Best Friend

My whole life, I've always wanted that person I could call my true "best friend".

You know what I'm talking about - the kind of friend you read about in a book or see in a movie. They are always there 100%, never judging, say encouraging words, hold you when you're sad, celebrates when you're happy, and is just an all-around great person. I've always wanted that... I've wanted to be able to trust another person completely so I could have a friendship that strong, but I guess I've just always assumed I would never have something that great.

I work with a girl (let's call her M) who I met back in the beginning of August. She teaches in the same hallway I do and we ended up working together quite a bit. Over the past month and a half, we have been spending more and more time together because of work - naturally, we started to get to know each other better and started hanging out together more and more outside of work.

Over the past few weeks, we've spent as much time as we can at work together, as much time outside of school together, and texting/talking on the phone the rest of the time. We ended up hanging out one night and pulled an all-nighter and talked for about 14 hours straight. It was one of the best nights of my life because I was able to share with her things I've never told anybody else and she was able to do the same with me.

I was also able to share my DID with her and what really impressed me was the first question she asked me after I told her. She said, "Bee, I would really like to get to know your other personalities if that's okay with you guys?"

No one has ever asked me if they could get to know my alters. I told her heck yes!


*Bee

Things I Wish I Could Say

I had a session with my T on Monday. Instead of telling her all the things that I have been struggling with the past few weeks, I let one of my alters be out for the time with her.

These are the things I wish I could have said to her...

I'm so overwhelmed by my anxiety that my weight has dropped far below the normal range - it is starting to become a major concern. It's even more frustrating because the people around me make comments about how they wish they could lose weight as fast. I wish I could tell them that this is NOT a good thing...

Some of my alters are constantly screaming. Nothing I do soothes them or makes them stop.

My pain levels are starting to rise again. Some are really high and it's a struggle to do simple things - even just getting out of bed in the morning.

We're all struggling with sleep again and it's starting to effect us during the day - major loss of focus, no attention span, major dissociation/switching, memory loss, fainting spells, exhaustion, etc.

Side effects from new medications are becoming a major concern.

I'm feeling like a total fake and a liar because my roommates don't know about my DID or my alters. I feel like I can't be myself and I feel like I'm constantly hiding something. I hate that.

I hate my job because my principal is forcing me into situations that put me in a position that could potentially get me fired. But at the same time I don't want to quit because I love my students and the teachers I work with and it's a job. How in the world am I supposed to deal with that?

I feel incredibly overwhelmed by life because I feel like I have to hold in all of these secrets because of my DID, and because of my job, and because of my health issues, and because of this and that and etc etc etc. I hate secrets. I hate feeling like I'm hiding things from people. I don't want to hold everything in anymore. I want it gone. I want to be done with it.

There is so much more I need to say and write but I can't...at least not right now.

The things I wish I could say...

Introducing My Alters

Fall and spring are typically very tough times of the year for both me and my alters, especially fall. I've noticed over the past few years that talking to our T is just not enough for us to express what is going on and we're often left feeling depressed and alone with no one else to talk to between sessions. I've been thinking of ways to fix this problem and the only thing I've come up with so far is sharing my blog with them. We've kind of done this in the past but now I want them to make themselves known and really express what's going on for them. I hope it will not only help them individually and all of us as a whole person but each of my readers as well and maybe even their alters.

I know some of you already share your blog with your alters so any ideas or tips or anything would be greatly appreciated!

Have a great week :)


*Bee

I Am Ready! Bring It On!

I have had the amazing opportunity to move in with some beyond amazing girls who have changed and are changing my life for the better. I have never been so happy all the time in my entire life. No matter what kind of day I've had, as soon as I walk into my house a smile appears on my face simply because the energy is so good and happy and I feel loved. I feel accepted. I feel at peace and safe. For the first time in my life, I know what "home" feels like.

The three times I have had to go back to my parents house (for whatever reason - borrowed/returned something, birthday, etc) since I've moved out, I've hated the feeling/energy in their house and I just wanted to leave it. All of my friends and co-workers have been commenting on how much happier I've been and how happy I look all the time. Even my twin sister says she can tell that my whole life has turned around in these last 3 weeks.

This is probably the best thing I could have ever done for myself and my alters. I am so blessed to have found this house and these amazing girls to be my roommates. We have all instantly become really good friends and I know that this is where I am supposed to be right now. I am so excited to finally be able to do some serious work in therapy so I can heal and really move on in life.

I AM READY! BRING IT ON!


*Bee

Who Art Thou, Imposter?

My new T and I have been working through some things that my old T had really upset me about in the past. I have been sending my new T some of my old emails to her - (conversations between me and my old T). I came across one particular email that really hit me hard...at first I tried to put it aside and forget it but it kept nagging me in the back of my mind.

At the time, I had been pretty much on bed rest because of my severely high pain levels. I was about 19 years old, on morphine, and basically stuck in bed all day except for when I had my college classes. My old T was convinced that my alters were sabotaging my life and I kept defending them, telling my old T that they weren't making me sick. This is what I wrote to my old T late one night...

“You don’t know what it’s like. There are theories from people who know nothing about having voices in their head. There are things I just know. I can’t prove them, but I know them. I know they are true. I know I have alters who lie and do things I hate, but this is me talking. I live with this disorder every moment of every day. I know things about it that nobody else would know - unless they have alters. There are things I can never tell. Never explain. Never be able to prove. But I know. I know...
 

I know it sounds weird when I say that I know when I can eat or drink certain things, or when certain things make me feel better or worse. It probably sounds like I’m crazy or that I’m making it up, but I swear I’m not. There is something going on and I can’t figure out what it is. It is frustrating and tiresome and ridiculous but I’m willing to fight for it. 

You don’t know what it’s like to live like this. To be afraid of things most people cannot see. To talk to people who are only talking to you. To never sleep; instead, you see things and call them dreams because you don’t know what else to call them. Supposed memories that come to you, and people telling you it’s from your life but you don’t ever remember living it. You go weeks without eating anything and yet you look the exact same – as if no matter how much pain you have to suffer through from starving to death it never shows the effects on the outside. 

