Still Thinking...

I am still really struggling with what my T suggested I do at night - the "integrating to sleep" thing... I appreciate the comments and the e-mails I have gotten in response to my last post. I still have not tried it and I don't think I'm going to. I have talked to some of my main splits about it and they definitely do not think it is a good idea. Especially because of some of the things a few of the splits are going through right now. It would not be good to meld together at night. And after Tempy's comment on my last post, I don't even think a temporary integration would be possible.

All day I have also been thinking about how "weak" I am sometimes. I always let people have their way. I don't argue with people. If someone has a very different opinion than mine, I find myself nodding in agreement with them and not expressing my own views. I don't know why I do this... Sometimes it really bothers me that I can't speak up for myself. I guess I just don't want to make anyone else feel bad or embarrassed.

I find myself doing this in my sessions with my T. When she says things, I just nod and go along with them. I rarely go against what she is saying, even when I know she is a little off or maybe totally wrong altogether. It really bugs me. And this last session, I wish I could have been more persistent in letting her know how much this "integrating at night" thing really bothers me - it freaks me out!

I keep going to write her an e-mail about how I feel, but I keep deleting it. I don't know what my problem is. I know she won't be mad at me or hate me for writing her how I feel. She would actually be really glad that I am expressing how I truly feel. But I just can't bring myself to write it out and send it.

Ahhhh I feel so stressed out right now over this "integrating at night" issue. It just seems so wrong... I don't know why but it does.

Maybe I should go watch some TV or a movie to get my mind off things...

-Bee*