When I was younger, I was obsessed with Tetherball. You know, the ball that is tethered to a pole that is in the ground? You play against one other person and both of you try to be the first one to get the ball wrapped around the pole in your favor - meaning you win the game. I was a master at this game. No one ever beat me - no one could. All the other kids would challenge me but I always won. All the teachers challenged me but I always won. You're probably thinking, "Oh, they just went easy on you Bee!" Not so. They went easy at first until they saw how good I was, and then they put all they had into the game. But they still lost.
For years, I would practice tetherball every day after school, on weekends, on holidays, on school breaks, at night, before school. Pretty much every waking moment I wasn't required to be somewhere else or be doing something else. But I hardly ever practiced with someone else. I would play with one of my splits - whoever wanted to at the time. I would play and then we would switch and they would play and then I would switch and I would play, etc. At the time, I didn't know what I was doing - switching with my splits. I just thought it was a game that I had come up with.
On vacations I wouldn't have access to a tetherball so I would make them. I would use a long stick and bring a ball tied to a string. In my room I had a four-poster twin bed and I would unscrew one of the bed poles and tie my string with a ball on the end to the other bed pole and practice in my room. I was obsessed.
Why am I telling you this? I'm not exactly sure... I just felt like I needed to.
I think this was one of the ways I survived when I was younger. I wasn't a very social child because I was so broken and afraid. I preferred to play alone, to be alone. I used my imagination to create other worlds and other people who loved me, accepted me, and who didn't hurt me. Must be why I am writing so many books at the moment...Gotta catch up in writing what I've already thought of!
Ahhh...anyway. Today has been a little better. I love the new girl at work. She is SO much better than the gal she replaced.
Still worried about the "integrating at night" thing. I really need to e-mail my T about it...
-Bee*
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Still Thinking...
I am still really struggling with what my T suggested I do at night - the "integrating to sleep" thing... I appreciate the comments and the e-mails I have gotten in response to my last post. I still have not tried it and I don't think I'm going to. I have talked to some of my main splits about it and they definitely do not think it is a good idea. Especially because of some of the things a few of the splits are going through right now. It would not be good to meld together at night. And after Tempy's comment on my last post, I don't even think a temporary integration would be possible.
All day I have also been thinking about how "weak" I am sometimes. I always let people have their way. I don't argue with people. If someone has a very different opinion than mine, I find myself nodding in agreement with them and not expressing my own views. I don't know why I do this... Sometimes it really bothers me that I can't speak up for myself. I guess I just don't want to make anyone else feel bad or embarrassed.
I find myself doing this in my sessions with my T. When she says things, I just nod and go along with them. I rarely go against what she is saying, even when I know she is a little off or maybe totally wrong altogether. It really bugs me. And this last session, I wish I could have been more persistent in letting her know how much this "integrating at night" thing really bothers me - it freaks me out!
I keep going to write her an e-mail about how I feel, but I keep deleting it. I don't know what my problem is. I know she won't be mad at me or hate me for writing her how I feel. She would actually be really glad that I am expressing how I truly feel. But I just can't bring myself to write it out and send it.
Ahhhh I feel so stressed out right now over this "integrating at night" issue. It just seems so wrong... I don't know why but it does.
Maybe I should go watch some TV or a movie to get my mind off things...
-Bee*
All day I have also been thinking about how "weak" I am sometimes. I always let people have their way. I don't argue with people. If someone has a very different opinion than mine, I find myself nodding in agreement with them and not expressing my own views. I don't know why I do this... Sometimes it really bothers me that I can't speak up for myself. I guess I just don't want to make anyone else feel bad or embarrassed.
I find myself doing this in my sessions with my T. When she says things, I just nod and go along with them. I rarely go against what she is saying, even when I know she is a little off or maybe totally wrong altogether. It really bugs me. And this last session, I wish I could have been more persistent in letting her know how much this "integrating at night" thing really bothers me - it freaks me out!
I keep going to write her an e-mail about how I feel, but I keep deleting it. I don't know what my problem is. I know she won't be mad at me or hate me for writing her how I feel. She would actually be really glad that I am expressing how I truly feel. But I just can't bring myself to write it out and send it.
Ahhhh I feel so stressed out right now over this "integrating at night" issue. It just seems so wrong... I don't know why but it does.
Maybe I should go watch some TV or a movie to get my mind off things...
-Bee*
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Integrating At Night...?
I really need some opinions about this...
I felt like I was being attacked in therapy today, but not in a bad way. Usually when I feel like that, it means we're getting to the "bottom" or the "root" of a problem and I'm being "called out" on it - which I don't like. I don't think anybody really does. We talked a lot about boundaries in general, but especially my boundaries with my mom and Grandma C. We worked on how I should set up my boundaries with them. I felt so small...
We talked a little bit about my mom and my post from last Wednesday. She said a lot of it has to do with boundaries. She pointed out that I had hardly any boundaries with my mom on that trip. I think that is because I didn't know I could. I guess on that trip I felt like my mom had a right to know, just because she was my mom. But now that I look back on it, if I don't want her to know something about me then I can say it's none of her business. Last year, I didn't know I had that kind of power.
So now I have this new sense of safety. If my mom starts questioning me now, I can just say "it's none of your business". I don't have to explain myself. I don't have to feel like a victim. I don't have to tell my mom anything I don't want to. I can feel safe. I can feel in control. It's a really good feeling.
My T also talked to me about setting boundaries with Grandma C. Whenever she says something that is totally out of line, I can say to her "Grandma, that was uncalled for" or "Grandma, that was out of line" or "Grandma, it is none of your business" or "Grandma, please don't talk to me like that or say those things to me" ... etc. I don't feel as comfortable telling it to my Grandma C, but I still have something to say when she does talk to me.
My T kept telling me all throughout the session "the possibilities are endless". She told me that anything was possible for me. She suggested that I make a list of all of my dreams. A bucket-list, if you will. I thought it was a good thing for me to start working on. I need to be looking forward to more things in my life.
It reminds me of something she told me about 4 years ago during a session: "If it is important to you, you will make it happen." I have never forgotten that quote. It lets me know that there is always hope - that there is always something I can do to make my life better.
This session today was really hard for me. We were switching like crazy, so T kept having to re-explain things to me or re-tell me things. It was very frustrating on my end, just because I couldn't stay out long enough to really grasp most of what we were talking about.
My T also brought up my sleep issue. I haven't slept in like 3 weeks, I think she said. She wants us to try something new - and quite honestly, I think it is near impossible in my situation. Tell me what you think...
My T wants us to try integrating, ONLY AT NIGHT. She wants everyone to meld together as one person and then we go to sleep. When we wake up, we separate again. She wants to see if this type of integration would help with my sleeping problems. If it does, she thinks it will be answer to all of us multiple's out there who have difficulty with sleeping.
Now, this is why I think this will be nearly impossible, if not entirely impossible. I have a few of my splits that are terrified of the word "integration" or "melding together". Upon hearing that word they go ballistic, pretty much like it is the end of the world. I just don't see any way they would agree to being integrated or "melded together" just at night.
Also, we have kind of tried this in the past. When we integrate before everyone is ready to be integrated, it is hell. Everyone's emotions, feelings, past abuse, pain, etc all gets jumbled up together and it creates mass chaos and anxiety levels go up for everyone. We end up having horrific nightmares and all kinds of problems. So this is why I do not think that "integrating just for sleeping" is a good idea.
I tried to tell my T this, but she is convinced that I haven't tried this before. She thinks it is a completely new thing and that we must try just in case it is the "cure" for my sleep issues. After I halfheartedly fought her on this, I gave up. I will try it just so I can say I have, and then move on.
I am afraid to try it though... I just cannot see how this may be positive - except for the fact that "it could cure all multiples" according to my T.
What do you guys think about "integrating just at night" for better sleeping outcomes?
-Bee*
I felt like I was being attacked in therapy today, but not in a bad way. Usually when I feel like that, it means we're getting to the "bottom" or the "root" of a problem and I'm being "called out" on it - which I don't like. I don't think anybody really does. We talked a lot about boundaries in general, but especially my boundaries with my mom and Grandma C. We worked on how I should set up my boundaries with them. I felt so small...
We talked a little bit about my mom and my post from last Wednesday. She said a lot of it has to do with boundaries. She pointed out that I had hardly any boundaries with my mom on that trip. I think that is because I didn't know I could. I guess on that trip I felt like my mom had a right to know, just because she was my mom. But now that I look back on it, if I don't want her to know something about me then I can say it's none of her business. Last year, I didn't know I had that kind of power.
So now I have this new sense of safety. If my mom starts questioning me now, I can just say "it's none of your business". I don't have to explain myself. I don't have to feel like a victim. I don't have to tell my mom anything I don't want to. I can feel safe. I can feel in control. It's a really good feeling.
My T also talked to me about setting boundaries with Grandma C. Whenever she says something that is totally out of line, I can say to her "Grandma, that was uncalled for" or "Grandma, that was out of line" or "Grandma, it is none of your business" or "Grandma, please don't talk to me like that or say those things to me" ... etc. I don't feel as comfortable telling it to my Grandma C, but I still have something to say when she does talk to me.
My T kept telling me all throughout the session "the possibilities are endless". She told me that anything was possible for me. She suggested that I make a list of all of my dreams. A bucket-list, if you will. I thought it was a good thing for me to start working on. I need to be looking forward to more things in my life.
It reminds me of something she told me about 4 years ago during a session: "If it is important to you, you will make it happen." I have never forgotten that quote. It lets me know that there is always hope - that there is always something I can do to make my life better.
This session today was really hard for me. We were switching like crazy, so T kept having to re-explain things to me or re-tell me things. It was very frustrating on my end, just because I couldn't stay out long enough to really grasp most of what we were talking about.
My T also brought up my sleep issue. I haven't slept in like 3 weeks, I think she said. She wants us to try something new - and quite honestly, I think it is near impossible in my situation. Tell me what you think...
My T wants us to try integrating, ONLY AT NIGHT. She wants everyone to meld together as one person and then we go to sleep. When we wake up, we separate again. She wants to see if this type of integration would help with my sleeping problems. If it does, she thinks it will be answer to all of us multiple's out there who have difficulty with sleeping.
Now, this is why I think this will be nearly impossible, if not entirely impossible. I have a few of my splits that are terrified of the word "integration" or "melding together". Upon hearing that word they go ballistic, pretty much like it is the end of the world. I just don't see any way they would agree to being integrated or "melded together" just at night.
Also, we have kind of tried this in the past. When we integrate before everyone is ready to be integrated, it is hell. Everyone's emotions, feelings, past abuse, pain, etc all gets jumbled up together and it creates mass chaos and anxiety levels go up for everyone. We end up having horrific nightmares and all kinds of problems. So this is why I do not think that "integrating just for sleeping" is a good idea.
I tried to tell my T this, but she is convinced that I haven't tried this before. She thinks it is a completely new thing and that we must try just in case it is the "cure" for my sleep issues. After I halfheartedly fought her on this, I gave up. I will try it just so I can say I have, and then move on.
I am afraid to try it though... I just cannot see how this may be positive - except for the fact that "it could cure all multiples" according to my T.
What do you guys think about "integrating just at night" for better sleeping outcomes?
-Bee*
Monday, April 26, 2010
Tomorrow Has Finally Come
This week has been....I don't even know. It has never taken a week this long to pass. I just have to hold on a little bit longer until I see T in the morning. Oh we will have so much to talk about...I just hope I don't freeze and forget what I want to say.
Today went okay. I was really spacey and we're still switching like crazy. And I still haven't been able to sleep so that isn't good.
Interning was strange...I think I lost a lot of time today while I was there because I didn't follow anything that was going on. I kind of just let the splits do their thing and it went well, considering.
My night classes seemed to drag on forever. I'm so glad next Monday is my last day in both of them!
Only five more classes and then the semester is OVER!
Well I'm gonna call it a day I suppose. I hope you all are doing well.
-Bee*
Today went okay. I was really spacey and we're still switching like crazy. And I still haven't been able to sleep so that isn't good.
Interning was strange...I think I lost a lot of time today while I was there because I didn't follow anything that was going on. I kind of just let the splits do their thing and it went well, considering.
My night classes seemed to drag on forever. I'm so glad next Monday is my last day in both of them!