I can’t explain to someone what it is like to look in a mirror and not recognize the face inside it. How there are some days I wake up and it takes everything inside me to put on a mask and walk through my life like someone else. I am the person that you pretend does not exist, except that is all I am, all of the time. 

I feel like I’m always trying to give people what they want or expect, but I’m always falling short. Somehow I end up being the disappointment. 

People I thought I knew, I really don’t know at all. Just like they don’t really know me, either."

I know I have come a long way from that point in my life, but there are still times when I feel like that person. I often wonder if I will ever stop feeling like an imposter in my own body?

Big Changes

So many changes have taken place since I have last had a chance to sit down and blog. Big changes - both good and bad.

Being a teacher is very hard. Oftentimes I work 10 to 12 hour days (or more) because there are just simply not enough school hours to get everything done - and I'm not the only teacher who is staying this long. At least half of the other teachers are pulling crazy hours like this too, sometimes even more. Unexpected things pop up, meetings run long, prep hours disappear, emergencies, etc. Pretty soon you find yourself chained to your desk hidden behind a mountain of papers, wondering how far away the weekend is. I don't want my job to be like that. I want to love my job. I want to look forward to going to work. I love my students and I want to have a positive attitude so when I am working with them I can have a positive influence in their lives.

I moved. I got myself some roommates and moved out of my parents house (yay!) and it is awesome! I forgot how much better I do when I live on my own away from family. It has been a nice change.

I have been struggling. This time of year is always really rough for me and stays rough until after Thanksgiving/Christmas. I'm hoping this year things will be better because I will have a healthy escape (my house) to go to when my family and extended family become too overwhelming or triggering. I also have a new T that is amazing and has already done so much for me and my alters.


*Bee

Wow. That Session Was Amazing!

For those of you who have been following my blog, you know that I've been having some major issues with my T. I ended up finding a therapist that I first met with about a week and a half ago - it was that initial "interview" session. Right away I felt this connection to her. Things just felt so right and there was a very powerful energy in the room.

Today I had my first official session with her - wow. That session was AMAZING!

On my way home from my session, I called my T (who I have been seeing for over 5 years) and told her that I wasn't going to be seeing her anymore. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off of my shoulders!

Anyway, back to my new T!!

I have an alter who is under the age of 10, and who is always so so angry. She comes out and breaks things, tears things apart, sets fires, bangs her head, yells and screams, ruins anything she can get her hands on. Lately she has been having memories surface and it has been a real struggle for everyone in the system. My old T was afraid to work with her so that alter never came out during our sessions.

Well, today she came out during our first session with new T and WOW! Words cannot describe how amazing this T is. Not only did she meet this alter - new T talked with her the entire 60 minutes, and was so great with her that this alter didn't want to leave. For those of you who have an alter like this, you know how rare this is. This alter, who has hated everything and everyone for as long as I can remember, left today's session with a smile on her face. A SMILE!

Today's session had that same powerful energy - warm, encompassing, friendly, calming. My alters and I pick up on that so fast. I can't believe I've never been able to find her before.

Wow...I'm still just totally baffled and it has been several hours now since the session. I wish everyone could have a therapist who is this amazing.

I'm still "WOW"-ing in my head, over and over again!


*Bee

The Waves Keep Coming...

I apologize for the choppy-ness of this post and any triggers it may cause. I've been severely dissociated lately and it's hard to be grounded enough to type clearly.

It all started with the first days back to work with the other fellow teachers - no students. Only a couple of the teachers were here last year with me, all the rest are new. The chemistry is beyond fantastic. It's going to be an amazing year.

One teacher in particular, a male, has taken interest in me. Not in a bad way; he is a really great guy! We're able to joke around with each other at any given moment and it's nice to have someone like that. We've hung out quite a bit over the past few weeks. I'll call him L.N.

The end of the first week of school, with students, some of the teachers went to a restaurant after school to unwind, drink, talk, whatever. I don't drink - I'm very allergic to alcohol - but I went for the social part of it. My boss over my particular department got very drunk. More drunk than I've ever seen at a place like this.

******TRIGGER WARNING********

He ended up hitting on me at first, then talking about his dick - how big it was, how "pleasing" it was. I immediately started freaking out, internally, because externally I had to appear normal. I wanted to get out of there and just go home. L.N. volunteered to take this guy home but I could tell he really didn't want to. L.N. turned to me and asked if I could go with him to take this other guy home. I agreed because I trust L.N. (wow, did I just say that out loud??) but as soon as we got in the car, I regretted it.

The entire 30 minute car ride was my boss talking about how attractive and sexy I was. How big his dick was and how it didn't matter in the end. How I needed to find a good and honest guy to marry and have a family. How much he liked my body and my mind. I was frozen in the backseat, not able to say anything or even move. Absolutely terrifying.

***End Triggers***

We finally got him home and the car ride back was a little better. L.N. kept apologizing over and over again. He could tell I wasn't doing so good.

Ever since that night, I've been extremely dissociated. This whole week has been hell.

I've had several different parents attack me personally. One set of parents yelled at me for 5 minutes until the principal told them that I wasn't their student's teacher last year.

I woke up with a black eye one morning because my alters had been fighting with each other all night long. I've had yelling, screaming, fighting, etc going on in my head while teaching. I honestly don't understand how hell can be going on in your mind but on the outside look so "normal". It's a freaking miracle I haven't had an emotional breakdown yet.

Dissociation is my worst enemy and my best friend.

I got into a huge fight with my best friend - we've been friends for over 13 years now, more than half of my life. It was big and loud and ugly.
Then my sister Bri was yelling at me all week for who knows why!
My sister R called me a jerk and blamed me for not doing something SHE was responsible for.
My sister Ruthie is being taken from our family and will be living somewhere else - no one will tell us how long she'll be gone.
I'm so anxious and stressed out that I can't breathe. I've hardly ate anything. I haven't been sleeping.

I keep all my secrets deep inside of me. When I finally get to a point where I'm ready to talk about one of them, but there is no one to tell, that secret buries itself even deeper and the chances of it coming back up is slim to none.

I'm too exhausted to type anymore...


