Tuesday, April 20, 2010

What is Going On?

I saw my T today, thank goodness. I feel like my whole world is spinning... We're switching like crazy and I haven't slept for about 2 weeks now if I remember right. I can't remember if I have eaten or not so I end up over-eating or not eating at all, depending on if a split had eaten something or not. I think I would actually care more about all of this if I could think straight, but the fatigue and the switching is preventing me from doing all of that.

T wasn't all that helpful though... She is doing this 40 day cleanse thing and today was day 5 so she wasn't able to think very well, but I think just seeing her today was good for us. We have so many assignments to work on for T this week, I'm not sure when we will be able to do them.

A new split popped up yesterday. Totally bizarre experience though! My sister Ruthie was in the kitchen with me and she said something in Spanish, like "thank you" or something like that. I don't know very much Spanish... I know "hola", "cabasa", "casa", "si", "no" and "buenos diaz" (I don't even know if I spelled any of those right!). But once Ruthie said whatever she said in Spanish, I rambled off a sentence in Spanish like I was fluent in it! And as soon as I said it, I said "what does that mean?" Ruthie gave me the strangest look and then started laughing. That's when I realized that there was a new split.

I'm told though that she isn't new, she was just in a deeper level for a long time. Tayela said she was one of the first splits that I created when I was little. Her name is Quinn. She is very vibrant and full of life and loves to talk. The inside of my head seems to be constantly bubbling with her voice. Good thing she knows English or else I would be going crazy just wondering what the heck she is saying!

During the session today my T realized that the only way I am going to get better physically and mentally is to work with each split individually so they can work through what they hold onto for me. My T says that would take up so much time and it would mean that I won't be out very much. She doesn't like that I won't be out very much because she says we get the most work done when I'm out. She wants to try to figure out a way we can do it co-consciously, but then I brought up the concern about remembering things that I have repressed. It's all a big mess and I'm kind of stressed out about it. I don't want to get really ill from all of their baggage since I'm already sick, but I don't see how else they can work on their stuff unless I'm not out at all.

I have a lot to think about this week and a lot of figuring out to do. Spring is just not a good time of year for me...

I also find myself "faking it" more than usual lately. And by that I mean I act "normal" or even "happy" around other people so they will think that I am okay and have no worries, when I'm really feeling like crap and I just want to hide. I almost can't help it though. It's like my 'automatic pilot' mode that kicks into gear as soon as I walk out of my bedroom or out of my house. I should have done a longer session today with T... Too much to talk about and not enough time.

I should be okay until I see her again next week but sometimes I wish I could just talk to someone besides her during the week. Someone who will just listen to what I'm going through and provide the comfort of support and friendship. My best friend B is usually the one I talk to but she has two kids and one on the way so she isn't always available. My other best friend L doesn't even know I have DID so I can't really talk to her about this stuff. *sigh*

It does feel good to write out my thoughts on here, though. It's just hard sometimes because I feel alone when I don't see the people I am actually talking to.

T also mentioned that she really wants to have a session with my parents - soon. I almost had a full-on panic attack. I really don't want to do it. It would be too much for me to handle. Neither one of them will understand me, no matter if we have a special session or not. I also don't want to tell them about my abuse. I have already tried to and what they know from the little I have told them has done no good. I'm still freaking out about it...


  1. Bee,
    We should most def exchange email addresses and talk during the week. It would be so cool if you wanted to do that.

    email- hopefortrauma@gmail.com

  2. Hope,

    That would be amazing, thank you. My e-mail is thebeehive27@hotmail.com