Only five more classes and then the semester is OVER!
Well I'm gonna call it a day I suppose. I hope you all are doing well.
-Bee*
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Waiting for "That Day"
So I wrote a post earlier that was like this "break-through revelation" and I saved it to come back to it later and...it's not here. It is not in my drafts, not with my other posts, not in any of my splits blogs drafts. It is no where to be found. So I am stuck with posting this because there is no way that I will be able to duplicate it...
Today was better than yesterday but I'm still not doing so good. I keep hoping for things to get better, for my health to suddenly be good, for my splits to all be getting along, and to be able to focus and be as "normal" as possible. But I am stuck in this place where my health isn't so good, my splits are not doing so great, I cannot focus to save my life, and my family is driving me to the point of insane. Sometimes I just really wish for that day where everything will just work out. A day where I don't have any body memories or triggers or memory loss or excruciating pain. A day where my family supports me and accepts me for who I am. Is it bad to wish for such a day? Is it crazy or unrealistic?
I find myself still hoping for such a day. For "that day".
-Bee*
Today was better than yesterday but I'm still not doing so good. I keep hoping for things to get better, for my health to suddenly be good, for my splits to all be getting along, and to be able to focus and be as "normal" as possible. But I am stuck in this place where my health isn't so good, my splits are not doing so great, I cannot focus to save my life, and my family is driving me to the point of insane. Sometimes I just really wish for that day where everything will just work out. A day where I don't have any body memories or triggers or memory loss or excruciating pain. A day where my family supports me and accepts me for who I am. Is it bad to wish for such a day? Is it crazy or unrealistic?
I find myself still hoping for such a day. For "that day".
-Bee*
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Floating Through Reality
I think The People Behind My Eyes put it just right in their blog post today. "...when you’re taxed and feel stretched too thin it only takes one tiny thing to tip you right over into crazy unreasonable." I feel like almost everyone I have come into contact today, I have snapped at them for something. I just need to be alone for a while...but no one seems to understand how badly I need that right now.
These past few days have been total h*ll for me... Luckily I got to stay with my grandparents Wed through last night (Fri). It was a much needed break from my mom. My last post totally threw me for a loop. Who knew I was still mad at my mom for that? Not I.
My sister Renee was being a witch earlier today. She kept trying to tell me that I'm "crazy". Renee, Brooke, Bri and I were all in the kitchen earlier making what we wanted for lunch, and Renee starts singing a song. Some of my splits get really irritated when she sings, and I knew if I didn't say something then one of them would come out and yell at her or something. So I calmly told her, "Renee, can you not sing that song right now?" She instantly started singing another song, so again I said, "Renee, please stop singing that song right now." She looked at me and said, "You just told me twice to stop singing the same song." It was clearly two different songs... The first one was a rock song and the second one was a country song. I pointed this out to her and she said, "Oh, you're just crazy. One of your weird personalities was probably out and it made you crazier." I wanted to smack that girl so hard!
Lately Renee has been giving me so much crap about my personalities. She used to be so supportive and understanding, and now she is treating me like I'm crap. I don't know why she is doing this but I have a feeling it will only get worse. I've even called her out on it and she pretends like I'm crazy and that she's not doing anything. BUT SHE IS doing something! Grrrr.
I created a Twitter page today, if that's what you call it? It is really confusing so hopefully it will get easier...haha.
My mind is so foggy right now. I can't concentrate on anything. I feel like I'm just floating through reality without any real tangible thing to hold me here. It is hard to "see" and hard to feel. I'm in so much physical pain from my illness and so much emotion pain from my mom and past abuse. I feel so alone right now. I hope I can make it to Tuesday. I really need to see and talk to T. The switching is happening so much, especially this past week. I can't remember hardly anything unless it is written down so I can keep going back to it. I wish I could sleep. I don't know how long it has been...at least 2 weeks, maybe 3? I can't keep going on like this. Something needs to change...I just wish I could figure out how to change it.
-Bee*
These past few days have been total h*ll for me... Luckily I got to stay with my grandparents Wed through last night (Fri). It was a much needed break from my mom. My last post totally threw me for a loop. Who knew I was still mad at my mom for that? Not I.
My sister Renee was being a witch earlier today. She kept trying to tell me that I'm "crazy". Renee, Brooke, Bri and I were all in the kitchen earlier making what we wanted for lunch, and Renee starts singing a song. Some of my splits get really irritated when she sings, and I knew if I didn't say something then one of them would come out and yell at her or something. So I calmly told her, "Renee, can you not sing that song right now?" She instantly started singing another song, so again I said, "Renee, please stop singing that song right now." She looked at me and said, "You just told me twice to stop singing the same song." It was clearly two different songs... The first one was a rock song and the second one was a country song. I pointed this out to her and she said, "Oh, you're just crazy. One of your weird personalities was probably out and it made you crazier." I wanted to smack that girl so hard!
Lately Renee has been giving me so much crap about my personalities. She used to be so supportive and understanding, and now she is treating me like I'm crap. I don't know why she is doing this but I have a feeling it will only get worse. I've even called her out on it and she pretends like I'm crazy and that she's not doing anything. BUT SHE IS doing something! Grrrr.
I created a Twitter page today, if that's what you call it? It is really confusing so hopefully it will get easier...haha.
My mind is so foggy right now. I can't concentrate on anything. I feel like I'm just floating through reality without any real tangible thing to hold me here. It is hard to "see" and hard to feel. I'm in so much physical pain from my illness and so much emotion pain from my mom and past abuse. I feel so alone right now. I hope I can make it to Tuesday. I really need to see and talk to T. The switching is happening so much, especially this past week. I can't remember hardly anything unless it is written down so I can keep going back to it. I wish I could sleep. I don't know how long it has been...at least 2 weeks, maybe 3? I can't keep going on like this. Something needs to change...I just wish I could figure out how to change it.
-Bee*
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Trapped; Alone; Forgotten
Today has been really rough for me. I have been dissociating so badly that I cried two different times today. For those of you who know me, I never cry. I have not felt this out of control in a very long time.
I have also been haunted with the memory of a trip I took with my mom and my sister Renee last year at the end of April. Renee was playing club volleyball and they had a big tournament in California. My mom really wanted to go but she didn't want to drive all the way there by herself, so she asked me to accompany her. At the time, I was done with my classes on Thursday morning, so we had decided to leave right after I got home from class.
I was so excited to go to California. I hadn't been on a trip in a while (at the time) because I had been so sick. At the time, I was on a strict liquid and smoothie diet because my body could not handle solid foods. I couldn't do any physical activity because I could pass out and possible go into a coma - not good. My mom also had gotten tickets for the three of us to go to Knotts Berry Farm after the last game on Sunday morning. I had never been to Knotts Berry Farm and I LOVE LOVE LOVE roller coasters. I guess "excited" isn't a big enough word to describe what I felt.
All of my friends knew I was going and how excited I was. I talked about it for weeks before and everyone was so happy for me.
The big day came to leave for CA. We packed the car and started the drive.
Not even ten minutes had gone by when my mom said, "Why do you have multiple personalities? You were only molested a little bit like once."
I felt like she had hit me with her SUV. I sat there in stunned silence.
Memories flooded me with all of the abuse that I had remembered up to that point in time. I felt trapped and helpless. My sister was in the van with her team, which left me alone in this horrible situation.
My mom continued to nag me and question me, leaving me to defend everything I was saying. Every question had an accusation tied to it. Every word had a bitter taste. I wanted to fling myself out the car door onto the highway.
After three hours of torture, we finally pulled off to get some lunch and gas for the car. As soon as the car stopped I made a run for the bathroom. I did not want to leave that smelly, tiny cramped space. But I was sure that my mom would notice if I never left.
I collected myself and went out to join her for lunch. I sipped my Apple Juice quietly while she STILL continued to question me, right there in the fast food restaurant!
We continued our journey to CA. She then started to question about which split was out when during my high school years. "Which one didn't like to do family things? Which one always lied? Which one said *this*? Which one did *this*? Which one was depressed? Which one was suicidal? Which one was friends with so and so?" On and on and on. My response became "I don't know" or "I don't remember". The sad thing was, after all the questions about which one was this or that, half of them had been me. I felt like she blamed my splits for all the "bad things" she didn't like about me. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that some of those times it was me. I felt completely horrible.
When those questions were exhausted, she began naming every male relative and every male acquaintance who could have hurt me/abused me. "What about *this person*? Did he hurt you? Did he do something to you? Did you tell someone he was doing it? Why didn't you tell someone? Didn't you know it was wrong? Did he threaten you?" On and on and on. I gave her the least bit of information I could. And then after all this, she had the nerve to ask... "Are you sure you didn't make this all up?"
ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?!?!
I wanted to scream. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted so badly to get out of the horrible situation I was put into. I HATED THIS.
I couldn't even speak I was so upset and appalled and offended. How could a 3 year old make something up like that? How could any 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 year old make up that kind of stuff? I remember sitting next to my grandmother when I was 2 years old, TWO YEARS OLD. She was reading to me and I saw something in the book that made me think of the man who was hurting me at the time, but I didn't know how to say it. I didn't know how to say what I was feeling so I just started crying. I cried for a long time and my grandmother just held me.
I said to my mom, "Why would you say something like that?"
Her reply, "Well, did you make it up?"
She wonders why we have such a crappy relationship. The main reason, I feel like she doesn't trust me and I feel like she thinks I made up all of my abuse, my DID, my depression, my suicidal problems, my pain, etc.
Six hours later, we were finally in CA but not close to our destination. I was exhausted, extremely upset, and very numb. We pulled up to the gas station on the border next to the van my sister was in. I jumped out and ran to the van and grabbed my sister.
"She is questioning me to NO END," I whispered in her ear. Her eyes went big and she said "Oh my gosh, really?" She gave me a hug and told me she was so so sorry. I wish I could have drug her back to the car with me for some kind of buffer, but she couldn't. Her coach said she had to ride with the team. She apologized profusely, gave me another hug, and climbed back into the van. I slowly sauntered back to the car.
The next questioning session began. She somehow managed to figure out most of my abusers from the previous list of males she had come up with. She then came to the conclusion that, "Okay, so it was all of dad's side of the family or friends from dad's side of the family. So my family is the good side, right?" This time I glared at her. I did not answer the question. I may not get along with my dad, but I didn't find this accusation to be fair to him. It is not his fault that his family is so messed up and that my mom's family is not as messed up.
It started to get dark outside, which made the inside of the car dark enough for me to silently cry. After bottling up all of these feelings and emotions, I had to release them before I did something I would regret. But unfortunately the darkness did not stop her questioning.
Mom: "Why didn't you ever tell me what was going on?"
Me: "I did, mom, more than once."
Mom: "When?"
Me: "When I was 7, *he* was molesting me in the family room and I heard you come into the kitchen. I ran to you and I told you he was touching me and I didn't like it. And then you laughed at me."
Mom: "I don't remember that."
Of course you didn't... How convenient for you.
Me: "I also told you when *he 2* was living with us. I told you I didn't want him there and I didn't want him to babysit us when you and dad would leave. I begged you several times."
Mom: "Did you tell me what he was doing to you?"
Me: "He threatened me mom. Of course I couldn't tell you. I thought by telling you I didn't want him there anymore that you would listen to me."
Mom: "I don't remember that."
I didn't voice that I had given up telling her after that. My 9 year old self could not get through to anyone. My mom was not the only person I tried to tell. I also tried to tell my best friend at the time, who said I was crazy because he was so nice to all of the kids. I also tried to tell my teacher who said I was lying to get attention. I also tried to tell my aunt who pretty much ignored me after that. I tried to tell my mom so many times from when I was about 7 to when I was almost 10, and each time she either dismissed it like it was nothing, or she would laugh it off. I gave up after that. If nobody cared then I must not be worth anything.
Finally, we sat in silence for about a half an hour. All I could think about was how would I survive with my mom for a whole weekend, just the two of us. My sister would have to stay with her team the whole time until the end of their last game. I didn't know what to do. I felt so trapped and so alone. Nobody could help me. It was like I was a little kid again - trapped and alone with no where to turn.
The rest of the weekend continued to be my mom demanding me to tell her things, questioning me to death, and accusing me of making it all up. I cried myself to sleep every single night.
And she wonders why we have such a crappy relationship right now.