*Bee

Busy & Crazy But Good

My life has been one big bunch of craziness! I finally got the keys to my new classroom, so the past two weeks I have been at my school trying to put my classroom together. I do, however, LOVE that I'm busy again! I forgot how much I love being busy all the time...
For those of you who have been following me, you've heard a lot about my T. The new update - I have decided to keep my T until I have found a new therapist that is a good match for me and my system. At this point in time, I want to have support from a T who knows me but I don't want to see her unless I really need to. This gives me a chance to search for a new T while not stressing myself out.

My T, however, gained some points this past week. I'm sure those of you with DID can relate...

I have been having a really hard time with one of my alters. She is considered a "main alter" in my system, meaning she is out a lot and is a very positive influence. Lately she has been remembering some very awful memories and she is really struggling. My other main alters and I have been constantly searching for new ways and techniques to help her through this hard time but nothing has worked. I felt so helpless watching her suffer so much...

We decided, as a system, to have a short session with our T to explain to her the situation and see if she had any suggestions that might help us to figure this out. Our T ended up suggesting something we thought was totally all wrong for this alter and that it would only complicate things even more.We left her office feeling even more frustrated.

A few days later, one of my alters came to me and said that we should just try our T's suggestion. We all knew it was a long shot but after a cumulative vote, we agreed to try.

Not even 10 minutes had gone by and this alter was improving exponentially! I was so surprised by this that I couldn't even think straight. It has now been 4 days since we tried our T's suggestion and this alter is already back into the swing of things and doing so great!

So for now, our T has earned some major points and has been bumped back up to a person we can learn to trust again. This doesn't mean we're going to stick with her - I still want to find a new T. But this positive experience will help me to move on without feeling guilty and emotionally attached. I will be able to move on without negative feelings regarding her.

I hope you all have a fantastic week! I finally get my students on Monday!! SO excited!!!


*Bee

Reflection

Yesterday I was talking to my best friend about school starting back up again. I am so excited for the new school year and the new challenges it will bring. As we were talking, she started naming off all of the things I was able to help my students with this last school year.

One of my students, we'll call her Lexi, has a learning disability in both math and language arts (basically an English class). She came to me for both class periods and I taught her at her level of understanding. Lexi was extremely shy and withdrawn when I first met her during my student teaching and I immediately took her under my wing. She reminded me of myself when I was her age.

Although Lexi was an 8th grader, her level of understanding was about 3rd/4th grade. Her main struggle was her inability to retain information unless it was repeatedly taught to her over a long period of time. There were times that I spent the entire 60 minutes teaching her a simple math concept, and then the next day she would have no idea how to do the math problems based on what we had learned the day before. After several weeks of this, I became frustrated with myself because I wasn't able to get through to her.

What I did start noticing, however, was that she was starting to open up to me. Instead of me trying to get her to talk to me, Lexi would start the conversation! She started asking more questions and was able to voice what she wasn't understanding. As time went on she became more outgoing and self-confident. I became less frustrated with myself and did the best I could.

The last week of school, I was working with Lexi on her last math assignment. It was long division - we had been working on long division for 5 months with no real breakthrough. As she was working out the first problem, she looked up at me and said "I never knew how to do long division before because no one would teach it to me. Thank you for teaching me." She smiled and then went back to her assignment. It took all my strength to hold back the tears. I was so happy for her, but at the same time it made me so sad to think that all of her other math teachers hadn't bothered to spend some extra time with Lexi to teach her long division.

There are times when I feel like I need to be a better teacher because I'm not teaching my students "good enough"...but then I think back and remember Lexi. Something so simple that I had done for her meant the world to her.

I want to be able to do that for each and every one of my students.


*Bee

Barely Hanging On

I have been struggling a lot lately... I know it is because I'm way over thinking and over analyzing everything. I do this when I have long break periods between things, like my long summer break until school starts back up again in the fall. I have fallen into my old pattern of over thinking and over analyzing...and I'm making myself sick because of it.

I'm afraid that I will fail as a teacher when school starts up again.
I'm afraid that I will have such a major breakdown that I will need to be hospitalized.
I'm afraid that I will go inside and never be able to come out again.
I'm afraid that I won't be able to trust my new T and that my alters will get worse, like before.
I'm afraid that I will fail.

No matter how hard I try to distract myself, these thoughts keep creeping back up into my mind and I am paralyzed with this overwhelming fear that I'm going to be a failure.

I don't know why so many people have told me that I'm amazing. That I'm smart. That I'm extremely talented. That I'm a hard worker. That I'm one-of-a-kind. I don't feel like I'm any of these. I feel like I'm a fake. I feel like I'm pretending to be all these things so people will think highly of me. I feel like I'm going to mess up big time and then all of those people will be so disappointed in me.

Why am I always thinking that I'm going to fail?


*Bee

Response

(This post is a continuation of my last post - here)

I would have written this post sooner but I have been really sick these last few days and I've had no extra energy for anything but sleeping.

After sending my letter/email to my T on Saturday, I spent the weekend feeling very anxious and panicky. I didn't know how my T would respond and I just wanted some indication that she had at least read it. By Monday I had still not heard anything and so I took my emotions and pushed them to some place deep inside me.

Tuesday morning I received a call from my T and she asked if I could come in to see her. She said she wanted to talk to me and clear things up. I was hesitant, very hesitant, to meet with her since I had decided that our previous session would be the last one for a while, but, she said her colleague Dr S would be with us as well. I like Dr S a lot and I knew that having him there would be best in this situation.

During the session my T told me why she has been unavailable, even after she had promised me that she would be there for me. Once she had told me everything that has been going on (soooo much going on!), I asked her why she would share all of this with me. She looked at me for a second and then said, "Bee, I'm not going anywhere. I am here for you one hundred percent. I made a promise to you when I first started seeing you that I would stick with you for the whole ride, the whole journey. No matter what is going on in my personal life, I will make time for you."

While she was telling me this, I felt so special and loved and my anxiety slowly calmed down...

...but...

...I still had that nagging feeling in my gut that this was just another promise she was making that she wouldn't be able to keep...

Is that fair? Should I give her another chance? Should I keep crawling back to her?

