Thursday, April 29, 2010

Still Thinking...

I am still really struggling with what my T suggested I do at night - the "integrating to sleep" thing... I appreciate the comments and the e-mails I have gotten in response to my last post. I still have not tried it and I don't think I'm going to. I have talked to some of my main splits about it and they definitely do not think it is a good idea. Especially because of some of the things a few of the splits are going through right now. It would not be good to meld together at night. And after Tempy's comment on my last post, I don't even think a temporary integration would be possible.

All day I have also been thinking about how "weak" I am sometimes. I always let people have their way. I don't argue with people. If someone has a very different opinion than mine, I find myself nodding in agreement with them and not expressing my own views. I don't know why I do this... Sometimes it really bothers me that I can't speak up for myself. I guess I just don't want to make anyone else feel bad or embarrassed.

I find myself doing this in my sessions with my T. When she says things, I just nod and go along with them. I rarely go against what she is saying, even when I know she is a little off or maybe totally wrong altogether. It really bugs me. And this last session, I wish I could have been more persistent in letting her know how much this "integrating at night" thing really bothers me - it freaks me out!

I keep going to write her an e-mail about how I feel, but I keep deleting it. I don't know what my problem is. I know she won't be mad at me or hate me for writing her how I feel. She would actually be really glad that I am expressing how I truly feel. But I just can't bring myself to write it out and send it.

Ahhhh I feel so stressed out right now over this "integrating at night" issue. It just seems so wrong... I don't know why but it does.

Maybe I should go watch some TV or a movie to get my mind off things...


1 comment:

  1. It sounds like you are overwhelmed right now. It's hard to integrate anytime. It seems like losing part of yourself. It's really not though. It's just making less splits and progressing toward being one person with many facets. Don't try to jump into this right now. Thanks for sharing this personal life you have. God bless.