At the time I didn't know how to set boundaries. I was just barely starting to "walk on my own two feet" again, so to speak. Sometimes I wonder how different that trip could have been if I had known how to set those boundaries.
I had never been so happy to see Renee after her game on Sunday morning. I literally stayed by her side the entire day at Knotts Berry Farm. I tried my hardest not to talk to my mom and focused on trying to have fun. Those roller coasters were like much needed drugs. I finally felt free for those few seconds on each ride. At closing, we left and went back to the hotel. Early Monday morning, we headed back home.
With my sister in the car, my mom didn't dare ask me anymore questions. I still felt completely horrible and I cried most of the way home. I had never cried so much at any point in my life until that weekend.
And then when we got home, my mom had the nerve to ask, "So did you have fun?"
She asked me that at least 15 more times after that. And each time, I lied and said "Yes."
Ever since that California trip with my mom, our relationship has been really bad. I know I still blame her for that weekend. I thought I worked through all of it but clearly from writing this post I have not forgiven her. No wonder I snap at her every time she comes near me. She acts like nothing is wrong - that she did nothing wrong.
But she did. She did do something wrong. A mom should not treat her daughter like she is a liar. A mom should stick by her daughter. A mom should defend her daughter. A mom should stick up for her daughter. But instead she accused me of lying, of making it all up. How am I supposed to forgive her for that?
And now my T wants me to talk to my mom about boundaries, about our relationship, about where we are at right now. And I can't do that. It's too much for me. I don't want my mom to do those things to me again, to say those awful things. I'm afraid of her and I shouldn't be. I feel so betrayed and worthless when I am around her, and I don't want to.
I talked to my mom shortly after this trip - about how she made me feel and about how much I hated the trip. She apologized and said she didn't mean to hurt me, but it didn't feel like she really meant it. It sounded like she was just saying it to dismiss me. But I was too torn up at the time to fight it, so I let it go.
Apparently, it is still haunting me.
I don't know why I suddenly started thinking about this trip today. I've only told my sister Bri about it in this much detail. I told most of my friends that I had had a blast on the trip, and I have never felt so horrible about lying.
The sad thing is, after writing it all out, I still feel absolutely horrible. I just wish I could make things right with my mom. I wish we could be friends like we used to be when I was younger. I wish my mom would try to understand me, my pain, my splits, my abuse, my suffering, my everything - but she won't. She wants me to be "normal" so badly that she is willing to make me miserable until I act the way she wants me to.
I don't want to act "normal" anymore. I don't want to be the perfect daughter that I'm clearly not. I want her to see me for who I am.
Is that too much to ask?
-Bee*
P.S. I'm sorry for this ridiculously long post, but I really needed to share this with someone else. I hope this explains why I have such a hard time with my mom...
I have also been haunted with the memory of a trip I took with my mom and my sister Renee last year at the end of April. Renee was playing club volleyball and they had a big tournament in California. My mom really wanted to go but she didn't want to drive all the way there by herself, so she asked me to accompany her. At the time, I was done with my classes on Thursday morning, so we had decided to leave right after I got home from class.
I was so excited to go to California. I hadn't been on a trip in a while (at the time) because I had been so sick. At the time, I was on a strict liquid and smoothie diet because my body could not handle solid foods. I couldn't do any physical activity because I could pass out and possible go into a coma - not good. My mom also had gotten tickets for the three of us to go to Knotts Berry Farm after the last game on Sunday morning. I had never been to Knotts Berry Farm and I LOVE LOVE LOVE roller coasters. I guess "excited" isn't a big enough word to describe what I felt.
All of my friends knew I was going and how excited I was. I talked about it for weeks before and everyone was so happy for me.
The big day came to leave for CA. We packed the car and started the drive.
Not even ten minutes had gone by when my mom said, "Why do you have multiple personalities? You were only molested a little bit like once."
I felt like she had hit me with her SUV. I sat there in stunned silence.
Memories flooded me with all of the abuse that I had remembered up to that point in time. I felt trapped and helpless. My sister was in the van with her team, which left me alone in this horrible situation.
My mom continued to nag me and question me, leaving me to defend everything I was saying. Every question had an accusation tied to it. Every word had a bitter taste. I wanted to fling myself out the car door onto the highway.
After three hours of torture, we finally pulled off to get some lunch and gas for the car. As soon as the car stopped I made a run for the bathroom. I did not want to leave that smelly, tiny cramped space. But I was sure that my mom would notice if I never left.
I collected myself and went out to join her for lunch. I sipped my Apple Juice quietly while she STILL continued to question me, right there in the fast food restaurant!
We continued our journey to CA. She then started to question about which split was out when during my high school years. "Which one didn't like to do family things? Which one always lied? Which one said *this*? Which one did *this*? Which one was depressed? Which one was suicidal? Which one was friends with so and so?" On and on and on. My response became "I don't know" or "I don't remember". The sad thing was, after all the questions about which one was this or that, half of them had been me. I felt like she blamed my splits for all the "bad things" she didn't like about me. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that some of those times it was me. I felt completely horrible.
When those questions were exhausted, she began naming every male relative and every male acquaintance who could have hurt me/abused me. "What about *this person*? Did he hurt you? Did he do something to you? Did you tell someone he was doing it? Why didn't you tell someone? Didn't you know it was wrong? Did he threaten you?" On and on and on. I gave her the least bit of information I could. And then after all this, she had the nerve to ask... "Are you sure you didn't make this all up?"
ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?!?!
I wanted to scream. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted so badly to get out of the horrible situation I was put into. I HATED THIS.
I couldn't even speak I was so upset and appalled and offended. How could a 3 year old make something up like that? How could any 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 year old make up that kind of stuff? I remember sitting next to my grandmother when I was 2 years old, TWO YEARS OLD. She was reading to me and I saw something in the book that made me think of the man who was hurting me at the time, but I didn't know how to say it. I didn't know how to say what I was feeling so I just started crying. I cried for a long time and my grandmother just held me.
I said to my mom, "Why would you say something like that?"
Her reply, "Well, did you make it up?"
She wonders why we have such a crappy relationship. The main reason, I feel like she doesn't trust me and I feel like she thinks I made up all of my abuse, my DID, my depression, my suicidal problems, my pain, etc.
Six hours later, we were finally in CA but not close to our destination. I was exhausted, extremely upset, and very numb. We pulled up to the gas station on the border next to the van my sister was in. I jumped out and ran to the van and grabbed my sister.
"She is questioning me to NO END," I whispered in her ear. Her eyes went big and she said "Oh my gosh, really?" She gave me a hug and told me she was so so sorry. I wish I could have drug her back to the car with me for some kind of buffer, but she couldn't. Her coach said she had to ride with the team. She apologized profusely, gave me another hug, and climbed back into the van. I slowly sauntered back to the car.
The next questioning session began. She somehow managed to figure out most of my abusers from the previous list of males she had come up with. She then came to the conclusion that, "Okay, so it was all of dad's side of the family or friends from dad's side of the family. So my family is the good side, right?" This time I glared at her. I did not answer the question. I may not get along with my dad, but I didn't find this accusation to be fair to him. It is not his fault that his family is so messed up and that my mom's family is not as messed up.
It started to get dark outside, which made the inside of the car dark enough for me to silently cry. After bottling up all of these feelings and emotions, I had to release them before I did something I would regret. But unfortunately the darkness did not stop her questioning.
Mom: "Why didn't you ever tell me what was going on?"
Me: "I did, mom, more than once."
Mom: "When?"
Me: "When I was 7, *he* was molesting me in the family room and I heard you come into the kitchen. I ran to you and I told you he was touching me and I didn't like it. And then you laughed at me."
Mom: "I don't remember that."
Of course you didn't... How convenient for you.
Me: "I also told you when *he 2* was living with us. I told you I didn't want him there and I didn't want him to babysit us when you and dad would leave. I begged you several times."
Mom: "Did you tell me what he was doing to you?"
Me: "He threatened me mom. Of course I couldn't tell you. I thought by telling you I didn't want him there anymore that you would listen to me."
Mom: "I don't remember that."
I didn't voice that I had given up telling her after that. My 9 year old self could not get through to anyone. My mom was not the only person I tried to tell. I also tried to tell my best friend at the time, who said I was crazy because he was so nice to all of the kids. I also tried to tell my teacher who said I was lying to get attention. I also tried to tell my aunt who pretty much ignored me after that. I tried to tell my mom so many times from when I was about 7 to when I was almost 10, and each time she either dismissed it like it was nothing, or she would laugh it off. I gave up after that. If nobody cared then I must not be worth anything.
Finally, we sat in silence for about a half an hour. All I could think about was how would I survive with my mom for a whole weekend, just the two of us. My sister would have to stay with her team the whole time until the end of their last game. I didn't know what to do. I felt so trapped and so alone. Nobody could help me. It was like I was a little kid again - trapped and alone with no where to turn.
The rest of the weekend continued to be my mom demanding me to tell her things, questioning me to death, and accusing me of making it all up. I cried myself to sleep every single night.
And she wonders why we have such a crappy relationship right now.
At the time I didn't know how to set boundaries. I was just barely starting to "walk on my own two feet" again, so to speak. Sometimes I wonder how different that trip could have been if I had known how to set those boundaries.
I had never been so happy to see Renee after her game on Sunday morning. I literally stayed by her side the entire day at Knotts Berry Farm. I tried my hardest not to talk to my mom and focused on trying to have fun. Those roller coasters were like much needed drugs. I finally felt free for those few seconds on each ride. At closing, we left and went back to the hotel. Early Monday morning, we headed back home.
With my sister in the car, my mom didn't dare ask me anymore questions. I still felt completely horrible and I cried most of the way home. I had never cried so much at any point in my life until that weekend.
And then when we got home, my mom had the nerve to ask, "So did you have fun?"
She asked me that at least 15 more times after that. And each time, I lied and said "Yes."
Ever since that California trip with my mom, our relationship has been really bad. I know I still blame her for that weekend. I thought I worked through all of it but clearly from writing this post I have not forgiven her. No wonder I snap at her every time she comes near me. She acts like nothing is wrong - that she did nothing wrong.
But she did. She did do something wrong. A mom should not treat her daughter like she is a liar. A mom should stick by her daughter. A mom should defend her daughter. A mom should stick up for her daughter. But instead she accused me of lying, of making it all up. How am I supposed to forgive her for that?
And now my T wants me to talk to my mom about boundaries, about our relationship, about where we are at right now. And I can't do that. It's too much for me. I don't want my mom to do those things to me again, to say those awful things. I'm afraid of her and I shouldn't be. I feel so betrayed and worthless when I am around her, and I don't want to.
I talked to my mom shortly after this trip - about how she made me feel and about how much I hated the trip. She apologized and said she didn't mean to hurt me, but it didn't feel like she really meant it. It sounded like she was just saying it to dismiss me. But I was too torn up at the time to fight it, so I let it go.
Apparently, it is still haunting me.
I don't know why I suddenly started thinking about this trip today. I've only told my sister Bri about it in this much detail. I told most of my friends that I had had a blast on the trip, and I have never felt so horrible about lying.
The sad thing is, after writing it all out, I still feel absolutely horrible. I just wish I could make things right with my mom. I wish we could be friends like we used to be when I was younger. I wish my mom would try to understand me, my pain, my splits, my abuse, my suffering, my everything - but she won't. She wants me to be "normal" so badly that she is willing to make me miserable until I act the way she wants me to.
I don't want to act "normal" anymore. I don't want to be the perfect daughter that I'm clearly not. I want her to see me for who I am.
Is that too much to ask?
-Bee*
P.S. I'm sorry for this ridiculously long post, but I really needed to share this with someone else. I hope this explains why I have such a hard time with my mom...
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
What is Going On?
I saw my T today, thank goodness. I feel like my whole world is spinning... We're switching like crazy and I haven't slept for about 2 weeks now if I remember right. I can't remember if I have eaten or not so I end up over-eating or not eating at all, depending on if a split had eaten something or not. I think I would actually care more about all of this if I could think straight, but the fatigue and the switching is preventing me from doing all of that.
T wasn't all that helpful though... She is doing this 40 day cleanse thing and today was day 5 so she wasn't able to think very well, but I think just seeing her today was good for us. We have so many assignments to work on for T this week, I'm not sure when we will be able to do them.