As I look at this situation from an outside perspective, pretending that I am not this girl, pretending that I don't know this girl or this T -- I find myself disgusted. I find myself wondering why does this girl keep going back to her T? Why does this girl keep putting herself in the same situation over and over and over again?

I don't know why I keep going back. However, I did tell her that I want to take a break from her. I need to clear my head and figure out what I'm going to do. She set up an appointment with me for a month from that day, but I honestly don't think I'll be seeing her again.

I hope and pray that I am doing the right thing...because it is so, so hard.


*Bee

Dear T

For those of you who have been following my blog know that I've had a rough couple of months with my T. She has been unavailable, cancelling appointments, repeatedly rescheduling appointments, saying and doing things that have hurt me and my alters. Yesterday I had a session with her and I was so angry and upset with her that I could hardly talk to her. I left with hateful thoughts and feelings, which is not like me at all.

Today I wrote her a letter because I can express myself so much better with written words, and I want to share that letter with you guys...

"Dear T,

I’m sorry about yesterday. I know you are there to help me, it’s just really hard for me to vocalize what is going on in my head. Most of the time it is really scary and unpredictable and I just want to be able to talk about it, but it’s hard.

I want so badly to be liked by everybody but I feel like I always fall short. I want at least some consistency to my crazy life so I expect certain things to always be there and when they’re not, I lose it. I break down. I fall apart. I expect you to be there for me for that small block of time every week, and when you’re not it really really hurts me. When you promise you’ll do something and you don’t follow through with it, it really really hurts me. And this week I needed something consistent and nothing was and I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I know that things come up. I know life can throw some pretty wicked curve-balls that no one predicts. I know that even if you want something badly enough that you would kill for it, you still might not get it. I know that you can’t always be there because that wouldn’t be healthy for either one of us but I need to know that you won’t abandon me because so many people have. I really want to be able to work through these awful things and heal. I don’t want to be scared anymore.

I don’t think there is any way for me to help you understand why it is so scary for me but I’ll try… I feel…lost, unimportant, not trusted, frustrated, angry, upset, confused, heartbroken, abandoned. So now what? It doesn’t matter if I lose months at a time and never remember anything? It doesn’t matter if I don’t come out for days at a time? It doesn’t matter that because I’ve been the main person for so long that now it’s someone else’s turn? Yeah, I know I’m still “me” but my whole concept of “me” is so distorted anyway and now I find out that I’m not who I thought “me” was?

Right now I am terrified and scared half out of my mind because I don’t know who I am, but I know I won’t feel like this forever. I just need you to know that that is where I am at right now because I’m freaking out and I can’t talk to anybody else about it. Not H, not K, not R, not B, not anybody. I need you to be there, even if it is through emails, because I am really scared and I have no idea what to do.

You were the person who got me to open up and share what has happened to me and what I’m going through. What I need is for you to listen and to just let me share what I’m feeling or going through at that moment so I can process it, and then let it go. I need that or else I end up holding on to a piece of it and it just comes back up again ten times worse. I have so many secrets bolted up inside of me that I can’t share because I don’t feel safe enough to, but I want to feel safe enough to share them. I’m so tired from carrying them around all the time."

*Bee

Goodbye T, I Am SO Done...

I am so sick of this...so so so so so so sick of this.

My T had turned a full 180 degrees - she was returning my calls and emails, she went out of her way to check on me, our sessions were going great, my alters were happy, hell, I was happy! I stuck with my T because I thought she had finally realized what she was doing to me.

I was so wrong.

Why can't my T keep an appointment? Is it really that hard?!?! I mean, come on, seriously?!

I'm literally hanging by a thread, barely keeping it together. I've been going running every day just to feel something and I'm under strict doctors orders not to exercise.

Damn it, I can't keep doing this.

And my T wonders why I have trust issues. Gee, I wonder why?! Maybe if you kept our Goddamn appointments I could actually start making some progress!

We were supposed to meet earlier this week, she called to reschedule an hour before I was supposed to see her. We were supposed to meet tomorrow (Thursday) and she just called me to reschedule AGAIN. How much do you wanna bet that she's going to call again tomorrow to "reschedule"???

Goodbye T, I am SO done.


*Bee

Irritation

The word irritation makes me think of a mosquito bite. No matter where a mosquito bite might be on your body, it can drive you absolutely crazy!

Scratching it provides temporary relief, but then the itch seems to come back ten times worse.
Rubbing it also provides temporary relief, but it still itches.
Smacking it, tapping it, or putting weight on it also provides temporary relief, but it still itches.
Mosquito bites basically irritate you to no end for several days, until they finally disappear.

Today my whole body felt like a mosquito bite. I did not want anyone around me. Don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't touch me, don't do anything to me, for me, or with me. Basically, leave me alone!

Of course, my parents didn't understand this. My mom insisted that I would feel better if I "just tried a little harder". Nope. It just doesn't work like that.

Irritation. I hate the way it feels.


*Bee

Thank You, T

For those of you who have been following my blog, you know that lately I've been having a really hard time with my T - she's cancelled on me, stood me up, promised things she didn't keep, etc, etc, etc.

Recently I have had a lot of missing time, and by recently I mean over the past 5 or 6 months. I've tried to talk to my T about it but I have felt like I cannot even come close to conveying what it is like to lose time.

Every session my T tries to tell me that "she understands" or "knows what it feels like". Damn it, I know she doesn't understand! Why can't she just admit that?!?!

Today, I received an email from my T...

"Bee,
I'm sorry you are feeling frustrated. I have no idea how it is to have so much time pass and not know what happened. Write down the questions you have so when we meet next week, I can try to answer them.
 T"

I was so shocked that she had admitted this to me - in all of the 6 years she has been my T, not once has she admitted this.

My reply was, "Thank you for acknowledging that you don't know what it's like. That means a lot."


*Bee

Power & Balance

Today I bought a Power Balance bracelet...
Why did I do this? My T suggested it.

I'm not sure if I believe that it actually works, but I'm always up for trying new things. What's great about this is that all I have to do is wear it on my wrist. No extra effort, thinking, or time. It either effects me positively or not at all. I might as well try this.

