Sunday, April 4, 2010

Random + Easter = Blog Post

I have had so much on my mind today...

My family comes home tonight which means I need to tell my mom that we need to talk. I think I am okay with this. I am planning on talking to her tomorrow, once all my sisters have left for school and my dad has left for work. That way I won't have any interruptions.

My grandma C. has called twice today trying to come over, which is really bad. I am not supposed to be around her anymore, only no one in my family knows that. I don't know how, but I convinced my sister not to answer the phone either time. I guess she called my mom and so my mom called me and told me that my grandma had said: "Just let them know that since they didn't call me back, I didn't get to watch conference. So it's their fault I didn't get that experience. I know they didn't want me there. Tell them I feel rejected." I just shook my head in amazement... One, she could have gone to a friend's house to watch conference. Two, she could have gone to the church building and watched conference. Three, she could have gotten on the internet and watched OR listened to conference. And four, she could have turned on the radio and listened to conference. Therefore it was in NO way our fault that she didn't watch or listen to conference. ("Conference" is in reference to "General Conference" which is two days dedicated to the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints speaking to the members of the church. It happens the first weekend in April and the first weekend in October. It is broadcast world-wide on TV, the internet, the radio, etc.) My grandma just needs to get over herself and realize that I'm not going to put up with her bullying, abuse, and borderline personality. It's too much for me and I don't have to put up with it anymore.

And another thought that keeps coming to my mind is that reality doesn’t seem real to me. It is as though it is a made-up world. It feels like a dream... I don’t really have a job, I don’t really intern, I don’t really go to school. It’s like I’m trapped in someone else's body that lives this life that people claim to be “mine”. I feel like I'm just floating through this so-called "reality" and just waiting for it to end. It's a very strange and almost terrifying feeling, but at the same time I am perfectly okay with it. I'm not sure which scares me more...

So tomorrow I will hopefully be talking to my mom... I just hope the screaming and fighting going on inside my head will have ceased by then. If not, then I may put it off until I can concentrate more fully on what I need and want to say.

I hope everyone had a good Easter.


P.S. I felt the after-shock of the California earthquake today. It was the craziest thing ever! I have never experienced an earthquake and after feeling the after-shock, I never want to experience an earthquake! It was so terrifying to be shaking with no explanation whatsoever! I thought my medication was doing something funky to my brain and body and I almost had a freaking heart-attack! Anyway, just thought I would mention that :)


  1. Bee, it's too bad that your Grandmother is pushing her way into things right now. I hope the talk with your mother goes well, I know it will be difficult for both of you. I'll be thinking of you.

  2. Ivory,

    Thanks so much. Sometimes I really wish I could get away from all of the drama.