A new split popped up yesterday. Totally bizarre experience though! My sister Ruthie was in the kitchen with me and she said something in Spanish, like "thank you" or something like that. I don't know very much Spanish... I know "hola", "cabasa", "casa", "si", "no" and "buenos diaz" (I don't even know if I spelled any of those right!). But once Ruthie said whatever she said in Spanish, I rambled off a sentence in Spanish like I was fluent in it! And as soon as I said it, I said "what does that mean?" Ruthie gave me the strangest look and then started laughing. That's when I realized that there was a new split.
I'm told though that she isn't new, she was just in a deeper level for a long time. Tayela said she was one of the first splits that I created when I was little. Her name is Quinn. She is very vibrant and full of life and loves to talk. The inside of my head seems to be constantly bubbling with her voice. Good thing she knows English or else I would be going crazy just wondering what the heck she is saying!
During the session today my T realized that the only way I am going to get better physically and mentally is to work with each split individually so they can work through what they hold onto for me. My T says that would take up so much time and it would mean that I won't be out very much. She doesn't like that I won't be out very much because she says we get the most work done when I'm out. She wants to try to figure out a way we can do it co-consciously, but then I brought up the concern about remembering things that I have repressed. It's all a big mess and I'm kind of stressed out about it. I don't want to get really ill from all of their baggage since I'm already sick, but I don't see how else they can work on their stuff unless I'm not out at all.
I have a lot to think about this week and a lot of figuring out to do. Spring is just not a good time of year for me...
I also find myself "faking it" more than usual lately. And by that I mean I act "normal" or even "happy" around other people so they will think that I am okay and have no worries, when I'm really feeling like crap and I just want to hide. I almost can't help it though. It's like my 'automatic pilot' mode that kicks into gear as soon as I walk out of my bedroom or out of my house. I should have done a longer session today with T... Too much to talk about and not enough time.
I should be okay until I see her again next week but sometimes I wish I could just talk to someone besides her during the week. Someone who will just listen to what I'm going through and provide the comfort of support and friendship. My best friend B is usually the one I talk to but she has two kids and one on the way so she isn't always available. My other best friend L doesn't even know I have DID so I can't really talk to her about this stuff. *sigh*
It does feel good to write out my thoughts on here, though. It's just hard sometimes because I feel alone when I don't see the people I am actually talking to.
T also mentioned that she really wants to have a session with my parents - soon. I almost had a full-on panic attack. I really don't want to do it. It would be too much for me to handle. Neither one of them will understand me, no matter if we have a special session or not. I also don't want to tell them about my abuse. I have already tried to and what they know from the little I have told them has done no good. I'm still freaking out about it...
T wasn't all that helpful though... She is doing this 40 day cleanse thing and today was day 5 so she wasn't able to think very well, but I think just seeing her today was good for us. We have so many assignments to work on for T this week, I'm not sure when we will be able to do them.
A new split popped up yesterday. Totally bizarre experience though! My sister Ruthie was in the kitchen with me and she said something in Spanish, like "thank you" or something like that. I don't know very much Spanish... I know "hola", "cabasa", "casa", "si", "no" and "buenos diaz" (I don't even know if I spelled any of those right!). But once Ruthie said whatever she said in Spanish, I rambled off a sentence in Spanish like I was fluent in it! And as soon as I said it, I said "what does that mean?" Ruthie gave me the strangest look and then started laughing. That's when I realized that there was a new split.
I'm told though that she isn't new, she was just in a deeper level for a long time. Tayela said she was one of the first splits that I created when I was little. Her name is Quinn. She is very vibrant and full of life and loves to talk. The inside of my head seems to be constantly bubbling with her voice. Good thing she knows English or else I would be going crazy just wondering what the heck she is saying!
During the session today my T realized that the only way I am going to get better physically and mentally is to work with each split individually so they can work through what they hold onto for me. My T says that would take up so much time and it would mean that I won't be out very much. She doesn't like that I won't be out very much because she says we get the most work done when I'm out. She wants to try to figure out a way we can do it co-consciously, but then I brought up the concern about remembering things that I have repressed. It's all a big mess and I'm kind of stressed out about it. I don't want to get really ill from all of their baggage since I'm already sick, but I don't see how else they can work on their stuff unless I'm not out at all.
I have a lot to think about this week and a lot of figuring out to do. Spring is just not a good time of year for me...
I also find myself "faking it" more than usual lately. And by that I mean I act "normal" or even "happy" around other people so they will think that I am okay and have no worries, when I'm really feeling like crap and I just want to hide. I almost can't help it though. It's like my 'automatic pilot' mode that kicks into gear as soon as I walk out of my bedroom or out of my house. I should have done a longer session today with T... Too much to talk about and not enough time.
I should be okay until I see her again next week but sometimes I wish I could just talk to someone besides her during the week. Someone who will just listen to what I'm going through and provide the comfort of support and friendship. My best friend B is usually the one I talk to but she has two kids and one on the way so she isn't always available. My other best friend L doesn't even know I have DID so I can't really talk to her about this stuff. *sigh*
It does feel good to write out my thoughts on here, though. It's just hard sometimes because I feel alone when I don't see the people I am actually talking to.
T also mentioned that she really wants to have a session with my parents - soon. I almost had a full-on panic attack. I really don't want to do it. It would be too much for me to handle. Neither one of them will understand me, no matter if we have a special session or not. I also don't want to tell them about my abuse. I have already tried to and what they know from the little I have told them has done no good. I'm still freaking out about it...
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Wake Up, Mom
Today has been pretty okay I guess. I woke up in less pain than the morning before, so that's good. I only got about 45 minutes of sleep, though, so I've been extremely exhausted.
I'm still switching like crazy, so my memory is shot and I have no clue if I've eaten today. I feel like I'm not even living right now. It's like I'm floating through different worlds, not really choosing to land in any of them but rather to see them pass by. It's a very surreal experience.
And I am currently fed up with my mom. She doesn't understand that I'm going through some really hard things right now. She is in her own world where everything is neat and perfect and nothing could possibly go wrong - and I am the perfect daughter who doesn't have DID or any history of abuse. I just want to say WAKE UP MOM! I freaking have DID and I was abused! A lot! Gosh, I wish she would just open her eyes and see what's in front of her!
So no, I haven't tried talking to her again... I really need to but I also feel like I need to be in the right mindset to talk to her. Right now things are too crazy and I don't even know what is going on inside of my head. I don't think the splits know either.
I have a really difficult project to complete that is due in two or three weeks. I don't even know where to start... I cannot wait until summer. Then I can focus on work and writing my novels. Just three more weeks. Just three more weeks...
-Bee*
I'm still switching like crazy, so my memory is shot and I have no clue if I've eaten today. I feel like I'm not even living right now. It's like I'm floating through different worlds, not really choosing to land in any of them but rather to see them pass by. It's a very surreal experience.
And I am currently fed up with my mom. She doesn't understand that I'm going through some really hard things right now. She is in her own world where everything is neat and perfect and nothing could possibly go wrong - and I am the perfect daughter who doesn't have DID or any history of abuse. I just want to say WAKE UP MOM! I freaking have DID and I was abused! A lot! Gosh, I wish she would just open her eyes and see what's in front of her!
So no, I haven't tried talking to her again... I really need to but I also feel like I need to be in the right mindset to talk to her. Right now things are too crazy and I don't even know what is going on inside of my head. I don't think the splits know either.
I have a really difficult project to complete that is due in two or three weeks. I don't even know where to start... I cannot wait until summer. Then I can focus on work and writing my novels. Just three more weeks. Just three more weeks...
-Bee*
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Crazy Days
Wow it has been a crazy couple of days. I have been dissociating like crazy and I can't figure out how to stop switching so much.
Thursday at work I was so scatterbrained and so switchy that I don't remember much. I do remember, however, how hard it was to remember everything I had to do and sometimes I would come back and not even realize I was still at work. Not good...not good at all.
Friday was a little better but not by much. I was switching like crazy all morning long but by the afternoon I wasn't switching as much. I feel like I have no control over when I switch - none whatsoever. It's a horrible feeling when you really are trying to be out more.
Friday night was my date! He is super nice and pretty funny. He got me laughing quite a few times. We went to this big singles event (about 2000 singles from the valley) - it was like a sports night. We played volleyball and ultimate Frisbee. I am pretty decent at volleyball. I have a killer serve that I am quite proud of. And the rest of the time (while not serving) I can hit it back over the net. The only weird thing is, is that I get really bad looking bruises on the insides of my arms after playing for any amount of time. Right now, I have really bruised up arms. It's a pretty cool souvenir. Ultimate Frisbee was definitely interesting. I had never played before - mainly because I can't throw or catch a Frisbee to save my life. One of the other guys that was playing with us threw the Frisbee straight at my forehead. It hurt. Today I have a nice bruise right above my eye. I probably look like I was beaten up last night! We had so much fun though and we got to talk quite a bit. Afterward, we went to Bahama Bucks and got smoothies. It was sooo yummy. I can't remember the last time I went there. (Later I got really sick from it, but it was worth it :) )
After we were done with our smoothies, he took me home and gave me a hug on my porch. I had a lot of fun. Even if we don't go out again, I would like to be friends. He is a pretty good guy.
And today, Saturday, I went on a huge shopping spree with my sisters, Brooke and Bri. I had to borrow a shirt from Bri for my date because I haven't gone shopping in almost a year so I told them I had to get some new clothes. I ended up getting 6 new shirts, 2 dresses (so not like me since I HATE wearing dresses but these ones were just so cute!)
and a new pair of shoes. It was a GREAT day! I got something at every store and I tried on so many things I liked that I decided not to get because I didn't want to go broke.
Now I have to catch up on the butt load of homework that has accumulated over the week. I haven't had a chance to do it because I have been so busy! Only three weeks left of the semester - thank goodness! I am so ready for a long summer break, even if I will be working full time.
I have also been extremely exhausted. I haven't been sleeping very much. I was so tired this morning that it took me about three hours to get myself out of bed. I missed going running because I was way too tired to even think straight. It has been strange... I think with all the switching going on, no one is able to sleep and it is not good. I'm hoping to be able to sleep tonight so I won't be completely dead tomorrow.
I hope you all are having a good weekend!
-Bee*
Thursday at work I was so scatterbrained and so switchy that I don't remember much. I do remember, however, how hard it was to remember everything I had to do and sometimes I would come back and not even realize I was still at work. Not good...not good at all.
Friday was a little better but not by much. I was switching like crazy all morning long but by the afternoon I wasn't switching as much. I feel like I have no control over when I switch - none whatsoever. It's a horrible feeling when you really are trying to be out more.
Friday night was my date! He is super nice and pretty funny. He got me laughing quite a few times. We went to this big singles event (about 2000 singles from the valley) - it was like a sports night. We played volleyball and ultimate Frisbee. I am pretty decent at volleyball. I have a killer serve that I am quite proud of. And the rest of the time (while not serving) I can hit it back over the net. The only weird thing is, is that I get really bad looking bruises on the insides of my arms after playing for any amount of time. Right now, I have really bruised up arms. It's a pretty cool souvenir. Ultimate Frisbee was definitely interesting. I had never played before - mainly because I can't throw or catch a Frisbee to save my life. One of the other guys that was playing with us threw the Frisbee straight at my forehead. It hurt. Today I have a nice bruise right above my eye. I probably look like I was beaten up last night! We had so much fun though and we got to talk quite a bit. Afterward, we went to Bahama Bucks and got smoothies. It was sooo yummy. I can't remember the last time I went there. (Later I got really sick from it, but it was worth it :) )
After we were done with our smoothies, he took me home and gave me a hug on my porch. I had a lot of fun. Even if we don't go out again, I would like to be friends. He is a pretty good guy.
And today, Saturday, I went on a huge shopping spree with my sisters, Brooke and Bri. I had to borrow a shirt from Bri for my date because I haven't gone shopping in almost a year so I told them I had to get some new clothes. I ended up getting 6 new shirts, 2 dresses (so not like me since I HATE wearing dresses but these ones were just so cute!)
and a new pair of shoes. It was a GREAT day! I got something at every store and I tried on so many things I liked that I decided not to get because I didn't want to go broke.Now I have to catch up on the butt load of homework that has accumulated over the week. I haven't had a chance to do it because I have been so busy! Only three weeks left of the semester - thank goodness! I am so ready for a long summer break, even if I will be working full time.