It will arrive in 5 to 7 business days.


*Bee

The Silence is Screaming

I don't have words, just a whole bunch of feelings. I'm warning you now, don't read on if you're easily triggered today. It's triggering me just thinking about what things I could write about today...

It feels like I'm constricted and suffocating. Sinking and drowning. Trapped. Anxious.

There's too much going through my head. Memories of abuse, torture, sexual monstrosities, murder. How did my fragile little self even survive this horror?

I am finally seeing whole faces of the main people involved, and I've been throwing up ever since. People I knew, and at one time possibly loved, people who were supposed to protect me, love me, nurture me. Now I see them as evil. Now I am afraid to be living in this house.

I so badly need my T right now. I need her support in this because I'm falling apart and I'm so so scared. I don't understand these things and I desperately need her guidance on finding the truth. Did these things really happen? because I don't believe I could ever make up something this bad.

All I can hear is their voices, their threats, their chants, their authority. My silent prayers, silent whispers, silent pleadings, silent pain.

I don't understand why people are involved in such horrible things.


*Bee

I'm Strong Enough To Do This

For those of you who have been following my blog, especially my last few posts, know that I've been having issues with my T. We were supposed to meet earlier this week - she cancelled. We were scheduled to meet today...she never showed up. I called her 5 times, left 3 voice-mails, and waited for over half an hour. She still hasn't called me back.

I left her office feeling like I had been abandoned and I felt so alone. I'm so sick of being treated like this every single time. I was so angry at her that I called another T that I had wanted to meet with a few months back. This new T answered right away and remembered who I was. I asked her if I could schedule to meet with her, and she happened to have a cancellation today. I said I'd be right over.

I ended up meeting with her today. I like her so far. She has worked with another DID patient before, although it has been a few years. This DID patient was not high-functioning and ended up stopping therapy after only a couple years into it. The new T told me she has worked with RA survivors before, one of them is currently still in therapy with her. She does not believe that integration is the answer for every DID patient, which I totally agree with! She is willing to work with me and is excited to work with me.

This seems all very new to me. I've had the same therapist for over 6 years now, so I feel very out of practice in finding a new one. I haven't told my current T about this new therapist... and I haven't told the new therapist about my current/old T. It's going to be a really hard thing for me to do.

It's been a very long day... I can't wait for the summer break, but at the same time I dread it.

Just one more week.

I'm strong enough to do this.


*Bee

Strength of Millions

(This blog post was supposed to be for Thursday, but Blogger was having issues)

I've always had to be strong.

I feel like I never had the choice to be anything other than strong.

I couldn't cry. I couldn't show that I was in pain.

I couldn't show that I was weak.

I couldn't write about it or talk about it.

Instead, I created people inside of me to carry the burden of always being strong.

Today, I felt as if I couldn't be strong anymore.

I found myself wanting someone to take care of me - someone to protect me so I didn't have to be so strong.

But there is no one. I sat in my car, driving around aimlessly, and crying my soul out.

I cried until I couldn't feel anything but numbness.

And now I build up my wall, stronger than ever, so tomorrow I can be strong again.

Never shall I ever show anything but strength. Because without this, I would break...


*Bee

Red Lines

I don't know where I am today. I haven't dissociated this bad in long time. By the way, half of those words had that cool little red squiggly line under them because I can't even manage to spell. And some more red lines. Hopefully I picked the right words.

Not seeing my T is real bad...she helps me stay grounded. 6 1/2 weeks with not seeing her has not been good. More red lines as I write. I hope this makes sense.

I tried to drive home from work today - it usually takes me about 10 minutes. Well...today it took me over an hour because I kept getting lost. I couldn't remember where my house was. By the time I got home I felt very awkward in my body and I kept falling over and tripping as I walked through my house. My dad asked me if I was drunk.

I've never had the experience of being drunk, but I imagine it feels a little like this.

I tried all the grounding things that usually work at least a little for me but nothing really stuck. I hope I can function tomorrow.

Nothing is processing. I hope this makes sense.

If not, I may delete it in the future.

Lots and lots of red lines I must fix...

A Letter to my T

Dear T,

In the last 6 weeks, I have seen you once.

6 weeks ago, we had the most difficult and rough session I've ever experienced. I was supposed to see you the following week, but you canceled. For the next three weeks, you canceled 5 more times. We were supposed to have a session so I could talk to you and process what we worked through. When we finally did have a session, it was three weeks and one day later. The session was rushed and in no way included a way for me to process through what happened.

I went to my pain doctor the next day and that is when he accused me of using THC. I called you as soon as I got to my car. Your response to this accusation was, "who have you been with in the last 3 weeks who would have access to THC?" I was so shocked by your response that all I could muster was the few names of people I had been around recently but none of them would do that. You told me that you would "think on it" and call me back the next day. I received no phone call from you.

Another three weeks has gone by and I have not seen you, talked to you, or received an email from you or any other form of communication. I've emailed 11 messages and called 3 times - leaving 2 voice-mails.

I'm angry with you. You know that I have a really tough time trusting people, including myself and my splits. You also know that I recently really began to trust my splits. I trusted them enough to know that none of them would ever do something to compromise that trust or all the hard work we have been doing, especially lately. None of them would put us, as a whole, at risk. Apparently you don't trust me or any of my splits.

I'm sick and tired of having to defend them because of your false accusations. At this time I cannot provide you specific examples, but whenever something goes "wrong" for me, you automatically accuse them. If I'm sick, you accuse them. If I can't sleep, you accuse them. If I've suddenly lost 15 pounds, you accuse them. The list goes on and on.

It has taken me years to be able to trust you with myself and to trust you with my splits. Right now, we all have lost our trust in you. We're seriously contemplating finding a new therapist - one who trusts us until we do something to lose it.

This is a very difficult decision to make, but at this time we feel it is vital to our healing process. We still have not decided if we should attend our session scheduled for this week. I'm sure if we wait long enough you'll cancel it anyway.


Sincerely,
Bee

Music Saves Me

To put it simply, this week has been hard.

