Saturday, April 24, 2010

Floating Through Reality

I think The People Behind My Eyes put it just right in their blog post today. "...when you’re taxed and feel stretched too thin it only takes one tiny thing to tip you right over into crazy unreasonable." I feel like almost everyone I have come into contact today, I have snapped at them for something. I just need to be alone for a while...but no one seems to understand how badly I need that right now.

These past few days have been total h*ll for me... Luckily I got to stay with my grandparents Wed through last night (Fri). It was a much needed break from my mom. My last post totally threw me for a loop. Who knew I was still mad at my mom for that? Not I.

My sister Renee was being a witch earlier today. She kept trying to tell me that I'm "crazy". Renee, Brooke, Bri and I were all in the kitchen earlier making what we wanted for lunch, and Renee starts singing a song. Some of my splits get really irritated when she sings, and I knew if I didn't say something then one of them would come out and yell at her or something. So I calmly told her, "Renee, can you not sing that song right now?" She instantly started singing another song, so again I said, "Renee, please stop singing that song right now." She looked at me and said, "You just told me twice to stop singing the same song." It was clearly two different songs... The first one was a rock song and the second one was a country song. I pointed this out to her and she said, "Oh, you're just crazy. One of your weird personalities was probably out and it made you crazier." I wanted to smack that girl so hard!

Lately Renee has been giving me so much crap about my personalities. She used to be so supportive and understanding, and now she is treating me like I'm crap. I don't know why she is doing this but I have a feeling it will only get worse. I've even called her out on it and she pretends like I'm crazy and that she's not doing anything. BUT SHE IS doing something! Grrrr.

I created a Twitter page today, if that's what you call it? It is really confusing so hopefully it will get easier...haha.

My mind is so foggy right now. I can't concentrate on anything. I feel like I'm just floating through reality without any real tangible thing to hold me here. It is hard to "see" and hard to feel. I'm in so much physical pain from my illness and so much emotion pain from my mom and past abuse. I feel so alone right now. I hope I can make it to Tuesday. I really need to see and talk to T. The switching is happening so much, especially this past week. I can't remember hardly anything unless it is written down so I can keep going back to it. I wish I could sleep. I don't know how long it has least 2 weeks, maybe 3? I can't keep going on like this. Something needs to change...I just wish I could figure out how to change it.


1 comment:

  1. Hey Bee ~ I've felt like that too...
    Hang in there!