I have also been extremely exhausted. I haven't been sleeping very much. I was so tired this morning that it took me about three hours to get myself out of bed. I missed going running because I was way too tired to even think straight. It has been strange... I think with all the switching going on, no one is able to sleep and it is not good. I'm hoping to be able to sleep tonight so I won't be completely dead tomorrow.
I hope you all are having a good weekend!
-Bee*
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I Just Don't Know...
Today was so crazy and stressful…
My parents are trying to sell our house because my dad doesn’t want to keep spending so much money on it when we could be living in something smaller. The splits just aren’t too happy about moving. Today we had to get it all “perfect” to show to some people and both my parents are so anal about everything that anything we did just wasn’t perfect enough. This made the splits and I feel completely worthless. I reached a point where I just didn’t want to help anymore, so I went in my room and studied for my final.
My mom ended up coming in my room and rearranging a whole bunch of things. I was totally freaking out in my mind but didn’t let it show because I couldn’t control what she was doing and I knew I could put it all back. I just HATE it when people move or touch my stuff without asking.
My final went really good. I feel confident in how I did. I don’t know when I will receive my score but I’m not worried about that. It is DONE and I am perfectly happy with that!
I saw T this morning. The session was just weird... My energy levels were low because I was feeling very nauseous and T had a headache. We first talked about the e-mail she sent me last week that had offended me. She told me that all she wanted to do was for the splits to work together to figure out what the heck is going on with me. I had gotten all worked up and offended over nothing… So we’re good now.
Then we talked about how the talk with my mom went – which went not so good. T wants me to try again this week... Joy. She then was asking how often I had been out, which was like nadda. T thinks the splits are fighting me for more time out which isn’t true. The splits want me to be out the majority of the time. It’s just the time of year that seems to really get to me and I am just having the hardest time staying out right now.
We also figured out today that I apparently have some type of eating disorder and major problems with food. T doesn’t know the cause of all of it yet. She thinks it may be the splits trying to protect me still. I am very confused about the whole thing, but she wants the splits to start figuring it out. We’ll see how that actually goes... I guess when I was anorexic at 14 and 15, it never really left me. News to me! But I can see how my health problems could totally stem from all of that. I have always had problems with eating and food since I was really little, because of allergies and just weird reactions, plus all the abuse centered around food. I don’t know...
Does anybody else with DID have major food issues that you have found and have worked through? Any suggestions? I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense… I’m not sure I fully understand it right now.
My three classes tonight just didn’t go very well... I had to do a presentation on a chapter and the switching going on was just crazy. One minute I would be out and then the next moment I would be mid sentence and then I would come out again and I was talking about something else and wow, I was so out of it and so confused. It was really bad… I hope it wasn’t as crazy sounding to my classmates. I don’t even know what was going on… Today has just been really sucky I guess...
-Bee*
My parents are trying to sell our house because my dad doesn’t want to keep spending so much money on it when we could be living in something smaller. The splits just aren’t too happy about moving. Today we had to get it all “perfect” to show to some people and both my parents are so anal about everything that anything we did just wasn’t perfect enough. This made the splits and I feel completely worthless. I reached a point where I just didn’t want to help anymore, so I went in my room and studied for my final.
My mom ended up coming in my room and rearranging a whole bunch of things. I was totally freaking out in my mind but didn’t let it show because I couldn’t control what she was doing and I knew I could put it all back. I just HATE it when people move or touch my stuff without asking.
My final went really good. I feel confident in how I did. I don’t know when I will receive my score but I’m not worried about that. It is DONE and I am perfectly happy with that!
I saw T this morning. The session was just weird... My energy levels were low because I was feeling very nauseous and T had a headache. We first talked about the e-mail she sent me last week that had offended me. She told me that all she wanted to do was for the splits to work together to figure out what the heck is going on with me. I had gotten all worked up and offended over nothing… So we’re good now.
Then we talked about how the talk with my mom went – which went not so good. T wants me to try again this week... Joy. She then was asking how often I had been out, which was like nadda. T thinks the splits are fighting me for more time out which isn’t true. The splits want me to be out the majority of the time. It’s just the time of year that seems to really get to me and I am just having the hardest time staying out right now.
We also figured out today that I apparently have some type of eating disorder and major problems with food. T doesn’t know the cause of all of it yet. She thinks it may be the splits trying to protect me still. I am very confused about the whole thing, but she wants the splits to start figuring it out. We’ll see how that actually goes... I guess when I was anorexic at 14 and 15, it never really left me. News to me! But I can see how my health problems could totally stem from all of that. I have always had problems with eating and food since I was really little, because of allergies and just weird reactions, plus all the abuse centered around food. I don’t know...
Does anybody else with DID have major food issues that you have found and have worked through? Any suggestions? I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense… I’m not sure I fully understand it right now.
My three classes tonight just didn’t go very well... I had to do a presentation on a chapter and the switching going on was just crazy. One minute I would be out and then the next moment I would be mid sentence and then I would come out again and I was talking about something else and wow, I was so out of it and so confused. It was really bad… I hope it wasn’t as crazy sounding to my classmates. I don’t even know what was going on… Today has just been really sucky I guess...
-Bee*
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Bad to Great
Wow today has been SO strange!
It started out with breakfast, as usual. My sister Renee was driving me crazy (she does online school - 11th grade) and blabbing on and on about her drama and such. As soon as she left the room, my mom came in and she wasn't too happy with me.
I can't remember most of what she said because I was trying my best to block her out, but basically she was mad at me for not telling her when I got home last night from my classes and that she doesn't "understand" me etc. I've been upset with my mom all day.
And then me, being totally out of my mind I guess, decided to try to have the conversation with her again about boundaries. Well... she did NOT take it well. I ended up leaving the room after ten minutes of hearing how badly she wishes I was "normal" and that she wouldn't have to deal with all of this. Whatever, I don't need to be a part of that.
So I spent the rest of the day in my room studying for the final I have tomorrow - which I am not looking forward to but I am looking forward to getting done with one of my online classes.
Then tonight, I went to a singles activity with my sisters (Brooke and Bri). We usually go to them on Tuesday nights, I just haven't been in a few weeks because I haven't been feeling well enough. Wait, back track real fast! I actually had a GOOD day today pain-wise!! The new medication seems to be working already which is AMAZING! Unless it's just a freak-thing. But still, one good day is good enough for me!
Okay, back to the singles activity. So we went and I saw a bunch of my friends there which was really fun. Towards the end, Bri mentioned that she had a paper to write and since we all carpooled together we had to leave with her. On our way out the door, this guy came up to me and asked if I would like to go on a date with him.
I said yes! And I am STILL in shock! Haha. I haven't been asked out on a date for almost a year and a half and then BAM.
I kinda know the guy. He is super nice, taller than me, really sweet. I'm friends with his step brother and step sister. He has a great personality and he is kinda cute too. So I'm pretty excited :) And it totally made my day! He said Friday night and that he would call me sometime this week, so I will keep you all posted!
Ahhh I am like SO happy right now!!
-Bee*
It started out with breakfast, as usual. My sister Renee was driving me crazy (she does online school - 11th grade) and blabbing on and on about her drama and such. As soon as she left the room, my mom came in and she wasn't too happy with me.
I can't remember most of what she said because I was trying my best to block her out, but basically she was mad at me for not telling her when I got home last night from my classes and that she doesn't "understand" me etc. I've been upset with my mom all day.
And then me, being totally out of my mind I guess, decided to try to have the conversation with her again about boundaries. Well... she did NOT take it well. I ended up leaving the room after ten minutes of hearing how badly she wishes I was "normal" and that she wouldn't have to deal with all of this. Whatever, I don't need to be a part of that.
So I spent the rest of the day in my room studying for the final I have tomorrow - which I am not looking forward to but I am looking forward to getting done with one of my online classes.
Then tonight, I went to a singles activity with my sisters (Brooke and Bri). We usually go to them on Tuesday nights, I just haven't been in a few weeks because I haven't been feeling well enough. Wait, back track real fast! I actually had a GOOD day today pain-wise!! The new medication seems to be working already which is AMAZING! Unless it's just a freak-thing. But still, one good day is good enough for me!
Okay, back to the singles activity. So we went and I saw a bunch of my friends there which was really fun. Towards the end, Bri mentioned that she had a paper to write and since we all carpooled together we had to leave with her. On our way out the door, this guy came up to me and asked if I would like to go on a date with him.
I said yes! And I am STILL in shock! Haha. I haven't been asked out on a date for almost a year and a half and then BAM.
I kinda know the guy. He is super nice, taller than me, really sweet. I'm friends with his step brother and step sister. He has a great personality and he is kinda cute too. So I'm pretty excited :) And it totally made my day! He said Friday night and that he would call me sometime this week, so I will keep you all posted!
Ahhh I am like SO happy right now!!
-Bee*
Monday, April 12, 2010
Just Bee
Tonight in my two classes, I received amazing news! All five of my classes that I am taking on campus will be CANCELED next week! How awesome is that?! It's like a second spring break. LOVE it!
So next week I will not have to worry about going to school, just keeping up on my online classes (I have three). This is my second semester taking 24 credits at once, which may sound nuts/crazy/insane but that is what keeps me going.
I still have not talked to my mom... I didn't see her at all today. I ended up going to the doctor with my sister - my mom didn't come at all.
The doctor appointment went really well. She took me off of three medications and put me on two new ones, and upped one I was previously on. I am still on a ton of meds but not as many as before, thank goodness. The doctor thinks I am improving - she is just really concerned about my acidity levels. They are so high in my body, I can literally feel my insides boiling. My throat is so dry, burned, and swollen that I am losing my voice. Not good... And everything I eat turns to soup in my stomach. For those of you who don't know, that is bad... So both of the new meds are for my acidity levels. She said it will take about 2 months for the meds to really take effect but I should start noticing a difference in about a week or two. Thank goodness because the pain this stupid acid is causing is H*LL! Along with all of my other pain - the joy of my life.
Going through tomorrow without seeing T will be weird. I will see her Wednesday this week instead. Maybe I can find time to talk to my mom.
I should probably attempt to sleep... I have a lot of things to get done tomorrow and probably no time for a nap during the day. It will be interesting to see how tomorrow plays out.
-Bee*
So next week I will not have to worry about going to school, just keeping up on my online classes (I have three). This is my second semester taking 24 credits at once, which may sound nuts/crazy/insane but that is what keeps me going.
I still have not talked to my mom... I didn't see her at all today. I ended up going to the doctor with my sister - my mom didn't come at all.
The doctor appointment went really well. She took me off of three medications and put me on two new ones, and upped one I was previously on. I am still on a ton of meds but not as many as before, thank goodness. The doctor thinks I am improving - she is just really concerned about my acidity levels. They are so high in my body, I can literally feel my insides boiling. My throat is so dry, burned, and swollen that I am losing my voice. Not good... And everything I eat turns to soup in my stomach. For those of you who don't know, that is bad... So both of the new meds are for my acidity levels. She said it will take about 2 months for the meds to really take effect but I should start noticing a difference in about a week or two. Thank goodness because the pain this stupid acid is causing is H*LL! Along with all of my other pain - the joy of my life.
Going through tomorrow without seeing T will be weird. I will see her Wednesday this week instead. Maybe I can find time to talk to my mom.
I should probably attempt to sleep... I have a lot of things to get done tomorrow and probably no time for a nap during the day. It will be interesting to see how tomorrow plays out.
-Bee*
Sleep - Again
I know I have posted about sleep a few weeks ago but I've been thinking about it a lot lately and thought I should post about it again.
When I actually do sleep, it's always so weird for me... I either sleep so deep that no one can wake me up - sometimes not even an alarm. Or I sleep so lightly that reality will be my dream and I am able to hear conversations and other things going on around me - which is the coolest and weirdest thing ever.
The other day my sister Raena and I were talking about sleep. She was asking me why no one could ever wake me up. We just sat there thinking about it and then she said, "maybe when you fall asleep like that, nobody is 'out' so it's like your body is just laying there... and then 'someone' realizes that no one is 'out' so they come to and you just wake up." I thought that was pretty good for a 14 year old! But now I am curious if that is the case. I have asked some of the splits about it but none of them really seem to know for sure.