Monday I had over 20 needles jabbed into my neck, head, shoulders, and jaw. It wasn't as painful as it sounds, it's the after effects of what was injected that truly caused pain. The doctor told me I needed to go to physical therapy to make sure the injections worked properly. My last experience with physical therapy ended rather abruptly when my pain got so bad that I couldn't move for several days. I told the doctor I wasn't going back.

Tuesday my younger sister sat in my classroom with me for three hours telling me all the abuse she has remembered. While I'm grateful that she has someone to talk to, who listens and who believes her, it's still really hard for me. I knew deep down that she was also abused but I always wished that it wasn't true. Now I know without a doubt that we were both abused. There are things I have never told a soul and she knew those things.

Wednesday I woke up extremely depressed like I did Tuesday and Monday as well. I was having horrible body memories all night long and when I did manage to sleep, I had distorted memories flooding through my mind. I was so worn out and exhausted. Teaching was a struggle but my students are so awesome. I am truly blessed to have this job.

Thursday was really strange. I had been battling a cold for a few days by this time but during the first period of the school day, my stomach was in an extremely high amount of pain. I had to sit down at my desk. Two hours later I had not moved and my pain had become worse. My aid told me I needed to just go home. I finally broke down and called my sister to come pick me up. Turns out I had gotten the stomach flu. Add that to the cold I already had and I was very sick. I spent the rest of the day in bed.

Friday I was still in a ton of pain but I forced myself to go to work. It was a good thing I did because my aid ended up having to go home - I guess she caught the stomach flu too.

Saturday I had so many emotions flooding through me that I decided to sit down at my piano keyboard. I had this tune playing over and over in my head that I was manipulating and creating in my mind. I decided to put it together in reality and it was so good.

Sunday I continued to manipulate this tune on the piano and I ended up composing an 8 1/2 minute long song. I keep playing it over and over again and it keeps me going. It is so filled with all of my emotions from this week and past emotions that I've subconsciously held onto. I recorded it onto my cell phone so I can play it for my T. I used to do that for her in the past because she can tell where I'm at from what I create on the piano. My T loves my songs. She wishes she had a piano in her office so I could play live for her.

It's been over two weeks since I've met with my T. I hope she comes back soon...I've really struggled these past two weeks and I desperately need someone to talk to who can help me deal with all of this new stuff. I feel like all of the abuse is becoming raw again with my sister starting to remember things.

I feel like I'm rambling and not really saying anything important... Maybe I should just go to bed and hope for a good day tomorrow.


*Bee

It Starts With a "D"...

***May be triggering. Please read with caution.***

Depression. It affects about 18 million American's every year.

For most of my life I have had severe depression but I learned to keep it hidden because I didn't want anyone to know.

One night during my junior year in high school, I almost bled to death on my bathroom floor. My best friend was the only other person that knew I was suicidal and the next day she made me go to one of the school counselor's and talk to them. It was the first time I cried in front of someone in a long, long time.

The counselor ended up calling my parents and when I got home that day from school, the look in their eyes made me feel ashamed. How could I do this to them? To my sisters? To my family? My response: Silence.

My mom never let me out of her sight for months. She would check up on my frequently during the night. She would never cease to remind me that she was "just down the hallway." It made me hate my life even more. She didn't listen to me when I was younger so why the h*ll would she listen to me now?

My mom took me to several therapists, church bishops and other leaders, and psychiatrists. I refused to speak. Sitting in silence was something I was a pro at.

I look back at that time in my life and I see how lost I was, how terrified I was, how alone I was.

Right now I'm working through some very real, very heavy stuff with my T. And it is eating me alive this week. I hate to admit it but I'm depressed. As much as I try to hide it, I know it's here. My heart aches, my body is tired, my mind is scared. I just want to be alone but at the same time I am so scared of being alone.

I don't want to go back to how I felt in high school and my entire childhood. I don't want to be afraid of myself. I don't want to have to hide.

My T picked the absolute wrong time to go on vacation...

I better go and try to figure out how I'm going to be the happy, friendly, confident teacher for my students tomorrow. Right now that's what is keeping me afloat.


*Bee

April Fools Day

As I work with my T more and more, I have learned to become more aware of myself and where I am at in the healing process.

Growing up, April Fools Day was one of my favorite holidays. I loved "cooking" up the perfect prank for my parents, my sisters, and my friends. I would spend weeks preparing for the perfect trick that would get everybody.

During the summer, right before I turned 15 years old, I had the opportunity to go to a week long camp program for my church. Hundreds of teenagers from age 14 to 18 come from all over the world to attend this camp program. We were placed in groups of about 10 girls and 10 boys. On the first day, we met the individuals in our group and played several "get-to-know-you" games. During one of the games, we were paired up with a random person in our group. I was paired up with another girl named Jessica.

As a 14 year old girl, I was extremely quiet and shy. I didn't share my feelings, or really anything for that matter, with anyone. I was not outgoing or spunky or happy. I was just existing.

Jessica, however, was the complete opposite of me. Just by looking at her, I could tell she was full of energy, extremely friendly, bubbly and outgoing. She probably had hundreds of friends and one of the most popular girls at her school. She was a person who I would have never had the opportunity to meet except for at this camp program.

I felt very awkward, at first, being paired with Jessica. She was so nice and caring towards me that it really freaked me out. I somehow managed to get through the questions our camp leaders had us ask each other and then continued the rest of the day trying to hide from her.

But Jessica wouldn't have that.

Every opportunity that presented itself, and even in moments that didn't, she would acknowledge me and talk to me. She was so persistent that I constantly assumed that she had some sort of agenda to hurt me. I couldn't trust anyone, after all.

On the third day of this camp week, the group split up and went to separate locations - the girls with the girls, the boys with the boys. Our camp leader had us sit in a semi-circle, and then she told us that we each would share something we went through that was really hard for us.

Our leader paired us up again, and again Jessica was my partner.

Jessica volunteered to go first, of course. I assumed she would share something unimportant, like her boyfriend had just dumped her or that her pet gerbil died when she was 7. But what I didn't expect was what she did share.

She started out by saying that 3 months prior she went to the doctor for a regular check up, and her doctor had found something abnormal. For a month, she was referred to doctor after doctor after doctor until finally they found what was wrong. She was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer and she only had a few months left to live.

