made the splits and I feel completely worthless. I reached a point where I just didn’t want to help anymore, so I went in my room and studied for my final.

My mom ended up coming in my room and rearranging a whole bunch of things. I was totally freaking out in my mind but didn’t let it show because I couldn’t control what she was doing and I knew I could put it all back. I just HATE it when people move or touch my stuff without asking.

My final went really good. I feel confident in how I did. I don’t know when I will receive my score but I’m not worried about that. It is DONE and I am perfectly happy with that!

I saw T this morning. The session was just weird... My energy levels were low because I was feeling very nauseous and T had a headache. We first talked about the e-mail she sent me last week that had offended me. She told me that all she wanted to do was for the splits to work together to figure out what the heck is going on with me. I had gotten all worked up and offended over nothing… So we’re good now.

Then we talked about how the talk with my mom went – which went not so good. T wants me to try again this week... Joy. She then was asking how often I had been out, which was like nadda. T thinks the splits are fighting me for more time out which isn’t true. The splits want me to be out the majority of the time. It’s just the time of year that seems to really get to me and I am just having the hardest time staying out right now.

We also figured out today that I apparently have some type of eating disorder and major problems with food. T doesn’t know the cause of all of it yet. She thinks it may be the splits trying to protect me still. I am very confused about the whole thing, but she wants the splits to start figuring it out. We’ll see how that actually goes... I guess when I was anorexic at 14 and 15, it never really left me. News to me! But I can see how my health problems could totally stem from all of that. I have always had problems with eating and food since I was really little, because of allergies and just weird reactions, plus all the abuse centered around food. I don’t know...
Does anybody else with DID have major food issues that you have found and have worked through? Any suggestions? I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense… I’m not sure I fully understand it right now.

My three classes tonight just didn’t go very well... I had to do a presentation on a chapter and the switching going on was just crazy. One minute I would be out and then the next moment I would be mid sentence and then I would come out again and I was talking about something else and wow, I was so out of it and so confused. It was really bad… I hope it wasn’t as crazy sounding to my classmates. I don’t even know what was going on… Today has just been really sucky I guess...



  1. I have a lot of food issues and allergies and have been treated for my ED on and off since age 8. A lot of abuse centered around food but I have often struggled to figure out what the problem actually was. The first big breakthrough was when my old therapist and I decided to have a session where we both had a snack to eat. This was really helpful and really disasterous too. I was a mess for weeks after that session because of all the crap that came up, but we were starting to get the issues. Just my experience.

  2. Food seems to be many mothers' way of control. I actually posted about it on my blog here:

    I hope you can work thru it and not have to wait until you are my age. At least you know NOW there is an issue, I was clueless until I was about 35.

  3. Thinking of you Bee. All of yous and sending you my xoxo

  4. Sorry things are so chaotic right now. I'll bet your presentation didn't look as bad to others as it felt to you. Many times when I'm feeling switchy and off, I'm certain I'm not making sense but the people around me tell me I am. Hope you have a nice weekend!

  5. Tempy,
    I also have a lot of food allergies as well... Sometimes I wonder if they are truly allergies or if food as become such a problem that I unknowingly make myself allergic to most foods. Having a session like that would be soooo interesting. I can't even imagine! Thanks for your comment.

    I am glad that I know it is an issue now. It's not fun at all but if I can work through it now then maybe I can have a more "normal" life later on. Thanks for your comment.

    Thanks so much, it means a lot!

    I hope it didn't look bad... Usually my friends in my classes will tell me if I did a good job but this time they didn't say anything so I don't know what all happened. Thanks for your comment.


  6. Hello. My mother used to give me too much food and force me to sit at the table until it was all gone, or barely feed me at all. I didn't realize it was abuse until early adulthood. Now I think I overcompensate with my own children - making sure they like everything I cook, making special meals for them, etc....there's a middle ground in there somewhere....

    I think food is a comfort and a necessity. Lately I feel I'm finding the right balance. I know I can walk into the pantry or refrigerator and whip up a good, healthy meal. I make sure there is enough to bake at least a little cake or snack, and try to always have little snacks (pretzels, chips, crackers, etc.) on hand. Now that I am in control of the food (and that is the entire point of my mother using food against me) I feel more confident and the only food issues I have lately is trying not to eat the chocolate cake that stares at me all day while the kids are at school.

    When a person feels powerless they may try to use any little thing to garner some control. Food is a major control because we can't live without it, and the person who is controlling it is demonstrating that you cannot live without them, and they have the power of life and death over you. I'm sure the person abusing with food isn't putting that much thought into it, though.

    Well, I've rambled on long enough. That was a good question, though. It took me a while to understand my problems with food.

    Take care.