Another thing that is a little weird is when I sleep deep like that, I find myself waking up every hour or two hours to eat a small snack. Like I will be sleeping and then all of a sudden I wake up and walk to the kitchen, grab something small and eat it while walking back to my room, and then I just lay back down and sleep for another hour or two and go grab something to eat again. It is so strange. Whenever I think about it, I realize that most of the time I don't even open my eyes. I just walk straight in there and then straight back. And it's like I don't even have to waste time trying to fall asleep. I just fall asleep in an instant. Or at least it feels like it is that quick. And also, when I wake up like that it's like I'm starving. It's like it takes my body so much energy to sleep like that that I have to eat in order to get enough sleep. So so strange...
Now, this doesn't happen very often. I usually go weeks without sleeping and then this weird pattern will happen for a couple of days. Raena also asked if that's why I still sleepwalk. Everyone must think I'm sleep walking when really I am like half-awake and not wanting to disrupt my odd sleep cycle. But then again, I do actually sleepwalk sometimes too. Who knows...!
Does anybody else have weird sleeping patterns like this?
-Bee*
When I actually do sleep, it's always so weird for me... I either sleep so deep that no one can wake me up - sometimes not even an alarm. Or I sleep so lightly that reality will be my dream and I am able to hear conversations and other things going on around me - which is the coolest and weirdest thing ever.
The other day my sister Raena and I were talking about sleep. She was asking me why no one could ever wake me up. We just sat there thinking about it and then she said, "maybe when you fall asleep like that, nobody is 'out' so it's like your body is just laying there... and then 'someone' realizes that no one is 'out' so they come to and you just wake up." I thought that was pretty good for a 14 year old! But now I am curious if that is the case. I have asked some of the splits about it but none of them really seem to know for sure.
Another thing that is a little weird is when I sleep deep like that, I find myself waking up every hour or two hours to eat a small snack. Like I will be sleeping and then all of a sudden I wake up and walk to the kitchen, grab something small and eat it while walking back to my room, and then I just lay back down and sleep for another hour or two and go grab something to eat again. It is so strange. Whenever I think about it, I realize that most of the time I don't even open my eyes. I just walk straight in there and then straight back. And it's like I don't even have to waste time trying to fall asleep. I just fall asleep in an instant. Or at least it feels like it is that quick. And also, when I wake up like that it's like I'm starving. It's like it takes my body so much energy to sleep like that that I have to eat in order to get enough sleep. So so strange...
Now, this doesn't happen very often. I usually go weeks without sleeping and then this weird pattern will happen for a couple of days. Raena also asked if that's why I still sleepwalk. Everyone must think I'm sleep walking when really I am like half-awake and not wanting to disrupt my odd sleep cycle. But then again, I do actually sleepwalk sometimes too. Who knows...!
Does anybody else have weird sleeping patterns like this?
-Bee*
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Just a Sunday
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow...and I'm kind of worried about it. They are going to do some tests to see if I am progressing and what meds I should stay on and which I should stop taking. And most likely they will prescribe even more meds. Oh joy...
Today I realized how good I am at making sure I don't have to be around my family very much, especially my mom. If you have been following my blog, you know that I need to have a "talk" with my mom and so the past week and a half I have really tried to find a time to have the conversation with her. Today I made it a point to find some time since it is Sunday. I go to church at 10, my mom goes at 12. She had meetings ALL DAY long until about an hour ago (10pm). She was so exhausted that she went to bed. I hardly saw her at all today and now I'm kind of irritated that I still haven't had the chance to really talk to her.
Then I thought we could talk on the drive to and from the doctor's office, since it takes about 40 - 45 minutes to get there from our house. Apparently she is bringing one of my sister's with us so that trashes that idea. So my planning to the "t" on avoiding my family has been done well - maybe a little too well.
I am happy to report that I am passed the point of being nervous about the conversation and have moved on to "let's just get this over with"!
And my T e-mailed me today and told me that she will have to meet with me on Wednesday morning. I told her it was fine even though it really isn't. I've been trying to figure out how to arrange everything so it will work out. So far it hasn't gone so well... It will be so nice when I don't have to worry about two different jobs, school, interning and a million different doctor appointments! I'm counting down the days.
I hope you all had a good weekend!
-Bee*
Today I realized how good I am at making sure I don't have to be around my family very much, especially my mom. If you have been following my blog, you know that I need to have a "talk" with my mom and so the past week and a half I have really tried to find a time to have the conversation with her. Today I made it a point to find some time since it is Sunday. I go to church at 10, my mom goes at 12. She had meetings ALL DAY long until about an hour ago (10pm). She was so exhausted that she went to bed. I hardly saw her at all today and now I'm kind of irritated that I still haven't had the chance to really talk to her.
Then I thought we could talk on the drive to and from the doctor's office, since it takes about 40 - 45 minutes to get there from our house. Apparently she is bringing one of my sister's with us so that trashes that idea. So my planning to the "t" on avoiding my family has been done well - maybe a little too well.
I am happy to report that I am passed the point of being nervous about the conversation and have moved on to "let's just get this over with"!
And my T e-mailed me today and told me that she will have to meet with me on Wednesday morning. I told her it was fine even though it really isn't. I've been trying to figure out how to arrange everything so it will work out. So far it hasn't gone so well... It will be so nice when I don't have to worry about two different jobs, school, interning and a million different doctor appointments! I'm counting down the days.
I hope you all had a good weekend!
-Bee*
Saturday, April 10, 2010
100th Day
Just a little random fact, today is the 100th day of 2010.
I have been out maybe an hour collectively today. I am past caring though... It has been so hard for me these past two weeks that I don't really care much for being out. I know I have missed a lot but I just can't handle very many things right now.
I still haven't talked to my sister who blabbed about my blog to our mom. I haven't decided if I am still mad at her or just annoyed.
And I think tomorrow is the day I will talk to my mom about boundaries and such. I'm nervous - oh so very nervous. But I also think I am ready. I need to get this out and I need to do this for myself and my splits. I hardly ever do things for myself.
I'm in an excruciating amount of pain so I'm going to call it a day. Thanks for reading and for your support.
-Bee*
I have been out maybe an hour collectively today. I am past caring though... It has been so hard for me these past two weeks that I don't really care much for being out. I know I have missed a lot but I just can't handle very many things right now.
I still haven't talked to my sister who blabbed about my blog to our mom. I haven't decided if I am still mad at her or just annoyed.
And I think tomorrow is the day I will talk to my mom about boundaries and such. I'm nervous - oh so very nervous. But I also think I am ready. I need to get this out and I need to do this for myself and my splits. I hardly ever do things for myself.
I'm in an excruciating amount of pain so I'm going to call it a day. Thanks for reading and for your support.
-Bee*
Friday, April 9, 2010
Privacy
I don't know why, but I am very intense when it comes to privacy - especially my privacy. I think it is because I was robbed of it my whole life growing up - sexual, physical, emotional, verbal, and ritual abuse. Now I tend to hide everything and anything I can, including this blog - nobody knows about it except for you and the other people who read it. No one in my family knows, none of my friends, not even my T. I am very particular and very aware of everything when it comes to my privacy.
I have another blog, one for my friends who do not know I have DID. I told two of my sisters about it because I trusted them not to tell anybody in the family about it. I just wanted to have a place to write my random thoughts and share some things with friends and I just didn't want my other family members to read it - especially my parents and my abusers. Well...today I come home to find that my younger of the two sister's I told about my blog, decided to show it to my mom. So while I was at work today, my mom read my entire blog (not this one, thank goodness). When I came home from work, my mom came right up to me and said, "So I read your entire blog today." I marched straight to my sister's room and almost screamed at her, asking her why in the world she would tell our mom! I've been fuming ever since. It may seem ridiculous, but I feel like I have lost the trust between us. I feel like she stabbed me in the back. I cannot believe she would do that.
Sometimes I really wonder what is going through her head. She was never abused so she doesn't understand what it is like for me or why I am the way I am.
I'm so fed up with people breaking their promises or doing things that I ask them not to do.
-Bee*
I have another blog, one for my friends who do not know I have DID. I told two of my sisters about it because I trusted them not to tell anybody in the family about it. I just wanted to have a place to write my random thoughts and share some things with friends and I just didn't want my other family members to read it - especially my parents and my abusers. Well...today I come home to find that my younger of the two sister's I told about my blog, decided to show it to my mom. So while I was at work today, my mom read my entire blog (not this one, thank goodness). When I came home from work, my mom came right up to me and said, "So I read your entire blog today." I marched straight to my sister's room and almost screamed at her, asking her why in the world she would tell our mom! I've been fuming ever since. It may seem ridiculous, but I feel like I have lost the trust between us. I feel like she stabbed me in the back. I cannot believe she would do that.
Sometimes I really wonder what is going through her head. She was never abused so she doesn't understand what it is like for me or why I am the way I am.
I'm so fed up with people breaking their promises or doing things that I ask them not to do.
-Bee*
Thursday, April 8, 2010
The E-mail
I feel weird even mentioning this but I need another opinion...
My T sent me an e-mail this morning that was for my splits mostly but for some reason I happened to read it first. I don't know why but I am very offended by it, and I don't get offended very easily...
This was the e-mail:
"Ok all you splits your assignment for the week is to figure out what is going on inside of Bee. Why is everyone so upset? What did MaRae tell me that Bee denied? I am really good at reading Bee but when she tells me that what I think is not right, I have to believe her. Looking at it as a counselor is believing what she sees to be true for her, I cannot expect her to tell me anything else but what she really believes.
I would like Bee to be out more of the time. I can tell in our last few sessions she has not been out much. Right after she went to see *doctor* she was doing the best, lets work to get her back there (I went to this doctor 6 weeks ago).
What are the new splits from lower levels without names and what are they doing?
That is plenty for you to work on. I will see Bee on Tues morning.
T" (changed name)
I don't know if I'm over-reacting or not... First what bugs me about this e-mail is that it comes off as my splits are bad and I'm the victim right now - which I don't believe to be true at all. It is like she is taking my side and going against them, but I view us all to be on the same side. Second, she knows I have not been out much, but she expects me to be out more. We just discussed on Tuesday that I have pretty much no control over it, and neither do the splits. It is complicated to explain on here but my T knows that and it seems like she is going behind my back to make my splits force me to be out. One, they would never do that, especially if I do not want to be out. And two, they don't always have the ability to do that. The splits also know that if I am experiencing too much physical pain than I tend to fade more quickly and more often if I try to be out more. Therefore, my T telling them that she would like me to be out more is pointless and I thought she knew that.
T also knows that right after I went to see that doctor, I was extremely happy because the doctor had finally figured out some of the things that were going on with me physically and started putting me on a bunch of different things to help me to get better. So at that time, I was very optimistic and ready to get better. The only thing is, it will take months, maybe even years for me to start feeling better and to get better so as the weeks have gone by, I am slowly learning the slow and painful process. It is hard to be happy and "out" all the time when you are in severe pain - hence the multiple personalities in the first place.
And in the last part of the e-mail T asks about the splits in the lower levels. These splits surface when my system "fails" or has a "chaotic moment", like we had this past week with all of the fighting. So I really had no control over if I was out or not because they put their system into effect while my main system was fighting. My T and I spent over 2 sessions going over who these splits were, their names, their purpose, etc (About 4 - 5 months ago). T wrote this all down on her notepad. And now suddenly they are a mystery to her and have no names? It makes me wonder if she is really listening to me.
I am offended by this e-mail and I don't know if I should bring that up with T or not. I usually don't bring those kinds of things up with her because I feel stupid when I do. But this e-mail really bothered me and some of the splits who have had the chance to read it. I just feel like all of this work we have been doing together has not been "real" because this whole e-mail seems like she has no idea what is going on. I understand that she wants to figure out why they are fighting, but why couldn't she just say that? I don't know what to do... I'm hoping it won't affect our relationship.
She is not going to be happy when she finds out that I still have not been out much... It's just that March and April are extremely hard months for me and I really don't like being out much, but I do try to be. I know I take every opportunity to "disappear" right now because I'm having such a hard time. I set it up that way.
I just can't shake the fact of how offended I am by this e-mail... Am I over-reacting?
-Bee*
My T sent me an e-mail this morning that was for my splits mostly but for some reason I happened to read it first. I don't know why but I am very offended by it, and I don't get offended very easily...