I was stunned. Shocked. Speechless.

I couldn't speak. I just stared at my lap.

Jessica scooted her chair right up next to mine and put her arm around me. She whispered in my ear and said, "I know what yours is."

My eyes filled up with tears but I held them in. I felt myself nod in response. She was the only person who had ever acknowledged my searing pain from the abuse I had gone through and was currently going through.

We were inseparable the rest of the week. Jessica spent every waking moment making me laugh. I hadn't laughed in such a long time! As we got to know each other better, we realized how alike we were. We lived about 15 minutes away from each other and even went to the same school in 7th grade. She also had an identical twin sister.

The end of the week came much too quickly....

As it turned out, we ended up going to the same high school, both of us starting our sophomore year. Jessica's strength and kindness never ceased to amazed me.

Her birthday was April Fools Day and, try as she might, could never convince anybody that it was her birthday! She was the kind of person who would walk up to a total stranger and strike up a conversation. Sometimes she would even talk to them like she remembered them from her past, "Hey! Oh my gosh I haven't seen you  since second grade! Do you remember me? I was the girl who gave you the purple flower on the first day of school." Of course the person would be completely clueless, but not wanting to be rude would reply, "Oh yeah, I kind of remember that."

A quirk that I loved about her was that she would only write with Crayola markers. Every assignment and test would be in pink Crayola marker. She also had to crumple up everything before she could turn it in or give it to someone. It got so bad that the school had to make her a 504 plan to accommodate these things. Every note she ever wrote to me is in pink Crayola marker and you can she the crumpled marks on it.

At each doctor's appointment her doctor would tell her that she only had a little time left. When she would see me later, she would say "I'm going to live past that date." At first I didn't think she could do it although I wished with all my heart that she would. Every three months she would still be alive and well, kicking her cancer in the butt.

When she passed the year mark of being diagnosed, she set the record for the longest survivor of her type of cancer.

We continued to be best friends throughout high school, each passing year putting the record for longer and longer. Her doctor's couldn't believe the miracle that was happening.

Both of us went off to separate colleges but still kept in contact every day. Jessica kept her word each time she said "I'm going to live past that date."

During the summer after our freshman year in college, Jessica passed away - the longest survivor of her type of cancer.

I think about her every April Fools Day because it was her birthday and her favorite holiday. I find myself having a difficult time on April Fools Day because I don't have her there giving me the greatest ideas to trick people and because I think I lost some of my "spark" when she passed away.

Jessica, I hope you're having just as much fun, or more, in Heaven right now. Rest in peace, friend.


*Bee

Things I Don't Tell My T

I don't tell my T that I just need to hold her hand.

I don't tell my T that I crave someone who is safe.

I don't tell my T that I remember every detail from my nightmares.

I don't tell my T that I struggle every day.

I don't tell my T that my eating disorder is still a problem.

I don't tell my T that I feel like I'm always lying because I'm so different.

I don't tell my T that my anxiety levels are so high that I can't breathe.

I don't tell my T that I feel so lost.

I don't tell my T that I want to scream because I feel so desperate.

I don't tell my T that I want to hide from everything.

I don't tell my T that I just want somebody next to me who understands.

I don't tell my T that I wish things could change.

I don't tell my T that I don't feel alive.

I don't tell my T that I can't help but push people away.

I don't tell my T that I'm desperate to forget and get rid of all the bad things.

I don't tell my T that I still have a million secrets she doesn't know about.


*Bee

Is It All A Lie?

I struggle every day. I don’t fit in this world.

I watch people to see how they function and interact but no matter how hard I try I can’t be like them. It might be easy to fake it at first but as time goes on I don’t have what they have.

They try to teach me but I can’t be something I’m not. How do you live in a world that can’t accept you for who you are?

I have been forced into survival mode and I can’t leave it. It’s all I know; it’s all I have. They don’t understand unless they’ve been there.

Growing up I was taught that it’s a sin to lie. So isn’t it a sin to fake your existence in a world you don’t belong in?

It’s hard to live with yourself day after day after day when you feel like it’s all a lie.

Good Day, Good Night

I just wanted to post that today, despite the severe pain, was a pretty good day. It was very productive, and I was actually able to focus long enough to teach effectively all day.

I also had a GREAT session with my T yesterday. I left feeling like we really accomplished some things that I/we've been working on for months (and years) and, dare I say it, energized! I've been in a good mood every since.

Now I'm off to bed because I am exhausted....

I love my job :)


*Bee

Compare.

Compare.

This is a word I have grown to hate my whole life.

It's hard enough when you're different from all of the other kids.
Your parents compare you.
Your teachers compare you.
Your classmates compare you.

Now add an identical twin sister.

Who's prettier? Who's funnier? Who can run faster, throw better, lift more, speak faster, think quicker, learn easier, earn better grades?

The comparing never stops.

Add abuse into the mix and it only gets worse. Especially when you're identical twin sister wasn't abused...

Compare, compare, compare.

I have been struggling to stay out. Right now my life is really hard. I have been on survival mode for weeks. There have been times where I thought I wouldn't keep living. Not in a suicidal way. I thought that things were so hard that I would literally die because of how bad things were.

With DID, in my case, I don't have to be out all the time to function. My splits carry on just fine without me running the show. Some of them even prefer it. With that said, I have been really struggling to stay out because I don't feel like I'm very good at living anymore. I have sunk down to the level of people who have been comparing me my whole life.

I have started to compare myself against my splits.

They can talk better, think faster, teach more effectively...and the list goes on. Why do I need to be out if they are so much better at living my life than I am?

Therapist's answer: because it's your life and your body.
My answer: ...

Well...I don't have an answer.

My therapist always says that I'm really the one who created my alters. Granted, I was so young I can't even remember it happening so I feel like that shouldn't even count. I really hate it when she tells me that though. It makes it sound like I am making up my DID. I already have a hard enough time with the fact that I have other people living in my head, I don't need the added pressure of "well, you created them dear."

I'm just so frustrated, exhausted, mentally drained, physically worn out, and emotionally spent....


