I cannot remember if I have talked about this previously in my blog...but one of my assignments from my T. last week (and again this week) is to talk to my mom about boundaries and about me being old enough to not need her to know about every little thing I do and have to be with me 24/7. I am almost 22 and if I had the option to live on my own I would! But I have to live at home right now because of my health complications and my lack of money.
My mom is a very "controlling" person in her own quiet way. She never tells you exactly what she wants but will hint at it SO much that it drives you crazy. Daily I want to say to her "stop beating around the bush and just tell me what you want!" Secretly, she wants me and all of my siblings to live at home for the rest of our lives so she always knows what we are doing. Of course, being 22 (and previously living on my own for over 2 years and then having to move back in) I am not wanting that at all. I want to break free of this and live my own life, without my mom breathing down my back every second of every day.
Now this is all very confusing to me... I really want to have a good relationship with my mom. I want to be able to talk to her about things that I am doing in my life and things I want to accomplish, and also about stupid girl things and boys, etc. But I can't talk to her about anything without her blowing it out of proportion and turning it into something "evil" or "bad" or "unacceptable". And the rare and few times I actually trust her with something very hard for me to share, she tells everyone and their dog. I have resorted to telling her the bare minimum.
So for a couple years now, I have been talking to my T. about how much my mom drives me crazy and how I wish I could have a good relationship with her. My mom doesn't even know the extent of my abuse - she just knows one teeny tiny fragment that is so minuscule compared to the rest of it that she thinks that my being abused was "not that bad" or "nothing to fret over". I so badly want to be able to share at least some of what I have been through, but right now I cannot trust her at all.
My T. wants me to talk to my mom about boundaries. How right now is my time to heal, not just physically but mentally, emotionally, spiritually. How I need to have more "alone time" and "time to breathe" so I can focus on myself and my splits. I need to be able to tell her that right now it's going to seem like I am more of a roommate because I am at the point in my life where I should be living on my own and I should be more independent of her and my dad, but I can't be because of my health.
This future conversation is going to be so hard for me. I hate making my mom feel obsolete. But I need time to find myself and to heal and I can't do that if she is always there, always watching, always breathing down my back. She expects me to be normal or striving to be normal and I wish she would just accept me for who I am.
I really, truly want to be really good friends with my mom because I feel that it is so important. I know she will never be comfortable with my splits and I have come to accept the fact that she will never get to know them. And sometimes I wonder how we could ever be good friends if she doesn't get to know them. They are so much a part of me that not knowing them would be like hardly knowing me at all. But I want that bond. I want to be able to go to her when I need something. I want to be able to talk to her when I need someone to listen to what I have to say. I want to be able to tell her when I don't want to share something with her.
I have been thinking about just writing her a letter because I do SO much better expressing my true feelings through writing. I have never been good at talking. I may talk a lot but most of the time it is just rambling to cover up how I really feel. And through writing, the person reading can't interrupt like they can when you are talking. But would writing a letter to my mom about this kind of thing be okay? I usually write to her when things between us get so bad that I am left crying all the time because she has hurt me so badly that I can't even be in the same room with her. I don't know... I don't feel like I am strong enough to have this conversation with my mom. Writing would be so much easier for me...
I keep telling myself that I need to do this sooner rather than later. But I keep getting that horrible sick feeling in my stomach that makes me want to disappear altogether so I won't have to deal with this anymore.
I need help in preparing for this conversation... If any of you have ever been through this or are going through this now or have something that can help me with this or help me to not feel so anxious and nervous, please comment. I need anything that will help me to get through this - even a word of encouragement. I feel so inadequate for this task...
-Bee*
Oh, Bee, you are standing at a gate of fire. I have been there. I talked to my mother - I actualy had her go go therapy with me so my T could tell her. It still blew up in my face and now my whole family wants to sue my T. But, what I learned from it, is that I expected more from my mother than she could give me. In fact, she couldn't give me anything, which left me even more hurt. So, if I could give you any advice, it would be don't be afraid of how she will feel if you tell her. If she doesn't accept you for who you are now, knowing what happened to you won't elicit that emotion from her, so you have nothing to lose by telling her. Telling her is for you, not her. As children, we want to protect our parents because, after all, at sometime in our early childhoods, we thot parents were like gods, but you are no longer a child, only part of you still is. You cannot protect your mother from the truth but you are carrying it and blame so she won't have to. Sit her down, and begin with, "Mother, I want to say something. I want to talk about me. I want you to listen and not respond until I'm fininshed..." Write it all down and hold it in your lap and refer to it when needed. I'm sorry, you can see I am very opinionated, but I want you to take what you can from all this and if it doesn't suit you, then don't listen to me! I'm so sorry you are at this crossroads and I hope you post and let us know how it all goes. Many safe and strengthing hugs!!! (({BEE})))
ReplyDeleteIvory,
ReplyDeleteThank you SO much for responding to my post. Your words are very helpful and I find myself a little more relaxed. You're right, I think I do want to protect my mother from the truth, probably because I don't want to hurt her or make her feel like she wasn't there to protect me. I just somehow need to find the strength to sit across from her and tell her these things. My therapist suggested my mom coming in and doing a session with us, but I just can't do that. I don't know why, but it scares me to death. She is out of town for the next few days so I'm trying my best to be prepared to talk to her when she gets back. Thanks again...it means a lot.
-Bee
i wish we could help you but alas our mother was one of our primary abusers and more than likely a multiple herself, we wished we could offer advice but we cant.
ReplyDeletebut we are so amazed at your courage thankyou
Hi Bee, I really feel for you as well - I've been there. I've talked with my mother about needing time and space, about living with "depression" (my coverall for PTSD), and about the past and the fact that it's a gift that keeps on giving. I've even had her on my therapist's couch. Twice.
ReplyDeleteInitially I think she tried to understand. Reality, though, is that she can't. She never will be able to.
It's taken me a long time to get close to anything approximating "acceptance" of all this.
However, that said, my mother is not your mother. I really like Ivory's suggestions of how to approach this. I did the writing down thing and I did the "Mum, I need to talk to you". It helped. She gave me time and space to speak. Initially without criticism, thankfully.
Good luck, and please let us know how you go. I really do hope your mother's response is as supportive as you deserve.
I know this is an old post and I'll read the out
ReplyDeletecome in a little bit but I do have a comment.
People have told me it's passive aggressive to
write a letter to someone rather than speak to
them face to face. Well if it is then that is just
who I'm going to be for the time being. If I
try to confront something/one without writing it
down first, and even just reading that to the person,
I always forget something very important or I
loose it myself and cry the entire time.
I suggest writing it. For yourself if nothing else.
((hug))