This was the e-mail:
"Ok all you splits your assignment for the week is to figure out what is going on inside of Bee. Why is everyone so upset? What did MaRae tell me that Bee denied? I am really good at reading Bee but when she tells me that what I think is not right, I have to believe her. Looking at it as a counselor is believing what she sees to be true for her, I cannot expect her to tell me anything else but what she really believes.
I would like Bee to be out more of the time. I can tell in our last few sessions she has not been out much. Right after she went to see *doctor* she was doing the best, lets work to get her back there (I went to this doctor 6 weeks ago).
What are the new splits from lower levels without names and what are they doing?
That is plenty for you to work on. I will see Bee on Tues morning.
T" (changed name)
I don't know if I'm over-reacting or not... First what bugs me about this e-mail is that it comes off as my splits are bad and I'm the victim right now - which I don't believe to be true at all. It is like she is taking my side and going against them, but I view us all to be on the same side. Second, she knows I have not been out much, but she expects me to be out more. We just discussed on Tuesday that I have pretty much no control over it, and neither do the splits. It is complicated to explain on here but my T knows that and it seems like she is going behind my back to make my splits force me to be out. One, they would never do that, especially if I do not want to be out. And two, they don't always have the ability to do that. The splits also know that if I am experiencing too much physical pain than I tend to fade more quickly and more often if I try to be out more. Therefore, my T telling them that she would like me to be out more is pointless and I thought she knew that.
T also knows that right after I went to see that doctor, I was extremely happy because the doctor had finally figured out some of the things that were going on with me physically and started putting me on a bunch of different things to help me to get better. So at that time, I was very optimistic and ready to get better. The only thing is, it will take months, maybe even years for me to start feeling better and to get better so as the weeks have gone by, I am slowly learning the slow and painful process. It is hard to be happy and "out" all the time when you are in severe pain - hence the multiple personalities in the first place.
And in the last part of the e-mail T asks about the splits in the lower levels. These splits surface when my system "fails" or has a "chaotic moment", like we had this past week with all of the fighting. So I really had no control over if I was out or not because they put their system into effect while my main system was fighting. My T and I spent over 2 sessions going over who these splits were, their names, their purpose, etc (About 4 - 5 months ago). T wrote this all down on her notepad. And now suddenly they are a mystery to her and have no names? It makes me wonder if she is really listening to me.
I am offended by this e-mail and I don't know if I should bring that up with T or not. I usually don't bring those kinds of things up with her because I feel stupid when I do. But this e-mail really bothered me and some of the splits who have had the chance to read it. I just feel like all of this work we have been doing together has not been "real" because this whole e-mail seems like she has no idea what is going on. I understand that she wants to figure out why they are fighting, but why couldn't she just say that? I don't know what to do... I'm hoping it won't affect our relationship.
She is not going to be happy when she finds out that I still have not been out much... It's just that March and April are extremely hard months for me and I really don't like being out much, but I do try to be. I know I take every opportunity to "disappear" right now because I'm having such a hard time. I set it up that way.
I just can't shake the fact of how offended I am by this e-mail... Am I over-reacting?
-Bee*
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
"The Talk" - Part 1
I did it. I started the conversation with my mom...
It is no where near being finished but I finally took the plunge and brought it up.
We didn't talk for very long today because neither of us had very much time, but it went very well. She started out by asking me some things about my splits in a very respectful way. I answered her questions as best as I could and for once I didn't feel like I had to be defensive like I always feel when I talk to her. We talked a little about me not being around very much and I started to explain why. She was very calm and seemed to take in the information well. I ended the conversation because I didn't want to ruin the moment or overload her with information. And since I am leaving tonight, we will have to postpone the rest of our conversation to the weekend. I just hope and pray that I will have enough time to do all of my homework, cleaning, errands, projects, and have time to really talk to my mom.
I want to thank all of you who have commented on previous posts. It has really helped me to take this big step.
-Bee*
It is no where near being finished but I finally took the plunge and brought it up.
We didn't talk for very long today because neither of us had very much time, but it went very well. She started out by asking me some things about my splits in a very respectful way. I answered her questions as best as I could and for once I didn't feel like I had to be defensive like I always feel when I talk to her. We talked a little about me not being around very much and I started to explain why. She was very calm and seemed to take in the information well. I ended the conversation because I didn't want to ruin the moment or overload her with information. And since I am leaving tonight, we will have to postpone the rest of our conversation to the weekend. I just hope and pray that I will have enough time to do all of my homework, cleaning, errands, projects, and have time to really talk to my mom.
I want to thank all of you who have commented on previous posts. It has really helped me to take this big step.
-Bee*
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
It's Funny How Life Plays Out....
I have so much to say today and I don't even know where to start...
I was up all night until 5am when the splits FINALLY stopped screaming! Ah it was peaceful sleeping time until my alarm went off at 6:30am.
I went to my session with T and all was good until she said something that triggered the splits back into screaming again...
I think I should kind of go over how our sessions usually go... When I was first diagnosed with DID, my T tried working with individual splits on an "as need" basis - so basically whoever needed to come out and work through things would get that time. But with 103 splits, that's a lot to deal with and remember. So over the years, we have found that it is best if I am out for the session's, unless a split is present when the session starts. The majority of the time, I am out and working through things.
Today was no different, but since I have not been out much over the past week, our session wasn't as effective as normal. But I still feel like we got a lot accomplished. By the end, the splits had ceased their screaming again.
I went interning and it was really good. I got to work with a few new students which was great! I'm actually excited for tomorrow.
My plan after interning was to pick up my two youngest sister's from school, go home, pack for the weekend, take a nap, and then catch up on homework. I'm all about being organized and always having a plan! But things didn't go as planned...
And I'm actually glad things didn't go as planned. When my sister's and I got home, we ended up talking - which is rare since they are a over 7 years younger than me. Somehow I ended up telling them about me having DID. I had to explain it in a way that they could understand and surprisingly, they were VERY accepting and gave me their full attention. We ended up talking for almost 4 hours about it! They had so many questions and were just intrigued by DID. I was baffled and completely not expecting to have this kind of conversation with them anytime soon. But my youngest sister said to me, "wow, this explains so much about you!" After they ran out of questions to ask me, we ended up hanging out the rest of the night. I now have a new bond formed with my two youngest sisters. It is an amazing feeling to have two more people in my life who are supportive of me - because I don't have very many of those!
The really great thing about this happening today was that it prepared me for the talk I am going to have with my mom. Not only was it a confidence booster, but it gave me a little more insight on how different family members view me. It gave me a little more perspective on how my mom view's me and how to approach her with what I need to say. I am really going to try to talk to my mom this week before I see my T again.
And I end today with all of the members in my immediate family knowing that I have DID. It's funny how life plays out...
-Bee*
I was up all night until 5am when the splits FINALLY stopped screaming! Ah it was peaceful sleeping time until my alarm went off at 6:30am.
I went to my session with T and all was good until she said something that triggered the splits back into screaming again...
I think I should kind of go over how our sessions usually go... When I was first diagnosed with DID, my T tried working with individual splits on an "as need" basis - so basically whoever needed to come out and work through things would get that time. But with 103 splits, that's a lot to deal with and remember. So over the years, we have found that it is best if I am out for the session's, unless a split is present when the session starts. The majority of the time, I am out and working through things.
Today was no different, but since I have not been out much over the past week, our session wasn't as effective as normal. But I still feel like we got a lot accomplished. By the end, the splits had ceased their screaming again.
I went interning and it was really good. I got to work with a few new students which was great! I'm actually excited for tomorrow.
My plan after interning was to pick up my two youngest sister's from school, go home, pack for the weekend, take a nap, and then catch up on homework. I'm all about being organized and always having a plan! But things didn't go as planned...
And I'm actually glad things didn't go as planned. When my sister's and I got home, we ended up talking - which is rare since they are a over 7 years younger than me. Somehow I ended up telling them about me having DID. I had to explain it in a way that they could understand and surprisingly, they were VERY accepting and gave me their full attention. We ended up talking for almost 4 hours about it! They had so many questions and were just intrigued by DID. I was baffled and completely not expecting to have this kind of conversation with them anytime soon. But my youngest sister said to me, "wow, this explains so much about you!" After they ran out of questions to ask me, we ended up hanging out the rest of the night. I now have a new bond formed with my two youngest sisters. It is an amazing feeling to have two more people in my life who are supportive of me - because I don't have very many of those!
The really great thing about this happening today was that it prepared me for the talk I am going to have with my mom. Not only was it a confidence booster, but it gave me a little more insight on how different family members view me. It gave me a little more perspective on how my mom view's me and how to approach her with what I need to say. I am really going to try to talk to my mom this week before I see my T again.
And I end today with all of the members in my immediate family knowing that I have DID. It's funny how life plays out...
-Bee*
Monday, April 5, 2010
System Failure
I've had a crappy couple of days...
I think I have been holding back from telling how I really have been doing the past few days.
My splits have gone mad, crazy, insane, whatever you want to call it. They won't stop screaming at each other. The great system we had is shot, gone, beaten, down the tube, whatever you want to call it.
I'm not out long enough to even know what day or time it is right now. Good thing my alarm clock tells me both.
Which means I have a therapy session tomorrow. I bet my T is going to be soooo happy...not.
And to top it all off - I tried to talk to my mom this morning, but when I got up, she wasn't home. Then when she got home, she had to leave again. Then I had to leave and I just barely got home, so I still haven't had the chance to talk with her. I'm going to try really hard to do it this week. I just hope my splits have calmed down by then.
I should be stressed out by this point but I'm not. I think that is a little strange... Has anybody had their splits scream at each other before for more than a day? Do you have any suggestions on how I should get mine to stop? I've run out of idea's at this point. And I bet my T won't know what to do tomorrow either.
Fun times.
-Bee*
I think I have been holding back from telling how I really have been doing the past few days.
My splits have gone mad, crazy, insane, whatever you want to call it. They won't stop screaming at each other. The great system we had is shot, gone, beaten, down the tube, whatever you want to call it.
I'm not out long enough to even know what day or time it is right now. Good thing my alarm clock tells me both.
Which means I have a therapy session tomorrow. I bet my T is going to be soooo happy...not.
And to top it all off - I tried to talk to my mom this morning, but when I got up, she wasn't home. Then when she got home, she had to leave again. Then I had to leave and I just barely got home, so I still haven't had the chance to talk with her. I'm going to try really hard to do it this week. I just hope my splits have calmed down by then.
I should be stressed out by this point but I'm not. I think that is a little strange... Has anybody had their splits scream at each other before for more than a day? Do you have any suggestions on how I should get mine to stop? I've run out of idea's at this point. And I bet my T won't know what to do tomorrow either.
Fun times.
-Bee*
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Random + Easter = Blog Post
I have had so much on my mind today...
My family comes home tonight which means I need to tell my mom that we need to talk. I think I am okay with this. I am planning on talking to her tomorrow, once all my sisters have left for school and my dad has left for work. That way I won't have any interruptions.
My grandma C. has called twice today trying to come over, which is really bad. I am not supposed to be around her anymore, only no one in my family knows that. I don't know how, but I convinced my sister not to answer the phone either time. I guess she called my mom and so my mom called me and told me that my grandma had said: "Just let them know that since they didn't call me back, I didn't get to watch conference. So it's their fault I didn't get that experience. I know they didn't want me there. Tell them I feel rejected." I just shook my head in amazement... One, she could have gone to a friend's house to watch conference. Two, she could have gone to the church building and watched conference. Three, she could have gotten on the internet and watched OR listened to conference. And four, she could have turned on the radio and listened to conference. Therefore it was in NO way our fault that she didn't watch or listen to conference. ("Conference" is in reference to "General Conference" which is two days dedicated to the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints speaking to the members of the church. It happens the first weekend in April and the first weekend in October. It is broadcast world-wide on TV, the internet, the radio, etc.) My grandma just needs to get over herself and realize that I'm not going to put up with her bullying, abuse, and borderline personality. It's too much for me and I don't have to put up with it anymore.
And another thought that keeps coming to my mind is that reality doesn’t seem real to me. It is as though it is a made-up world. It feels like a dream... I don’t really have a job, I don’t really intern, I don’t really go to school. It’s like I’m trapped in someone else's body that lives this life that people claim to be “mine”. I feel like I'm just floating through this so-called "reality" and just waiting for it to end. It's a very strange and almost terrifying feeling, but at the same time I am perfectly okay with it. I'm not sure which scares me more...