*Bee

Pain

What is pain?
Can you see it?
How does it come?
Why doesn't it go?
Is there such a thing as "painless"?
Who invented pain?
Where did it come from?
When did it start?
Did I do something wrong?

If I wish long enough, will it go away?

Right now I am in so much pain that I'm having a hard time staying awake.
Not the kind of "hard to stay awake" when you're sleep deprived.
It's the kind of "hard to stay awake" because the pain is so encompassing.

I can't even tell if the rest of my body hurts because the pain is so great.

Pain is not a big enough word for what I am physically experiencing and feeling right now.


*Bee

I Wish....

I wish the people who are supposed to be helping me would listen to me.

I was diagnosed 5 years ago with DID. Ever since that time, I have spent the majority of my life trying to piece together the puzzle of my splintered, fractured existence. I've researched, read, studied, documented, and experienced everything I could to help me to understand myself, my mind, and my whole life.

I know what works for me and what doesn't.
I know how much I can handle.
I know when I need to do something or stop something.
I know who in my life is safe to be around and who is not.
I know where to go when I'm having a hard time.
I know why some things are triggering and how to keep myself from freaking out.

But because I am not a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, or brain expert, I am dismissed. I am pushed aside.

Trying pain medication after pain medication, and having horrible side effects because of their nature to focus on "fixing" the brain, I am left to endure the horrors of my past over and over again.

If only the people who were trying to help me would listen to me. We wouldn't have to go through this hell and the doctors would feel safer prescribing me things.

I just want someone to listen....for once.

*Bee

I'm Still Here, Somewhere...

My last post was written in anger, but this post will be written with the strength that I have received from the people around me this week.

This past week was the hardest week of my life. On Friday morning, I was wishing I had never been born.

I have lost almost 20 lbs in the past week and a half. Not good...

I haven't been able to eat or sleep. My stress and anxiety have been through the roof.

I did find out, however, that the raised anxiety and stress levels are from the new meds I was given. Thankfully I went off of them on Wednesday and they are slowly making their way out of my system.

I have had the honor to get to know a person over the past few months. Even though we've never met in person, I consider this person to be a very dear friend of mine. She has been so great these past few days during a time that I needed a friend the most. I want to thank her for being such a great person and for being there for me.

I wish I could write more but there is just too much. I am still struggling but I can now see a light at the end of this dark, long, and difficult tunnel.

This week will be good. This week I am going to make sure it is a good week.

Thank you to all who have left comments, who have emailed me, and texted me over this past week. It has helped so much.

*Bee

The Venom Got to Me

***Read at your own risk***

I just want to say that I love my new teaching job and that it is going very well. I couldn't have asked for a better school, staff team, and community.

But my personal life has been suffering and I've tried so hard this week to hide it from everyone else because I hate being upset. Especially in front of people.

Today was the worst. Horrific. Unthinkable. Screaming. Crying. Pain.

And then...

I come home and find out from a dear friend/reader of my blog that another blogger is taking my thoughts and words from my blog and posting them on hers without my permission and without citing me.

Normally I would act calmly and respectively. Normally I would peacefully work things out. Not today. I just wrote a really nasty comment on there because I was so upset. Not because my friend informed me of it and not necessarily because this blogger had the post. I was upset because this blogger knowingly took something of mine without permission for her own gain. Just like every abuser I've known and heard about. This week has been really tough for me, and this day has been one of the hardest days yet, and I couldn't take it anymore. It's people like her who keep people like me and you from healing properly and completely.

I want to f***ing punch out my walls and tear down everything from the walls, the ground, the roof, the street, I want to kick, scream, bite, punch, cry, slam and jerk every last piece of anything on this earth.

This post isn't doing me justice. I cannot even express how f***ing angry I am right now!

I Love My Job

I truly and whole-heartedly LOVE my job! I look forward to waking up in the mornings, even though I'm not a morning person. I love my students. I love the school. I love the principal. I love the staff. I love the teachers I work with. I love the programs I have decided to purchase and use in my classroom. I just love it!!

I never thought I would make it to this point. But I did and I feel so incredibly blessed.

I LOVE my job!!!


*Bee

My First Day

I cannot believe all of the comments and emails I have received from all of you. Thank you so much! It means more than you can imagine. Maybe you can imagine. Anyway, thank you so much for your support and encouragement. I really appreciate it.

My first day of teaching went so well! Things ran so smoothly and I was able to keep my head clear and focused. My students had a great time and I could tell they were learning. I am amazed everyday at how much I love teaching. I'm not a morning person at all, but I am looking forward to waking up early and preparing for my students.

It's funny to go from student teaching to teaching. I compare it to getting your permit to drive a car. When you're learning to drive it's fun and new, but it's also frustrating and annoying because you have the "experienced" adult in the seat next to you telling you a bunch of things that you would rather not hear! But once you get your license, it's such a great feeling! You finally feel like you really can drive and follow the laws and do your own thing.

That's how today felt. I am the one in charge. I am the one making the decisions. I am the one responsible for the students learning. I don't have to constantly ask my mentor teacher for the "right answer". I'm the one who comes up with the right answer. It just felt so great to make a plan and then implement it. It felt so damn good!

Anyway...that's all for now. I'm super exhausted from today. But I'm definitely looking forward to tomorrow. :)

*Bee

Tomorrow Is The Day I Start My Life

Tomorrow is the day I start my life. Tomorrow I begin my first teaching job. Tomorrow I am in charge of students' learning. Tomorrow I am one step closer to moving out and being fully independent.

I never thought this day would come. I have wanted to become a teacher since I was 4 years old. Everyone Sunday after church, my sisters and I would play School. I was always the teacher. I would teach them what I was currently learning in school - mostly math and spelling since those were my favorite subjects.

I loved school. It was an escape from my abusers, from my house, from my family. I wasn't very good at it because of all the lost time. I didn't know I was losing time when I was younger - all I knew was that I would randomly appear in places and be expected to do work and I would have no clue how to do it. I spent my entire school career in figuring things out on my own.

Tomorrow I start teaching. Wow. Words cannot express how excited I am.

Tomorrow.

*Bee