So tomorrow I will hopefully be talking to my mom... I just hope the screaming and fighting going on inside my head will have ceased by then. If not, then I may put it off until I can concentrate more fully on what I need and want to say.
I hope everyone had a good Easter.
-Bee*
P.S. I felt the after-shock of the California earthquake today. It was the craziest thing ever! I have never experienced an earthquake and after feeling the after-shock, I never want to experience an earthquake! It was so terrifying to be shaking with no explanation whatsoever! I thought my medication was doing something funky to my brain and body and I almost had a freaking heart-attack! Anyway, just thought I would mention that :)
My family comes home tonight which means I need to tell my mom that we need to talk. I think I am okay with this. I am planning on talking to her tomorrow, once all my sisters have left for school and my dad has left for work. That way I won't have any interruptions.
My grandma C. has called twice today trying to come over, which is really bad. I am not supposed to be around her anymore, only no one in my family knows that. I don't know how, but I convinced my sister not to answer the phone either time. I guess she called my mom and so my mom called me and told me that my grandma had said: "Just let them know that since they didn't call me back, I didn't get to watch conference. So it's their fault I didn't get that experience. I know they didn't want me there. Tell them I feel rejected." I just shook my head in amazement... One, she could have gone to a friend's house to watch conference. Two, she could have gone to the church building and watched conference. Three, she could have gotten on the internet and watched OR listened to conference. And four, she could have turned on the radio and listened to conference. Therefore it was in NO way our fault that she didn't watch or listen to conference. ("Conference" is in reference to "General Conference" which is two days dedicated to the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints speaking to the members of the church. It happens the first weekend in April and the first weekend in October. It is broadcast world-wide on TV, the internet, the radio, etc.) My grandma just needs to get over herself and realize that I'm not going to put up with her bullying, abuse, and borderline personality. It's too much for me and I don't have to put up with it anymore.
And another thought that keeps coming to my mind is that reality doesn’t seem real to me. It is as though it is a made-up world. It feels like a dream... I don’t really have a job, I don’t really intern, I don’t really go to school. It’s like I’m trapped in someone else's body that lives this life that people claim to be “mine”. I feel like I'm just floating through this so-called "reality" and just waiting for it to end. It's a very strange and almost terrifying feeling, but at the same time I am perfectly okay with it. I'm not sure which scares me more...
So tomorrow I will hopefully be talking to my mom... I just hope the screaming and fighting going on inside my head will have ceased by then. If not, then I may put it off until I can concentrate more fully on what I need and want to say.
I hope everyone had a good Easter.
-Bee*
P.S. I felt the after-shock of the California earthquake today. It was the craziest thing ever! I have never experienced an earthquake and after feeling the after-shock, I never want to experience an earthquake! It was so terrifying to be shaking with no explanation whatsoever! I thought my medication was doing something funky to my brain and body and I almost had a freaking heart-attack! Anyway, just thought I would mention that :)
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Chaos Inside
I don't know what happened, but on Thursday night my splits went into a full blown screaming fight. It started out with just two of them arguing (I'm not sure what about) but then it started to get really heated and they started screaming. This of course alerted some of the other splits and now they are either screaming at each other or scared to death to be near each other. I can't get a word out of any of the splits who aren't fighting because they are scared that they will get "sucked in" to this madness. I have had a migraine since Thursday.
I haven't told anybody this because I don't know if anyone can actually do anything to help. I thought they would have stopped fighting by now but I think it has gotten worse. I wish I knew what they were fighting about... And of course, it had to be Easter weekend.
Luckily I'm home alone this weekend with one of my sisters. Everyone else left to go up north for the holiday. I'm glad to be home though. I have a lot of homework and I usually get really sick in high altitudes. Plus I need to figure out how I am going to talk to my mom...
Last night my sister and I got to hang out. We went out to dinner - Chinese of course! - and then we went over to the bookstore about 25-30 minutes from our house. We both love to read and I have this thing about buying a certain amount of books every time I go to a bookstore. I really need to get a bookshelf because there is no room left in my closet for all the books I own. After we spent several hours at the bookstore, we went and saw Dear John in the dollar theatre. I have read the book and I think they did a pretty good job on the movie. Some things were changed a bit but that is to be expected I guess. We had a lot of fun though and it was nice to just hang out with her.
I hope you all have a wonderful Easter weekend!
-Bee*
I haven't told anybody this because I don't know if anyone can actually do anything to help. I thought they would have stopped fighting by now but I think it has gotten worse. I wish I knew what they were fighting about... And of course, it had to be Easter weekend.
Luckily I'm home alone this weekend with one of my sisters. Everyone else left to go up north for the holiday. I'm glad to be home though. I have a lot of homework and I usually get really sick in high altitudes. Plus I need to figure out how I am going to talk to my mom...
Last night my sister and I got to hang out. We went out to dinner - Chinese of course! - and then we went over to the bookstore about 25-30 minutes from our house. We both love to read and I have this thing about buying a certain amount of books every time I go to a bookstore. I really need to get a bookshelf because there is no room left in my closet for all the books I own. After we spent several hours at the bookstore, we went and saw Dear John in the dollar theatre. I have read the book and I think they did a pretty good job on the movie. Some things were changed a bit but that is to be expected I guess. We had a lot of fun though and it was nice to just hang out with her.
I hope you all have a wonderful Easter weekend!
-Bee*
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Preparing for "The Talk"
I cannot remember if I have talked about this previously in my blog...but one of my assignments from my T. last week (and again this week) is to talk to my mom about boundaries and about me being old enough to not need her to know about every little thing I do and have to be with me 24/7. I am almost 22 and if I had the option to live on my own I would! But I have to live at home right now because of my health complications and my lack of money.
My mom is a very "controlling" person in her own quiet way. She never tells you exactly what she wants but will hint at it SO much that it drives you crazy. Daily I want to say to her "stop beating around the bush and just tell me what you want!" Secretly, she wants me and all of my siblings to live at home for the rest of our lives so she always knows what we are doing. Of course, being 22 (and previously living on my own for over 2 years and then having to move back in) I am not wanting that at all. I want to break free of this and live my own life, without my mom breathing down my back every second of every day.
Now this is all very confusing to me... I really want to have a good relationship with my mom. I want to be able to talk to her about things that I am doing in my life and things I want to accomplish, and also about stupid girl things and boys, etc. But I can't talk to her about anything without her blowing it out of proportion and turning it into something "evil" or "bad" or "unacceptable". And the rare and few times I actually trust her with something very hard for me to share, she tells everyone and their dog. I have resorted to telling her the bare minimum.
So for a couple years now, I have been talking to my T. about how much my mom drives me crazy and how I wish I could have a good relationship with her. My mom doesn't even know the extent of my abuse - she just knows one teeny tiny fragment that is so minuscule compared to the rest of it that she thinks that my being abused was "not that bad" or "nothing to fret over". I so badly want to be able to share at least some of what I have been through, but right now I cannot trust her at all.
My T. wants me to talk to my mom about boundaries. How right now is my time to heal, not just physically but mentally, emotionally, spiritually. How I need to have more "alone time" and "time to breathe" so I can focus on myself and my splits. I need to be able to tell her that right now it's going to seem like I am more of a roommate because I am at the point in my life where I should be living on my own and I should be more independent of her and my dad, but I can't be because of my health.
This future conversation is going to be so hard for me. I hate making my mom feel obsolete. But I need time to find myself and to heal and I can't do that if she is always there, always watching, always breathing down my back. She expects me to be normal or striving to be normal and I wish she would just accept me for who I am.
I really, truly want to be really good friends with my mom because I feel that it is so important. I know she will never be comfortable with my splits and I have come to accept the fact that she will never get to know them. And sometimes I wonder how we could ever be good friends if she doesn't get to know them. They are so much a part of me that not knowing them would be like hardly knowing me at all. But I want that bond. I want to be able to go to her when I need something. I want to be able to talk to her when I need someone to listen to what I have to say. I want to be able to tell her when I don't want to share something with her.
I have been thinking about just writing her a letter because I do SO much better expressing my true feelings through writing. I have never been good at talking. I may talk a lot but most of the time it is just rambling to cover up how I really feel. And through writing, the person reading can't interrupt like they can when you are talking. But would writing a letter to my mom about this kind of thing be okay? I usually write to her when things between us get so bad that I am left crying all the time because she has hurt me so badly that I can't even be in the same room with her. I don't know... I don't feel like I am strong enough to have this conversation with my mom. Writing would be so much easier for me...
I keep telling myself that I need to do this sooner rather than later. But I keep getting that horrible sick feeling in my stomach that makes me want to disappear altogether so I won't have to deal with this anymore.
I need help in preparing for this conversation... If any of you have ever been through this or are going through this now or have something that can help me with this or help me to not feel so anxious and nervous, please comment. I need anything that will help me to get through this - even a word of encouragement. I feel so inadequate for this task...
-Bee*
My mom is a very "controlling" person in her own quiet way. She never tells you exactly what she wants but will hint at it SO much that it drives you crazy. Daily I want to say to her "stop beating around the bush and just tell me what you want!" Secretly, she wants me and all of my siblings to live at home for the rest of our lives so she always knows what we are doing. Of course, being 22 (and previously living on my own for over 2 years and then having to move back in) I am not wanting that at all. I want to break free of this and live my own life, without my mom breathing down my back every second of every day.
Now this is all very confusing to me... I really want to have a good relationship with my mom. I want to be able to talk to her about things that I am doing in my life and things I want to accomplish, and also about stupid girl things and boys, etc. But I can't talk to her about anything without her blowing it out of proportion and turning it into something "evil" or "bad" or "unacceptable". And the rare and few times I actually trust her with something very hard for me to share, she tells everyone and their dog. I have resorted to telling her the bare minimum.
So for a couple years now, I have been talking to my T. about how much my mom drives me crazy and how I wish I could have a good relationship with her. My mom doesn't even know the extent of my abuse - she just knows one teeny tiny fragment that is so minuscule compared to the rest of it that she thinks that my being abused was "not that bad" or "nothing to fret over". I so badly want to be able to share at least some of what I have been through, but right now I cannot trust her at all.
My T. wants me to talk to my mom about boundaries. How right now is my time to heal, not just physically but mentally, emotionally, spiritually. How I need to have more "alone time" and "time to breathe" so I can focus on myself and my splits. I need to be able to tell her that right now it's going to seem like I am more of a roommate because I am at the point in my life where I should be living on my own and I should be more independent of her and my dad, but I can't be because of my health.
This future conversation is going to be so hard for me. I hate making my mom feel obsolete. But I need time to find myself and to heal and I can't do that if she is always there, always watching, always breathing down my back. She expects me to be normal or striving to be normal and I wish she would just accept me for who I am.
I really, truly want to be really good friends with my mom because I feel that it is so important. I know she will never be comfortable with my splits and I have come to accept the fact that she will never get to know them. And sometimes I wonder how we could ever be good friends if she doesn't get to know them. They are so much a part of me that not knowing them would be like hardly knowing me at all. But I want that bond. I want to be able to go to her when I need something. I want to be able to talk to her when I need someone to listen to what I have to say. I want to be able to tell her when I don't want to share something with her.
I have been thinking about just writing her a letter because I do SO much better expressing my true feelings through writing. I have never been good at talking. I may talk a lot but most of the time it is just rambling to cover up how I really feel. And through writing, the person reading can't interrupt like they can when you are talking. But would writing a letter to my mom about this kind of thing be okay? I usually write to her when things between us get so bad that I am left crying all the time because she has hurt me so badly that I can't even be in the same room with her. I don't know... I don't feel like I am strong enough to have this conversation with my mom. Writing would be so much easier for me...
I keep telling myself that I need to do this sooner rather than later. But I keep getting that horrible sick feeling in my stomach that makes me want to disappear altogether so I won't have to deal with this anymore.
I need help in preparing for this conversation... If any of you have ever been through this or are going through this now or have something that can help me with this or help me to not feel so anxious and nervous, please comment. I need anything that will help me to get through this - even a word of encouragement. I feel so inadequate for this task...
-Bee*
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